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Post by Babu Baboon on Sept 5, 2017 13:36:22 GMT -6
"Well, it's pretty much obvious what we need to do about the pale lady," says Doc, who has watched the transmission from the old Monkeyhouse.
"What?" says Boobs McGhosty.
"Irv never did show her his Johnson," Doc says. "As far as she's concerned, she's still got unfinished business here in the mortal realm."
"So what are we supposed to do about it?" Dakota asks.
"We've got to find an Amish dude to show her his johnson!" Doc says.
"But where are you going to find an Amish dude willing to expose himself?" Boobs McGhosty says.
"Hamish!" the Monkey Alliance and their interns all say at once.
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Post by mh on Sept 19, 2017 23:41:40 GMT -6
babu radios the old monkeyhouse, and explains the situation.
"i already knew!" says shelia. "as i tried to tell you when you took off with doc quantum, the camera guy left and there's some malfunction. you're being broadcast on justice city public access -- and all the cable news stations have picked it up. it's going world wide! you're more popular than downton abbey!"
"what?!" exclaims sy smoot, turning on a tv. "well there i is! and ta' thinks, i almost showed shelia my johnson. if th' wife sees this ol' sy'll be in th' doghouse! it'll be that church picnic and the parson's wife all over again!"
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Post by mh on Sept 19, 2017 23:54:42 GMT -6
suddenly mh, recovered from his stupor bursts in wearing a blue manhunter costume & says, "sy! what happened to my costume?!"
"i'm sorry there pal, "says sy, "but they accidently got throwed in with taffy's blue pajamas."
"are taffy's pajamas okay?!" cries mh, in horror.
"oh fine." says sy. "and we cans un-blue yer costume next time you brings it in."
"no! leave it!" says mh. "it's kinda ... nice."
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Post by mh on Sept 20, 2017 0:37:33 GMT -6
briefed on the goings on, mh, runs into the old monkey alliance garage, and on a whim jumps into the blue horse's 1934 stuts bearcat, to go find sal, aka hamish.
meanwhile, sy smoot, realizing it's nearly time to broadcast his daily radio show, 'the clean & the restless', a story of aging and handsome dry-cleaning tycoon hy spoot, his many vindictive ex-wives, and his two problematic twin sons, has called his sound man, who is currently wiring him up.
"3-2-1 ... action!" cries the sound man.
"wecomes to 'the clean & the restless', brought to you by smoot brothers cleaners!" says sy. "we gets you spiffy in a jiffy! in our last episode, alexandra, the wife of hans spoot, one of the spoot twins, sez she has an announcements to makes."
sy, raising his voice to try & talk like a lady says, "hans! i don't loves you no more! i loves yer twin brother, heinrick!"
in the janitor's closet, kenny and buddy are in their frock coats, and buddy is sitting with his head in his hands.
"now don't cry pal," says kenny. "alexandra will done see thru that playboy heinrick before long."
mh momentarily loses control on the stuts bearcat, and getting it back on the road, glares at the old 1934 car radio and yells, "biiiiiiiiitch!!!!!!!!!"
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Post by mh on Sept 21, 2017 11:54:23 GMT -6
finding the insurance office inexplicably closed, mh heads over to an old insurance man's hangout called 'the annuity', where the insurance guys sometimes go to drown their sorrows in cheap scotch, and in old insurance man's tales. finding them at a table, mh relates the story, then looks around and says, "where's sal?"
"you just missed him!" says dave. "he had to take off -- that's why were here, to give his a proper send off. the craziest of his ex-wives was released from the loony bin! some head doctor called and told sal if he was smart, he'd disappear for a while. i guess she's still harboring some ill will."
"but what am i gonna do?" asks mh.
suddenly from the bar, former tv star 'notch' johnson from 'son of the beach' drunkenly exclaims, "i'll do it! with my acting skills amish should be a snap! who be ye english? -- ha! and the tv exposure you guys are getting is liable to put me right back on top again! i've never minded doing nudity, if it's crucial to the plot."
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Post by mh on Sept 23, 2017 10:38:29 GMT -6
"wait," says skye back at the sims' b&b sewing room. "if you get rid of the pale lady, we'll still have that crazy old innkeeper ghost out there trying to attack everybody's hoo ha's!"
"doc & i theorize, "says 'boobs mcGhosty', that the innkeeper ghost has been siphoning energy off the pale lady. enough to allow her to appear human for long periods of time. without the pale lady she should be severely weakened."
"yes," says doc quantum. "maybe weak enough that we can conjure her away. btw, mh will have to find his own way in here. my transportation powers are on the fritz from over use!"
just then there's a loud creak and the doors of an undiscovered dumb waiter opens, with conan o'brian's cousin crouched inside.
"drat!" sheamus exclaims. "i thought I'd found a way out. my boss, she's craaazy! she won't let me leave! and if i don't get to the theater by seven, my understudy giuseppe leno, jay leno's nephew will go on -- and he's terrible!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Sept 25, 2017 11:20:41 GMT -6
There is a sudden crash and Sheamus lets out a cry as his dumb waiter cart is knocked down a level as MH and Notch land on top of it. "I'm okay..." they hear Sheamus groan from the basement.
MH and Notch crawl out of the Dumb waiter shaft, having slid down the rope to get there. "I'm gonna be feeling that rope burn for a while," Notch says.
"What the hell?" Doc says.
"I couldn't find Sal," MH says. "But I got thre next best thing. Meet 'Notch' Johnson! One of the finest actors of our generation!"
"From Son of a Beach?" Boobs McGhosty?" asks. "I did some work on there as an extra when I was just starting out."
"I remember you!" Notch says. "You were beach bimbo number three!"
"We had to stop by Party City and get him an Amish get-up," MH says.
"Ok, but why are you dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow?" Doc asks.
"They were having a two for one deal and I'm a sucker for bargains," MH says.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Sept 25, 2017 11:37:53 GMT -6
"So you think you're ready for this?" Doc asks Notch skeptically.
"Are you kidding?" Notch says. "This is the role I spent all those years at Juliard studying drama."
"Yeah, but you'll have to be convincing," Doc says. "Son of the Beach wasn't exactly..."
"I'll have you know I was a Shakespearean trained actor before my agent convinced me to do that show," Notch sniffs. "My Shylock in 'Merchant of Venice' moved both Audiences and critics to tears! Tears, I tell you!"
"Oh... I'm sorry," Doc apologizes sheepishly. They unblock the door and let Notch out into the hallway.
"Alright, ye pale English harlot!" Notch calls out. "Are ye ready for a gander at me butter churn?!"
'He's gonna do great," MH says.
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Post by mh on Sept 27, 2017 0:15:43 GMT -6
"why is there a beer can with wings following him around?" asks 'boobs' mcGhosty, peering into babu's wrist tv.
"That's a camera that kenny & buddy made," says doc. "it'll allow us, and the tv viewing audience to watch 'notch' as he tracks down the pale lady."
"and to see his hog?" asks gilda.
"kenny says it will blur at the crucial moment," says mh.
"ugg. let's hope so," murmurs susan/stone.
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Post by mh on Sept 27, 2017 0:32:20 GMT -6
"can ye english hear me?" says 'notch', as he peers around a corner.
"yes," says shelia, the drive-thru manager from smilie burger, her muffled voice coming from the beer can. "i'm at the old monkey all alliance hq! i'm suppose to help talk you thru. go left -- looks like there's some movement up ahead."
"ye sound cute," says notch.
"shut up & focus!" says shelia, her incredible drive-thru skills kicking in.
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Post by mh on Sept 27, 2017 0:45:16 GMT -6
"hello my denizens of the train yard! how you must miss the wail of the iron horse! enjoying the indoors?" says jeremiah singe, appearing beside babu.
"and why are you sending that amish fellow to his doom? ah, your ways as always, are strange to me. i like the amish, they make fine horse bridles!"
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Post by mh on Sept 27, 2017 2:15:24 GMT -6
"his doom? what do you mean?" asks babu.
"oh did i not tell you?" singe replies, suppressing a giggle with his hand. "this is not just the lair of the 'dorsey county carpet muncher', but also the 'boone county axe murderess'! she's a recent arrival. the pale lady is likely unaware of her. in the 70's, she married lonely gentlemen, hacked them to bits, hid their remains, and took their loot! and she is quite a powerful & ghastly spirit. believe me hobo, i would not hit that!"
"but look," says mh, "notch has run into a nice charming granny lady."
"good day to ye nice charming granny lady," says notch, "i be seeking a big pale harlot what would be glimpsing my john thomas! be ye seen her?"
"you remind me of my forth husband!" exclaims the boone county axe murderess. and she hurls an axe that sticks in the wall inches from 'notch' Johnson's head.
"gaaaah!! madam, what be ye damage!" screams notch, and he begins to run.
"you got to give it to him," says babu, watching his wrist tv. "notch stayed in character!"
"see!" says mh. |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Sept 27, 2017 21:43:46 GMT -6
Notch screams girlishly as he runs down the hallway with the crazed ghost spinster hot on his tail swinging an axe. Suddenly, a pale figure jumps between them.
"What is the meaning of this?!" the dead axe murderer screams.
"Irv finally shows up to show me his johnson and you want to kill him!" the Pale Lady cries.
"Oh thank god," Notch says, hunched over with his hands on his knees as he tries to catch his breath. "I don't think I could have run any more. I'm really out of shape."
"That's not Irv, you albino nutjob! It's just a guy in a costume!" the boone county axe murderess exclaims.
"He looks Amish and he plans to whip out his wedding tackle. THat's enough for me," the Pale Lady says.
"Yeah!" Notch exclaims.
"I'm gonna chop him into pieces!" the boone county axe murderess says. "After that, you can HAVE his wedding tackle!"
"Really?" the Pale Lady says. "You mean for keeps?"
"Wait... what?" Notch yelps.
"
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Post by mh on Sept 29, 2017 12:42:28 GMT -6
suddenly the ghost of jeremiah singe appears beside the 'boone county axe murderess' and says, "hiya sugar! molly turgiss isn't it?"
"yes! but ..." says the axe murderess.
"did you know you had hobos on the premise?" asks singe.
"hobos?!" she cries, "doody squat! i detest hobos! i'll deal with them -- thanks for the info mister fancy pants. you remind me of my 7th husband!"
she swings an axe in an attempt to lop off singe's head, but he ducks and throws a glass of fine cham-pag-ya in her face.
"ghaaaa! my eyes!" she hisses.
"gads! i'd better amscray!" exclaims singe, but the pale lady steps in front of him & demands, "show me yer johnson!"
"i'd love to," replies singe, "but i ain't amish, and my wife is the scariest b!tch you'd ever want to meet!" then he disappears. |
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Post by mh on Sept 29, 2017 13:02:19 GMT -6
"good! while the axe lady was busy with singe, notch was able to run away," says mh. "but singe is a ghost, why'd he need to duck when she swung her axe at him?"
"that ones gone all raging poltergeist," explains doc. "she's now able to inflict damage in the spirit world! i never expected we'd have to deal with anything like her."
"singe could have ended up headless! like his friend lord uppington, affectionately known as stinky." says babu.
"oh babu, this is all so terrifying," says lucy morgan, clutching his arm. "how i wish i was back in monkey alliance headquarters, gazing at your magnificent johnson."
"oh come on!" says doc.
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