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Post by mh on Dec 3, 2013 22:54:28 GMT -6
para-abnormal simian activity: an unrelenting glimpse into hell
starring: the monkey alliance
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Post by mh on Dec 3, 2013 23:53:09 GMT -6
it was again time for babu baboon's annual 'cable ace awards' party, and mh & doc quantum were sitting on the couch in baboon's living room, waiting for the other guests to arrive while babu was in the kitchen whipping up his famous microwave burritos. he had laid out an iced galvanized tub full of "beer-o-many-lands" as he has every year since 1994. his family, like every year, were out of town, and the m.a. members were settling in for a good time.
"this lager from djibouti sucks, "says doc quantum.
"lessee, gimme, "says mh, "and he takes a sip. "omg, that's absolutely atrocious! here, take this one. it's from zhíxiáshì. I have no clue where that is. the one i'm drinking says, 直辖市. i've only finished a third of it, and i'm practically sh-t faced! dig around and try to find some more of those."
"mh, there's somethin' I don't understand, "says doc quantum.
"talk to me, "says mh.
"well, "says doc, "i happen to know that they haven't awarded a 'cable ace' award since 1997. what're we doing here?"
"you are wrong my friend, "says mh. "i understand, this is your first year here. the 'cable ace' awards went underground in '98. only a select few can watch it on closed circuit. babu is a member with voting privileges. all nominated shows must be from 1997 or before until 'the cable ace awards' can attain their rightful place again. just pay attention, you'll catch on."
babu comes out of the kitchen wearing an apron that says "kiss the cook", with a tray of hot microwave burritos.
"has anything happened yet?!" he exclaims.
"no," says mh. "we're still getting a test pattern. who's the host anyway?"
"martin short, "exclaims babu. "it's always martin short! this year, i went out on a limb and voted for 'madam's place' for best new comedy."
"well of course, "says mh, "why wouldn't you?"
" what?!" cries doc quantum. "this is crazy!"
"oh, says babu blushing slightly, "my old cable show ..."
"babu & you?" asks my.
"yes, " replies babu, "babu & you -- has received a nomination!"
"yeah," says mh. "that aired back in 1995 -- when you were banging sharon stone. 'babu & you' was a topical talk show featuring celebrities of the day. that was a damn good show, btw!"
"that's nice of you to say, "says babu, "i doubt it'll win though."
"we'll," says mh, "i don't know why not. we've had the town of justice send out about 10 thousand ballots this year. we're not playing around anymore. you're practically a shoe-in!"
"yes!" cries babu. "finally!"
suddenly Kenny & buddy, who had excused themselves to the bathroom, come in looking shaken & pale.
"well we just seen a frightening apparition that took off it's head & shook it at us, "says buddy. "this happens every year! can we go now?"
"have a dutch beer & calm down you friggin' babies!"cries babu, "i think the tv is coming on!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 4, 2013 13:39:45 GMT -6
The rest of the Monkey Aliance arrives and the opening ceremonies to the Ace awards begin. The transmission is suddenly interrupted and it switches to an old episode of Babu & You.
A iritated cry issues from the entire group. On the screen is Babu sitting behind a desk. In the guest chair is a man wearing safari kakis.
"Joining us today is wildlife expert Norbert Hersch," the Babu on the screen says. "What have you brought for us today, Norbert?"
"Squirrels," Norbert says. "Lots of trained squirrels."
"Oh God," the present day Babu says. "I remember this episode."
For the next fifteen minutes, Norbert's squirrels perform all manners of tricks: jumping through hoops, riding tiny bicycles on tightropes, etc. After it's all over, the Buon the screen says, "That was great, Norbert. How do you get them to do that?"
"Simple repetition," Norbert says. "And a generous application of this squirrel phermone." He holds up the can and tries to demostrate. The can suddenly explodes in his hand,covering him in the pheremone.
Suddenly, all the squirrrels leap on Norbert Hersch at once and he lets out a blood curdling scream. The screen cuts to a test pattern and the Ace awards come on again.
"What the hell was that?" Doc Quantum says.
"It was horrible," Babu says.. "The squirrels mauled him to death. His ghost has haunted me ever since... following me wherever I go. That's who Kenny and Buddy saw."
Everyone sits in stunned silence.
"So who wants another burrito?" Babu asks./font]
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Post by mh on Dec 4, 2013 14:10:22 GMT -6
surprisingly, everyone does.
"during cable ace award night, "says babu, chewing a burrito, "it get's fiddy times worse! it wasn't my fault. sure, he gave me a box of the pheromone, and asked me to keep it in a cool place. and I stuck it under the lights of my make-up chair while they were preparing me for the cameras. there was a lot of competition on cable back then. it was important that I looked my best. I didn't have time to waste!"
"he should be a hauntin' them squirrels instead of you," says kenny, chewing loudly.
"he probably did, "says babu, "but they got short little life spans. he probably tormented the poor little furry guys right to their poor little shoe-box graves. you know, there was talk norbert was in line for his own cable show. called "squirrels, squirrels, squirrels, squirrels, squirrels!" some people were pretty jealous."
"wait, "says, "driv, "maybe it wasn't your fault after all. competition being what it was, maybe his can was sabotaged."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 5, 2013 17:55:07 GMT -6
"Who would want to sabotage a trained squirrel at, though?" Babu says.
"Maybe some of those PETA guys?" Kenny says.
"Nah, they love those nature dudes like Hersch," MH says.
"Who was that guy handing him the props?" Doc Quantum asks.
"That was his assistant, Ike," Babu says.
"He might be someone we should talk to," Drivtaan says.
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Post by mh on Dec 5, 2013 23:44:43 GMT -6
babu gets on the phone, and 15 minutes later ike berg shows up.
"babu! cries ike, hugging him. "i'm so glad u invited me my friend! omg, burritos!"
ike grabs a paper plate, and begins eating burritos.
"is the show started again, "says ike. "I tevo-ed it at my pad!"
"there's a test pattern again," says babu.
"hey, you were norbert's assistant, "says babu. "do u understand what happened to him that day?"
"that was a long time ago,"replies ike, gulping down some peruvian ale. "no, not really. but that guy was my ticket to the big time! now, look at me. i'm working at a pet-smart! i saw yer co-host talking to him right before he died though. they were arguing. i alway wondered if she was somehow involved."
"omg, "says babu. " .... downtown julie brown?!"
then the doorbell rings.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 7, 2013 8:32:44 GMT -6
"Wubba wubba hey hey!" Downtown Julie Brown says as Babu opens the door. She throws her arm around his neck and says, "I heard we were up for an ACE award so I had to rush right over!"
"What's he doing here?" she says darkly, pointing to Ike.
"Murderer!" Ike says, leaping to his feet and pointing, burritos falling to the floor.
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Post by mh on Dec 7, 2013 23:17:33 GMT -6
"me?!" cries Julie, then noticing the others breaks into a smile. "wubba, wubba, wubba, ya'll!"
the m.a. guys wave, in a state of shock.
"my burritos!" cries ike, rescuing them from the floor & brushing them off.
after a few slavic beers and a couple of burritos, ike & julie calm down.
"i guess i jumped to a conclusion," says ike. "I apologize downtown. I never knew you were screaming at norbert because he grabbed your butt. he was a jerk."
"wubba, wubba," says julie, a little hammered. "think nuthin' of it ike. that guy haunts me sometimes too. he likes to catch me on the toilet. if we figure out what happened maybe his spirit will rest. wubba wubba."
"I think you have something there julie, "says babu.
hairbutt comes out of the bathroom looking terrified.
"babu, you're out of toilet tissue. "he says. "oh yeah, another thing. there was a ghost in yer tub. he jumped out from behind the shower curtain and started throwing dead squirrels at me. it's been a wonderful evening. i'm going now."
and he goes out, slamming the door.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 8, 2013 19:34:48 GMT -6
"Wow, Hairbutt didn't look very happy," Kenny says.
"I don't blame him," MH says. "Hairbutt hates squirrels."
"At least he's keeping his haunting to the bathroom," Babu says. Suddenly, a dead squirrel hits him in the side of the head. "Dammit!"
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Post by mh on Dec 9, 2013 0:13:11 GMT -6
" okay says mh, "ghost or no ghost, i got to go make a big family of chocolate snakes! babu, those burritos must be under done. i'm ready to spew like a pudding pop!"
moments later mh is in the bathroom a doin' his bidness.
"super-jesse," says mh, "when he appears, i'll snap a pichur of him! we'll get out butts on 'ghost adventures'. i can't see how anything could go wrong."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 9, 2013 16:18:02 GMT -6
MH is doing his bidness when a dead squirrel suddenly falls in his lap. Another one soon follows.. Then another. Soon, dead squirrels are raining down on MH until he finds himself completely buried.
MH shrieks and leaps up, running out of the bathroom. "Squirrels!!! .... dead squirrels everywhere!!" MH cries.
"OK, but pull up your pants" Babu says, doing a facepalm.
"Wubba wubba!" Downtown Julie Brown exclaims.
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Post by mh on Dec 10, 2013 0:15:44 GMT -6
"okay, gosh! my pants is all fixed now." says mh. "
"grabbing super-jesse's camera he says, "wait! where's the ghost? these is all pichares of me asittin' on the toilet!"
"well i runned outta film!" says jesse. "but I done got some good ones here," he says going out the door. "i'm a getting the heck outta here! i've got a dead squirrel in my pants. no more ghosts for me, i'll told you!"
with that super-jesse grabs a plate of burritos and takes off.
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Post by Doc Quantum on Dec 10, 2013 6:20:55 GMT -6
"Would it help if I played ghost?" asks Doc. "If I travel back in time to now from my future, then my future self will be intangible and partially transparent. Looks basically like a ghost, at least until my present-day self catches up to the point when I go back in time again."
"It might..." says the future Doc, who popped into existence while present-day Doc Quantum was still speaking.
Babu, having pulled himself out of a pile of squirrel corpses, shakes his head. A headache is coming on. "Not this again..."
"So, did it work?" asks Doc. "If you're me from the future, you must know how all this turns out."
The future Doc shrugs. "Sorry. I have no idea. I have complete memory-loss from the last few hours since I was you. Must be a side-effect of that lager from Djibouti we drank earlier."
"OK, that makes sense... I guess..." says Doc. "Kind of seems like a weak plot-point, but whatever."
"Hey, it's not like I'm making this up, y'know," says the future Doc with a shrug.
"Guys, this is going to get confusing really quickly," says Drivtaan. "I vote we call the present-day Doc by the same name, but we call the intangible Doc from the future Ghost Doc until he eventually becomes our Doc."
Several more dead squirrels suddenly fall onto Babu, burying him once more. "OW! Why, oh, why did I get out of bed this morning?! I was dreaming about banging Sharon Stone again!"
Ghost Doc raises one hand and says, "So... is there something I can do here? I'm not sure how long I'll be here for, but I'd hate to waste my 'ghost time' while I have it. Maybe I can go find the ghost of this Norbert Hersch dude and mingle. He might be willing to listen to a fellow ghost."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 10, 2013 21:17:30 GMT -6
Ghost Doc begins searching the house room by room to see if he can find the ghost. When he gets to the upstairs bathroom, he sees a ghost dressed in safari kakis muttering to himself.
"You must be Norbert," Ghost Doc says.
The ghost turns to Doc Quantum with an angry glint in his eye. He starts pitching dead squirrels at Ghost Doc which pass through him and fall to the floor.
"Nice try," Ghost Doc chuckles.
Suddenly, the ghost of Norbert Hersch lets out a howl and charges at Ghost Doc. Ghost Doc lets out a howl in return as the ghost passes through him.
"He slimed me!" Ghost Doc exclaims, finding himself dripping with ectoplasm. "How the hell did he slime me?"
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Post by mh on Dec 12, 2013 1:11:40 GMT -6
after a hot shower, doc quantum comes into the living room wearing mrs. baboon's bathrobe, sits down and starts eating a burrito.
"he's nuts, "doc says, dumping some tabasco on his food. "solving his murder, if a murder it was, is the only thing that'll send him to the spirit realm. "
"well, two other people were in line for the show norbert was about to get." says ike.
"who?" asks babu.
"one was julie brown."
"not me!" exclaims downtown.
"no, i meant regular julie brown."
"oh, the funny one, "says kenny.
"what?! 'wubba wubba' isn't funny?" exclaims downtown julie brown angrily.
"and denny terrio -- formerly of 'dance fever' adds ike.
suddenly, there's another knock at the door.
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