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Post by mh on Jan 11, 2014 15:50:40 GMT -6
dr. quantum's bowlarama of horrors
a horrific tale of mind-numbing terror
starring the monkey alliance
on a seemingly normal mid-day, the monkey alliance, babu baboon, doc quantum, mh, drivaan, and their assistants kenny & buddy, find themselves walking down a deserted street, surrounded by deserted buildings, with no memory how they came to be there.
"there must be some explanation, "says babu, "the last thing i remember, i was in quiznos with super-jesse having a sandwich."
"i was playin' paintball with hairbutt," says doc quantum.
"in my last memory, "i was in ace hardware having some keys made," says drivaan.
"well," says mh, "the last i remember, i was watching a sandra bullock movie with mrs. mh, so this has got to be better. what i think happened -- these are leftover memories like dead people have, and that stupid monkeymobile finally blowed up, killing us all, and taking out a massive chunk of the continent of north america along with it. that's what i think."
"look!" exclaims doc quantum. "a bowling alley! and it's lit up. hey, this looks just like a place i bought an interest in last year. you gotta diversify."
"you lost your butt on those rib joint/car washes," says drivaan.
"yeah, i know!" exclaims doc. "but let's go in. mabe this will be some sort of doorway that'll get us outta here."
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Post by Doc Quantum on Jan 11, 2014 16:35:24 GMT -6
"Uh, Doc?" says Babu.
"Yeah?" replies Doc, about to walk through the doorway to the bowling alley.
"Did you happen to notice the sign?" Babu points to a sign in flickering neon. "ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE."
Doc laughs uproariously. "That's hilarious! I've gotta meet the jokers who run this place. 'Hell's bowling alley,' hey, guys? Priceless!"
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Post by mh on Jan 11, 2014 16:58:45 GMT -6
as they enter, seeing a portrait on the wall, drivaan gasps, "look! it's dick the albino bowler!" 
"omg, "says mh, "there's an old urban legend that dick shows up at random bowling alleys across the U.S., puts on his green bowling shoes, takes out his pure white ball, stares down the other bowlers with his steely pink eyes, and bowls a perfect 300! 300 every time!"
"that's no urban legend," says a voice behind the nachos machine. and looking, there behind the counter is dick, the albino bowler
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Post by mh on Jan 12, 2014 0:02:06 GMT -6
"kindly remove your footwear, and rent a pair of nice bowling shoes, free of charge," says dick.
"but we don't plan on bowling," says babu.
""rules is rules," replies dick. "and once you are shod, feel free to help yourselves to nachos, hotdogs, beer and tequila sunrises. all you want! but the price will be a tale."
"a tale?" asks buddy.
"yes," replies dick. you must each tell me a horrifying & gripping tale of murder, betrayal and deceit! or anything intriguing or randy! for i am dick the albino bowler! kenny, you did not put enough cheese on your nachos! really press the dispenser! it won't bite you."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 12, 2014 11:28:09 GMT -6
"Good thing Steve isn't here," Babu says. "Otherwise he would treat us to another one of his 'horrifying tales' of hardware crashes."
Doc Quantum suddenly steps forward looking ticked off. "I'm an investor in this place. Have you been giving any schmoe who steps off the street everything for free as long as they can tell you a spooky story?"
"Well, uh..." Dick says, looking sheepish.
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Post by mh on Jan 12, 2014 14:01:18 GMT -6
"uh, well, .. we make up for it in volume," says dick.
"that doesn't make any sense!" replies doc quantum.
"why would you invest in a place with such a terrible location, "asks drivaan. "there's no foot traffic at all."
"but it's not suppose to be here!" replies doc. "it's suppose to be at the new 'east justice center', sandwiched between 'moe's tools 4 guys', a gamestop superstore, and a 'cabelas'! they also do indoor car shows with bikini models in the food court!"
"yes," says drivaan, "babu, mh, buddy & myself have gone there many times. but never kenny."
"the gurls is too skinny!" exclaims Kenny.
"clearly, supernatural powers are at work here, "says babu.
"wait," says mh, "this isn't gonna be one of them things like in old movies, where we each tell a horrifying tale, then at the end you turn out to be death, and tell us we're all dead, and start laughing, and your face turns into a skull? it isn't that, is it?"
"why uhhh, "that ridiculous!" exclaims dick evasively. "I've never heard anything so crazy in my life! heh. heh. i mean really, what are the chances .." |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 14, 2014 20:44:39 GMT -6
"Okay. I'll start," babu says. "There's this man and woman, Jack and Mary, who are taking a driving tour of eastern Europe..."
****************************************************************************
"You should have stoppd and asked for directions when we were in thatvillage," Mary says.
"When we were in the village, we weren't lost!" Jack snaps. "Man, this rain is really coming down."
"Can you see the road?" Mary asks.
"Just barely."
There is a sudden thump and then the car begins to jerk and bump wildly. "Oh great!" Jack curses. "Just what we need! A freaking flat!"
Jack grabs an umbrella and then goes to the trunk for the spare. After removing their suitcases, he pulls upen the compartment where the spare should be. "Crap! Crap! Crap!"
"Grab the other umbrella. "We're hoofing it."
"Huh?"
"The freaking rental place didn't put in a spare! We're going to have to find someone with a phone so we can get some help."
The two trod through the rain down the lonely tree lined road until they come to the base of the hill. The road ahead winds up the hill and in the distance, they can see a dark, forboding castle.
"You've got to be kidding me," Jack says.
"Do you tink anyone lives there?" Mary says.
"Well, there are lights in some of the windows," Jack says. "Lets go check it out. What have we got to lose....?"
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Post by mh on Jan 14, 2014 21:20:07 GMT -6
holding up a hand, dick the albino bowler says, "buddy, get plenty of chopped onions & relish on your corndogs! good, that's it! i promise you, you'll thank me -- that's the way i like them. i apologize babu, please continue."
taking a long gulp of his tequila sunrise, babu continues:
jack clanks the huge door knocker, and a tall, striking looking older man in a smoking jacket who somewhat resembles sir ian mckellan answers
they explain their situation and in a faint accent the man replies in english, "that is terrible! come in my friends, and warm yourself by the fire. i'll alert the bavarian auto club right away. drat! I just remembered, the phone is out."
mary warms herself, feeling instantly at ease with the well mannered gentleman.
"that must happen quite a bit way out here, "replies jack. "I'm sorry, but we never really introduced ourselves, "we are jack & mary hawkins. and what is your name sir?"
smiling, the man relpies, "why I am ..." |
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Post by mh on Jan 15, 2014 11:41:24 GMT -6
"when do you show up?" breaks in dick, the albino bowler. "you know yer 'spose to figure into the story, right?"
"you could have mentioned that sooner," replies babu.
"but listen," says dick, "throwin' in an extra tale or two can only help you -- "
"yall want to hear ther stery of 'kenny & buddy and ther cursed ice-cream samich of death'?" asks kenny.
"yes!!" exclaims dick the albino bowler.
"wait, "says babu, "we're still on me! i'll finish my previous tale later, but first, I have another spine-tingling tale to tell. i call it 'babu baboon and the dumpster of mystery'."
"continue," says dick, obviously intrigued.
"well," begins babu, "i was having my weekly lunch with mayor bruce campbell at the 'wiener king'. i was having the 'wienie scallopini' and mayor bruce campbell was having his usual. the the foot-long kielbasa, with triple sauerkraut. suddenly the mayor bellows to the owner hans, "hey hans -- it's a real sausage fest in here!"
hans laughed uproarously. "sir, that gets funnier everytime you say it!" he exclaims.
"babu, i look forward to our weekly lunches together," the mayor says. because i need to keep a close watch on my city, and you are the one man in 'justice city' who's honesty i can trust. I have a confession to make. I tried to hire that amber away from you!"
"you did sir?" replies babu.
"yeah," mayor bruce campbell replies. "and if the soda machine in our break room had diet mr. pibb, i think I could have gotten her! don't be angry. my office needs some eye candy! all my interns are hatchet-faced and scrawny or hugely overweight, and wear thick coke bottle glasses. it's very depressing."
"so you're saying you haven't banged any of them," says babu.
"well yeah, "replies mayor bruce campbell defensively, "i might of banged a couple of them! but you're working late at night -- and a man gets lonely. wait, i'm not on trial here! listen babu, it doesn't have to be amber. i'll take any one of the interns that you are not currently banging."
"i'm not banging ..." begins babu, then says, "i'm sorry mayor. the monkey alliance needs it's interns. and besides, you wouldn't want dakota for sure. she plans to run against you in the next election."
"what?!" exclaims mayor bruce campbell.
"i wouldn't be too concerned," says babu. the other interns are going to be her campaign managers. the only one with political experience is skye. she ran for student body class president in HS, but her boobs hadn't come in yet, and she was taken down in a bra-stuffing scandal."
later, after about nine german beers, mayor bruce campbell says, "babu, i have some advice for you. it might seem like a good idea at the time, but whatever you do, don't marry a stripper."
"i'm not ... "begins babu, "ummm, yes sir."
"you'd think waking up with a stripper running around yer house everyday would be like paradise, "continues mayor bruce campbell. "but after a while, you notice her ass is starting to get fat, lots of money is disappearing, and she's very jealous. especially of other strippers ... babu, you look concerned, what's wrong?"
"well says babu, "i just realized this is like a dream i've had many times before. you're telling me the "don't marry a stripper" story, and suddenly i realize there is something horrible out by the dumpsters. i don't want to go look, but after i tell you, you insist we go & see. that it's the only way to make the dreams stop. and that's all that i can remember."
"you know, i'm as right in yer dreams as i am in real life, "says mayor bruce campbell. "now come with me, we'll go out the back exit thru the kitchen, out to the dumpsters, and the cycle of the dream will be ended."
as they exit the restaurant, mayor bruce campbell pulls out a .45 automatic. "just in case," he says, waving it.
"have you got a permit for that thing sir?" asks babu.
"yeah, i got a permit," responds mayor bruce campbell evasively. " ... someplace."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 15, 2014 20:31:07 GMT -6
Babu and Mayor Bruce Campbell make their way through the kitchen and out to the back where the dumpsters are. As they open the door, a homeless man in a dirty raincoat is pushing a grocery cart full of cans.
"Looks at that. Breaks my heart. Part of my platform is to do something about the homeless problem," Mayor Bruce Campbell says.
"Aren't there a group of homeless that camp out in front of City Hall?" Babu asks.
"Yes, and every time I step over them, it breaks my heart."
The homeless man stops in front of one of the dumpsters, lifts the lid and leans over the edge to peer inside. Suddenly, a tentacle comes out, wraps around his waist, and pulls him inside. The dumpster begins to shake and then the lid pops back up with a loud belch.
"Gna-a-a-ah!!!" Babu and Mayor Bruce Campbell exclaim
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Post by mh on Jan 16, 2014 0:56:40 GMT -6
"that was horrifying!" cries dick the albino bowler. "now pause for a sec while I get us another round of tequila sunrises."
"this is costing the business a fortune!" exclaims doc quantum, concerned about his profit margin.
"mh," cries dick, "there you go. have all the egg-rolls you want! there are more in the warmer. and don't be stingy with the sweet-n-sour sauce. really dump it on there -- and feel free to try the asian mustard!"
"dick the albino bowler is shore a good host," says kenny, gobbling nachos.
babu continues:
"i was able to drag the homeless guy out of the thing's mouth. imaging a giant spongy pink rat with tenacles," babu says with a shudder.
"nobody eats my stinkin' homeless drains on the economy, "snarls mayor bruce Campbell, unloading his .45 into the dumpster.
"meanwhile, a fast-thinking babu has signaled super-jesse, who he knew was just a block away having smoothies with his cousin joe, as backup. S-J flies down and seals the dumpster lid with his heat vision. then he & babu fly it into the sky & hurl it toward space.
almost immediately, it explodes. "why on earth did it explode?" exclaims babu.
"oh," says mayor bruce Campbell, "did you notice i threw my sportscoat in there? well, it's got a little dynamite sewn into it. well actually, more like a lot. you just pull off a button, toss the coat, and boom! ever since I seen that tom hanks movie about the boat i've been worried about somali pirates. it's really just to give me peace of mind."
"so the threat was ended, and, ..."
"not exactly," says dick the albino bowler.
"what?" asks babu.
"well it rained later that nite, and those bits of space monster were soaked into the earth, and within days, the entire earth was teaming with tens of thousands of man-eating, maundering space monsters! life on earth as we know it was over."
"wait, it didn't happen that way .., "begins babu. "or did it?"
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Post by mh on Jan 16, 2014 10:51:16 GMT -6
"what a fabulous tale!" says dick the albino bowler. and he walks over, grabs a ball without hardly looking & throws a strike. the alley where the strike was made flashes & flashes and bells go off, and then it goes dark.
"kenny!" cries the albino bowler, put plenty of chilli on that dog! really dress it up & take it into town!"
"no!" cries doc quantum, "lay off that chilli, Kenny! that's not the cheap stuff, that's hormel! that costs money!"
"what's going on," babu mutters to drivaan, "are we getting hood-winked somehow?"
"i'm directing all my powers of deduction on 'richard the pigment challenged tenpin player'," says drivaan, refusing to use the cruder term albino bowler, "if this is a scam, he'll eventually over-play his hand. i feel like he nearly did already. we need to keep feeding him tales, that's the thing that'll make him slip up."
"yall want to hear ther stery of 'kenny & buddy and ther cursed ice-cream samich of death' now ?" asks Kenny & buddy together.
"yes," says dick, looking delighted. "please proceed."
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Post by mh on Jan 16, 2014 11:38:49 GMT -6
"well," begins kenny, "buddy & me went into 'pyongyan's grab-n-go' where we done bought ice-cream sandwiches & discussed the news of the day with the owner pyongyan, a small middle-aged korean guy."
"that lindsey lohan," says pyongyan, "what will she 한국어 next?"
"yer guess is as good as mine pyong," says buddy," eating his ice-cream sandwich.
as they say goodbye & leave, kenny opens his ice-cream sandwich, "yuch!" he cries. "it done looks all mumified! and there's a paper in here like is in a fortune cookie. lt's see, it was, 'this cursed ice-cream sandwich will give you three wishes'."
"that must done be a joke, "says buddy. "if i could have a wish, i'd wish we had a party or something to go to. it's dome friday nite, all the guys are away, and we got nuthin' to do."
at that moment pyongyan sticks his head out the door. "oh guys! forgot to 어한국 you! party at my house tonite! many hot south korean ladies!"
kenny and buddy look at each other, and kenny exclaims, "ain't no party like a pyongyang party!"
and buddy replies, " ... 'cause a pyongyang party is ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY!!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 16, 2014 12:12:59 GMT -6
Kenny shoves the ice cream sandwich in his pocket because in it's mummified state, there's no chance of it melting. "I cain't wait until the party! I hope there will be some heavy broads there."
"But you're done engaged," Buddy says.
"Hey, there aint no harm in lookin'."
That night, Kenny and Buddy arrive at pyongyang's house. Kenny ring's the bell and a loud gong sounds.
The door opens and a young Korean guy answers the door. He has a tie tied around his head.
"Hey, pyongyang told us there was a party," Kenny says.
"Welcome! Welcome! Come in! This party off the hook, y'all!"
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Post by mh on Jan 18, 2014 0:34:20 GMT -6
"my name is long duck dong," he says. "you guys can call me 'the donger'!"
as they enter the crowded living room, Pyongyang spots them & yells, "kenny & 한 한국 !"
and runs over, hugging them. he's wearing gold chains and a '2pac' t-shirt. 
"so glad you came!" he says. "been telling many ladies about you two! go in the kitchen, there is much malt liquer and egg rolls -- 20 different kinds! we go crazy tonite!"
the p-man goes back to his hosting duties, and kenny & buddy go to the kitchen to load up on malt liquer & egg rolls
"as they're eating & drinking, buddy says, "kenny i thunk the gurl in the gray sweatshirt done liked you."
"yeah," says kenny, eating a pork egg-roll, "she is done about a size 2! like that could ever done work!"
"we need some homies here, "says buddy. "too bad there ain't no monkey alliance members here. hey wait, we could wish for one!"
"but who, "replies kenny. "not drivaan, too worried about fire exits. not doc quantum, pyongyang has a cat. not hairbutt. no room. not super-jesse, his heat vision. it's either babu or mh -- let's done do rock paper scissors!"
seconds later they make their choice. and as they are eating and drinking, suddenly a familiar figure shows up.
"kenny & buddy!" exclaims mh. "i was walking by, about to go pick my wife at the pottery barn, and got pulled into a crowd. and here i am! why didn't you tell me pyongyang was having a party? ain't no party like a pyongyang party!"
" 'cause a pyongyang party is ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY ...!" cry Kenny & buddy together.
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