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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 20, 2015 17:58:26 GMT -6
"What you need to do is have a big royal shindig, yer dukeness," Primate Phil says. "Show them yer a real man of the people."
"That's not a bad idea," Doc Quantum says. "Andrew Jackson did that when he was elected."
"Very well, then. Have both sets of interns make fliers and post them all around town."
The interns slap fliers on every free surface they can find. They end up with a bigger turn out than they expected. The whole town is lined up waiting to get in.
"Jeez that's a lot of people out there," Babu exclaims. "Can we handle that much?"
"We done gots plenty of food," Kenny says. "And enough malt liquer and moonshine to swim in. We done hired the best band in town, too."
The party seems to go off without a hitch. Even the mayor and his wife make an appearance.
After copious amounts of malt liquer and moonshine, the party moves to the backyard. Everything after that is one big haze.
The next morning, MH wakes up with his head pounding, flat on his back. He opens his eyes and lets out a blood curdling scream.
"What was that?" Babu says, rising up out of a pile of malt liquer cans.
"Aw, them's just cries of ecstasy," Cletus, a town local, says. "Mabel's one hell of a catch. That there MH is one lucky man."
"Aint that the truth," Kenny says. "I'd done love me a piece of that."
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Post by mh on Oct 21, 2015 0:39:30 GMT -6
(baboon, you psycho)
later, the maids are cleaning up and all the townies are gone.
"mh, what did you did last nite -- ... er, what have you done? damn! i've been in this town too long!" says babu.
"nuthin!" exclaims mh. "i work up with a mouth full of flab, so i couldn't scream!"
"but it looked like .." begins kenny.
"i had a sharpie in my pants!" cries mh. "that was all pen & no clone!"
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Post by mh on Oct 21, 2015 1:04:43 GMT -6
"well we gotta hide out for a bit, "says babu, "mh, you've disgraced my office!"
"i know just the place!" exclaims the mayor's daughter, who was lying on a futon.
after picking up supplies for a short say, babu, mh, neilencio, the mayor's daughter and kenny enter 'the paducah mystery house'.
"this was built in the 70's by an italian count. there are so many twists & turns in this place, "says the mayor's daughter, "no one will find you guys until the scandal blows over."
"perfect! i've said this before -- i think -- but i see no way anything could go wrong," says neilencio, eating a twinkie.
"the official story we done put out, "says kenny, "is that one of the band members done put on a fake manhunter suit an' was a'enjoyin' hisself some big women."
"genius!" says neilencio.
"uhhh," says babu. "so distasteful. it's true what they say. heavy is the head that holds the crown! at least a count built this dump. a counts no damn duke, but pretty good! holy crap, i'm already lost! where's the hell's mayor's daughter?"
"look!" cries Kenny. "it's done kelly rippa!" then she suddenly disappears thru a door.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 6, 2015 14:21:37 GMT -6
When they open the door to try and go after her, all the laws of physics seem to go out the window.
"What the almighty hell is going on here?!!" Babu exclaims.
"I think I'm still done feeling the malt liquer from last night," Kenny says. "That or I done lost my durn mind."
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Post by mh on Feb 16, 2016 22:53:19 GMT -6
they all awaken the next day to find kelly rippa bright & chipper at the dukedom, and making flapjacks.
"who wants flapjacks!" yells Kelly rippa.
then she begins vacuuming.
"how'd we get back here?!" cries baboon.
it must be that damn crazy house," says mh.
"it sure is strange and crazy about; !!" says super-jesse by speaker phone.
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Post by mh on Feb 16, 2016 23:09:41 GMT -6
then daphne, 'baboon's personal paducah assistant who has been with him for days' show up, and the klinger-bot 2000 is with her.
"your duke-ship," says daphne, "the klingerbot has come up with a sure fire way to beat the iowa hawkeyes!"
"oh no," rasps babu, "our football team isn't becoming the 'paducah klingers'?!!"
"no, the paducah radars!" cries the klingerbot metallically.
"ha. ha. ha. they'll never see that one coming!"
"fine, let it be so." says babu.
"they'll all have an animated radar on their chest!" says daphne. "very unsettling for the hawkeyes."
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Post by mh on Feb 16, 2016 23:41:15 GMT -6
"how'd the game go?" asks babu hours later as daphne returns from the hawkeyes/radars game.
"we destroyed them!" cries daphne. "326 to nothing!"
"that's impossible!" exclaims babu.
"well the klinger-bot has enrolled in school and was acting as quarterback!" says daphne. "the hawkeyes had quite a few injuries. go radars!!!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 19, 2016 14:45:21 GMT -6
Babu is basking in the glow of victory when the bell on the door jingles, letting him know someone has entered. He turns and sees it is Dr. Wut N. Tarnation. Paducah's own master of the mystic arts.
"What is it??" Babu asks.
"It's that durn house!" Doctor Wut N. Tarnation says.
"What about it?" Doc says, entering the room with MH.
"It's the center a' all Kentucky's par'normal ack-tivi-tay! It's where the ley lines done crossed."
"That explains a lot," MH says. "So that's why everything was so turned upside down."
"Something aint right there. THe danged fabric a' space n' time's done ripped open and all a' Kentucky's gonna get sucked through!" Doctor Tarnation exclaims.
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Post by mh on Mar 31, 2016 23:32:11 GMT -6
"tarnation! yer drunk again!" yells the lovely mrs. tarnation.
"course i is!" replies dr. tarnation. "but that don't make no nevermind!"
"sheesh, we'd better go check it out," says doc quantum. "during my time as a paranormal tv spook hunter, i heard many tales of dr. tarnation, the powerful redneck shaman. doctor graves swears by him!"
"that tears it," says babu. "this and the Kelly rippa thing must be tied together. we'd better form a paranormal strike team and secure that house."
"hah! i'm calling this adventure, "the many spooks of doctor quatrum -- one mo' time!" cries doc.
"and knowing kentucky is a hotbed of bizarre happenings, i came prepared. gilda! go get the spook-van!"
"i'm on it!" cries gilda happily.
"gilda! how long have you been here?!!" cries babu.
then mutters, "and why the heck are you in a swimsuit?"
the mayor's daughter, enjoying the monkey alliance's antics from a nearby couch, laughs uproariously.
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Post by mh on Apr 1, 2016 10:04:47 GMT -6
arriving at the house, the team makes a base-camp in the foyer, the only part of the house that appears normal.
"okay doc, where should we begin?" asks babu.
"well, we've surrounded this room with a circle of protective salt, "says doc. "and brought along the lovely mrs. tarnation's aunt/cousin lerleen. the only virgin over 21 i could find in all of paducah!"
"aunt/cousin?" queries baboon.
"don't ask! anyway, i need to place her in an hypnotic state as to call forth one of the spirits roaming around here so we can get some answers. look into my eyes lerleen," says doc taking her by the chin.
"stupid virgin," mutters gilda as she films doc & lerleen with her phone, "if i hadn't got drunk at that pep rally back at college that could be me." |
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Post by mh on Apr 1, 2016 10:14:36 GMT -6
"drat!" says doc nearly an hour later. "i can't seem to get her in a deep enough state."
"that's be cause she a kentucky gal, "says dr. tarnation. "here, try som' o' this here!" and he pulls a jar from his coat.
minutes later
"paydirt!!" cries dr. quantum. "eat your heart out doctor graves!"
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Post by mh on Apr 4, 2016 23:08:20 GMT -6
"wait, are you going to air this?" ask babu.
"ha! of course!" cries doc quantum. "i got paducah's top news station filming this! and since it's part of the "news" doctor graves can't sue my ass off for the second time -- I'm back baybee!"
babu walks over to the cameras and says, "gee doc, this technology looks a little ol' timey."
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Post by mh on Apr 4, 2016 23:21:21 GMT -6
"it'll get the job done," says doc. "these are top-notch cameramen."
and outside on the porch swing they can hear regis talking to some tourists.
"and cameramen! don't get me started on cameramen. crazy about snuff films! that's why you can't keep those guys out of the philippines! sick b-stards! it drives 'em nuts!"
"okay, "says one of the cameramen shamefaced, "i think we're done here." and they all leave.
"damn you regis! you're ruining everything!" cries doc.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 19, 2016 17:02:42 GMT -6
"Wait! Wait!" Doc Quantum exclaims, running after the cameramen. Unbeknownst to him, he scatters a section of the salt circle in the process.
Lerleen begins to chant and the room starts to shake. The walls rattle and dishes fall from shelves.
"This doesn't look good,"Babu Baboon says.
"No, it don't," Doctor Tarnation says earnestly, looking through the doorway at the field across the dirt road. "Looks like we done woke something up."
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Post by mh on Apr 19, 2016 20:27:18 GMT -6
"dammit doc! what have you done? this is awful, "says babu.
"worser than you reckon, "barks dr. tarnation, "i think that be jonah hex! kentucky's greatest hero!"
"i ain't from no dirdy stinkin' ken-tuck," rasps the skeleton of jonah hex who has shambled within inches if the doorway.
"curse ye heck!" cries tarnation, "no bad-mouthin' kentucky! don't makes me throws this jar o' hummin'-bird spit on ye!"
"that must have took a long time to gather, "says babu.
"ye got no ideer," replies tarnation. |
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