|
|
Post by mh on Oct 22, 2013 16:31:20 GMT -6
as they all create a pile of stuff to enable them to reach the vent, babu says, taking out an old book, "well, i guess this would be as good a time as any to tell you about 'the haunting of 'Primauté House'."
kenny, mh, and buddy: what?!!
babu: look, it's just legend! i thought i'd better tell you anyways. primauté house, which is now the old monkey alliance HQ, was taken over by the Singe family in the 1800's. strangely enough, singe is monkey in french. anyway, when the Singe family partied, which was all the time, they did it large. and after a few years of this, cattle began dying. then several family members came down with the runs."
"damn!" cried buddy.
"calm down buddy", cautioned babu, "then one day a strange old lady covered with a fur shawl was seen standing outside their entrance hall. when confronted by the singe family she told them that they were cursed, and that no wine or spirits must ever enter the confines of primauté house again, and all partying must end. and that also, the senior patriarch of the singe family must make her his bride, jeremiah singe stepped out and told her
![]()  ![]()
"madam, i'd rather cut off my john thomas than let you anywhere near it! and not only are we partying tonite -- we're having it large! i bought two boxes of the 18th century equivalent of poppers! this is my 4th glass of champagne and it's only 7 in the morning! i'm steaming!"
with that she shrieked in anger and said she's come back every few decades to rip the fannies
(i'm cleaning this up) off anyone who parties in primauté house."
kenny & buddy stood pale, clutching one another, and mh had wedged himself in the antique desk, trying vainly to send a goodbye message to taffy on an old calculator he'd mistook for a cell phone.
babu: (putting down the book) guys really, it's just a legend!
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 22, 2013 19:47:04 GMT -6
"Gaaah!!" Kenny cries. "You mean there's some crazy ghost-witch out there who hates partying and enough dang malt liquor has done flowed through here to float the whole durn navy?"
"I think that witchy woman's sicked some kind of beasty on us!" Buddy exclaimed.
"There's no beasty and no witchy woman!" Babu exclaimed.
Suddenly, there was a loud scratching at the door. Buddy let out a shriek and leapt into Kenny's arms
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on Oct 22, 2013 20:52:51 GMT -6
mh sticks his head out of the desk. "okay, let's be rational here. babu baboon was right, the vent is our only chance. the trouble is, me and baboon are fatasses."
babu: hey!
mh: i know, i know, don't argue with us guys. we're comfortable with our bodies. buddy, you're the thinnest of us all. we just need you to shimmy thru that shaft, outrun the flesh eating snow beast or angry malt liqueur hating witch, find some well armed m.a. members, or navy seals, and come back and save us. can you do that buddy?
buddy: huh?
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 23, 2013 5:33:25 GMT -6
"We'll all fit," Babu says. "I had the same guy who does all the duct work in those Hollywood movies redo our duct work. That's why the vent's so big."
They finish stacking furniture and Kenny unscrews the vent and they all shimmy through. Kenny is just as the creature breaks through.
"What the hell is that thing?" Kenny whispers.
"If I didn't know better, I'd swear the same guy who designed the creature from "Alien" came up with that thing," Babu says.
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on Oct 23, 2013 16:24:39 GMT -6
creature: nhhaaat hnakkk?!!
"what the hell, "says babu from the vent, 'did that thing talk?"
"yeah," said mh, "it sounded like it said, 'that hack?!'"
then kenny, clumsy enough even when he's not drunk & terrified, slips from the vent and lands directly on the creature.
"gaaahh!" shrieks buddy, "he's doomed!"
"that does it," exclaims babu, "we'll have to go down fighting! moonnkeeeey!"
"oh sh-t, "rasps mh.
they dive from the vent in awkward battle formation, in their smoking jackets & ascots, only to find kenny on top of the creature, who's head had been removed by the impact of kenny's fall. inside the costume was tom savini
"savini?! ... okay this is just too crazy," says babu, "explain yourself!"
"hay, i know that guy, "says buddy, "it's the guy from the cover of "malt liqueur enthusiast" magazine, october of 2009!"
"okay, "savini says sheepishly, "wow, this is embarrassing. now before you call the fuzz, listen. there's been a legend for years that the last ever shipment of 'frugal mcTavish'es' mcTavish thunder was delivered somewhere in the town of justice in 2002, right before old mcTavish was killed in a yeast-related accident. 'thunder' being the finest and most highly alcohol enriched malt liqueur ever produced. i've been searching the abandoned mansions of justice, when i'm not working on some project, for years!"
babu: i'll be damned!
"and I donned this suit as to not be recognized, and to scare off hobos."
"yeah. 'says buddy, "i hate hobos!"
"anyway, continues savini, "i overheard you guys. the last fifty 40's of 'mcTavish thunder' are here someplace! ah, to have only one drop of that sweet nectar. and listen, old mcTavish himself is quoted as saying mcTavish thunder reaches it's peak of perfection in 11 years! wait one more, and you might as well be drinking heineken!"
"heineken?!" exclaims buddy. "what're you trying to do, maek me sick?!"
"one more thing, 'adds savini, "there's something else in here -- i'm not sure what." then looking around at everyone, 'hey, cool! can i have a smoking jacket and an ascot too?"
kenny, still dazed, looks at savini and asks, ".... sex machine?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 23, 2013 18:58:33 GMT -6
A short while after the awkward silence Kenny's statement created, Tom Savini is now clad in his own smoking jacket and ascot. "Now that's what I'm talkin' about!" he says, looking himself over.
"Now that we don't have to worry about witchy women or strange creatures, we can get down to the business of trying to find those lost 40s," Babu says.
"You know, you scared the crap out of us," MH says to Savini.
"Yeah, well, that's kind of my thing," Savini replies.
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on Oct 23, 2013 22:31:12 GMT -6
moments later the troupe are heading down the west wing of the old m.a. HQ, using the paramilitary flashlights tom savini had brought along in his well equipped backpack. buddy was carrying a device savini used to detect hollow spaces in floors & walls.
"i'm so glad blinky is alright, "says kenny, "he was just a little squashed. 'blinky' sputters along beside kenny, his little yellow headlights glaring maliciously. "why'd you have to tried to murdered poor blinky 'sex machine' ... i mean 'dusk to dawn guy'?"
"kenny, "says savini, "i've been fighting the devil's vacuum off daily for a week! if it hadn't been for it, i'd have found those 40's by now. once it stunned me, and when i woke up it had dragged me into a bathroom and was using it's little chainsaw to try and cut me into flush-able chunks -- you should have a repairman look at that thing!"
"this has certainly been a shock, "says babu, "but i'm actually really glad you're here savini. if you hadn't shown up, even if we'd managed to stumble onto the malt liquor, there's every chance we'd have ended up duct taping them to our hands -- playing edward 40 hands
and then passing out and peeing in our pants. we'd have almost certainly sucked them dry. kenny & buddy -- it's like those guys were born with an extra bladder!"
"hey guys, "says savini, "all i want is one priceless 40 of vintage mcTavish thunder to take to my team of malt liquor experts so they can eventually replicate it. then we can market it like 'newman's own' salad dressing, and all profits will go into malt liquor preservation! and if it all works out, you'll be able to walk into any 7-11 and pick up a 40 of mcTavish thunder at the same quality of these 11 yr old masterpieces for under 2 bucks!"
buddy gasps. "are you a damn angel?!" just then buddy's detector begins beeping.
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 24, 2013 6:21:16 GMT -6
A cheer rose up from the group. Tom Savini pulled a crowbar from his backpack and began prying up floorboards. Inside was a large wooden box.
"Dang. Someone went to a lot of trouble to hide these 40s," Kenny said.
Babu broke the lock on the wooden box and slowly raised the lid. A gasp rose from the group.
"Dammit!" MH yelled. "It's just a bunch of frickin' gold coins and jewels! Those 40s have got to be around here somewhere!"
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on Oct 24, 2013 13:38:13 GMT -6
"it's the primauté house treasure!" cries babu. " ... we're rich! ... wait, why is jeremiah singe's picture on these coins?"
cousulting his book babu says, "it's says here that jeremiah singe at one point created his own currency, in an attempt to have 'justice' succeed from the union and set himself up as a feudal lord. and these coins were cast in the lowest grade of gold, known at the time as 'real lookin' gold'. i suspect the jewels are phonies too. that sucks!"
"guys, "asks tom savini,"did you hear a ... cackle? -- man, i knew something else was in here."
"i heard something, "replies babu uneasily. "keen & buddy, replace these floor boards. let's keep moving."
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 24, 2013 14:56:31 GMT -6
"OK, Buddy, lets get to it," Kenny says, looking at the hole in the floor. He turns and Buddy isn't there. "Buddy? Where the heck are you?"
Everyone looks around. "Buddy?! Buddy?!" Buddy was nowhere to be seen.
In the distance, they heard another cackle.
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on Oct 24, 2013 16:16:23 GMT -6
seconds earlier, tom savini and mh had gone a few doors north of them, to use the toilet. "mr. savini," says mh, after he had drained his lizard,"creepshow was. without a doubt, the finest motion picture ever made."
"well, "replied savini humbly," thank you. it certainly is ONE of the finest films ever made. go on ..."
"okay, "says mh, "i know you're too much of a gentleman to say it straight out. but if during the course of the filming, if you did adrienne barbeau, don't say anything."
savini just stared at him.
mh: i knew it!
back at the sight of the treasure discovery, kenny and babu were searching desperately for buddy.
"idiots!" came a voice from behind them.
they turn to see the disembodied figure of jeremiah singe.
"hey hobos! you've ruined everything!" he says. babu and kenny stare in fright, but kenny, enraged at being called a hobo yells back.
"listen, we ain't hobos! what did you done did with buddy?"
"well it's a natural mistake, "the ghost replies. "in my day hobos were constantly sneaking into people's houses and trying on their smoking jackets. it was a pestilence! but anyway, your stupid friend put on the singe family ring, the ring that the old witch has been looking for all these years! if it's on her bony finger when the clock strikes midnight, i'll be made flesh and will be forced by her to do the nasty. yuck!!"
"what about buddy, "asks kenny.
"eh," says the ghost, 'he's almost certainly dead by now. that b-tch don't play. she'll likely kill all yall too."
"wait, "asks babu, "why don't you speak like someone from your century?"
"HBO after dark, 'he replies. "i've enjoyed your 'magic lantern' for years."
just then the witch appears.
"damn boy-weee, 'says jeremiah singe, "i'm outta here."
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 24, 2013 16:55:17 GMT -6
"Give me the ring," the witch says in a scratchy voice.
"We don't have the ring!" Babu says. "Jeremiah Singe said you killed Buddy and took it so you could have your way with him at midnight!"
"He's lying!" the witch screeched. "he dragged your friend and the ring into the spirit realm so he wouldn't have to have carnal relations with me!"
"Damn. He lied to us!" MH says.
"I can send you into the spirit realm to bring back your friend and give me the ring."
"Okay, getting Buddy back is good, but why should we help you get your groove on with Jeremiah Singe?" Babu says.
"Because I know where the lost 40s are," the witch cackles.
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on Oct 24, 2013 20:04:55 GMT -6
"okay, "says babu, "but no tricks! we have our own spellcaster. uh taffy ... taffy the all seeing! do not cross us."
"fine!" says the witch. "once those 40's and all spirits are out of primauté house, and all partying has ceased, and jeremiah singe's ring is mine, and we are bonded in both this and the netherworld -- and he's had himself some sweet sweet candy ..."
kenny: gag!
"shuttup!"
"we'll get the ring, 'says babu, "but the rest is up to you. Ghaaaa!"
babu's left hand is in agony, and as he looks, a small map is burned into it's palm."
"that, on your hand, is a map to the missing 40's!" says the witch. she waves a hand and a portal appears. "only two can enter! you and the ring bearer's closest companion."
"you heard her mh, "says kenny, "get in there."
mh: she means you!
tkenny & babu enter, and in a flash both the portal and witch disappear. the hall rings with cackling, then silence.
tom savini comes out of the bathroom. "hey where is everybody?"
"ah, "says mh, "babu and kenny have to retrieve a ring, or buddy and his immortal soul gets destroyed. once they return, we follow the map a witch burned into babu's hand and we get the 40's. here, sit down on the carpet with me & we'll split this champagne i got in my smoking jacket pocket. ummm, still cold! ... adrienne barbeau ... she had some big knockers, huh?"
meanwhile in the spirit realm.
buddy: hey! where are we? this ring is a stuck on my finger! let me out of here!
jeremiah singe: shut up hobo!! after midnight you can go back to the train station, eat out of a bucket, dance for nickels -- anything you want! but for now, you're my ticket out of an eternal hell of 'bumping uglies' with a damn bridge troll! what'd ya got in the bag? omg, gimme! ah, whew, that's good. old english? i haven't had spirits in a century -- i'm gonna get sh-t faced!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 25, 2013 5:58:42 GMT -6
Babu and Kenny find themselves surrounded by a swirling mist. When the mist parts they are in a room filled with former residents of Primaute House. The residents are engaged in various forms of decadence. One old lecher rus past them, chasing a giggling French maid. Others are dancing.
"I didn't know they had dirty dancing in the 1800s," Kenny says.
"Well, Jeremiah did say they watch a lot of TV," babu says.
Finally, they come to a couch where Jeremiah Singe and Buddy are sitting drinking 40s. "I see you've found your way here," Jeremiah said.
"Give us back Buddy," Babu says
"You don't expect me to just hand him over," Jeremiah says. "My very loins are at stake!"
"Babu stares to move forward, fist raised. Jeremiah rises his hands. "Hold up my friend. Fisticuffs are not a gentleman's game. Instead, I challenge you to a drinking game." Many, many 40s suddenly appear out of thin air.
"Waitaminnit!" Buddy says. "You said you aint had spirits in years!"
"A lie, I'm afraid. I'm a habitual liar. I just can't help myself," Jeremiah Singe says. "Now on to our drinking contest.
babu starts to step forward when Kenny puts his hand on his chest to hold him back. "Nuh uh," Kenny says. "This is where my super power done come in."
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on Oct 25, 2013 9:24:02 GMT -6
back in the old monkey alliance HQ, mh & tom savini are sitting on the floor drinking medium priced champagne and discussing 1980's actress'es knockers, when they suddenly noticed an old witch was standing before them
before either of them can react, she sits on the floor beside mh and holds up two skimpy nightgowns. "which one do you like better? this one or this one?"
after a moment of silence savini stammers, "umm ... the blue one?" mh nods.
"me too!" she exclaims. "this is fun. what the heck, hand me that champagne -- i didn't expect a bachelorette party!"
meanwhile, half an hour later kenny and jeremiah singe were both well into their 2nd forty, with neither man seeming to hold a clear advantage.
"you are a worthy opponent hobo!" exclaims singe. perhaps there is singe blood in your background. that or the years of drinking bathtub gin at the trainyard while warming your hands by the fires of some barrel have toughened your liver."
"i ain't no hobo!" cries kenny.
"sorry, i keep forgetting -- delbert!" a butler appears. "yes sir."
jeremiah singe: delbert, bring me a box of 'mother mcCready's old fashioned medicinal nitrites' -- also known as poppers! i'm half in the bag already, i may as well go large!"
back at the former primauté house the old which was doing some bonding with mh & savini.
"you see, i'd taken the form of a buxom chambermaid, and old jeremiah singe began rogering me rotten. he promised to wed me & make me lady of primauté house. the man's an habitual liar! did you know that? anyway, during a party i found him drunkenly banging the young widow o'doul -- he said he was marrying her because she owned her own ox! later of course, he broke the marriage agreement when i made the ox die -- but from that moment i cursed this place and swore that until all forms of partying & spirits were gone from primauté house the curse would never cease! you know, cattle dying occasionally, various inhabitants getting the runs, that kind of stuff. g-d it's nice to dish it with the girls! i'm feeling much better."
mh & tom savini glance at each other in fear as she gulps down more champagne.
|
|
