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Post by mh on Oct 17, 2013 22:21:15 GMT -6
kenny & buddy & the mystery of the fifty 40's:
a frightening kenny & buddy mystery
starring kenny and buddy: part 1
 
the old monkey alliance HQ stood starkly on the outskirts of justice city as a reminder of the Monkey Alliance's halcyon days. Now abandoned, the tall handsome structure is slowly receding into the earth, falling into irrevocable decay and disrepair. but strangely, if anyone bore witness, a light could be seen on this night.
kenny: buddy, bring that lantern over here -- this looks liek it might be an opening ...
buddy, hoists their beautiful & costly ray-o-vac battery powered lantern, then freezes in his tracks.
buddy: kenny! (he whispers) i heard a noise!
they both stop & listen.
"taffy ... is that you? did you get my note? damn, i stuck it inside a 'london broil' in the break room fridge. there's no way in hell she could've missed it."
buddy takes a few steps, and him & mh collide into one another.
"dammit!" says mh looking around at what used to be the monkey alliance HQ 'jungle room', lit by only a crappy ray-o-vac lantern. "what're you two turd burglars doing here?!"
"well, began buddy, "we're a looking for a lost delivery of 40's that got delivered here by mistake in 2002. we found an old invoice and ..."
kenny: shuddup buddy! anyway, mh, we ate yer london broil. it was seared to perfection. oh i got the note here in my pocket. "taffy, i had a beautiful summertime dream that ..."
"gimme that!" mh shrieks, and jerks it out of kenny's hand. i just wanted taffy to meet me here in hopes that we might unearth some forgotten jesse 'hallen 5' storys. you know baboon archived all that stuff on old 5 1⁄4-inch floppys -- that's all it was, i swear! wait, what's that buddy said about lost 40's? damn. a bunch of properly cooled 40's from 2002 would be reaching the point of perfection by now. to a malt liqueur connoisseur, they'd be priceless! has anyone EVER let a 40 age 11 years without drinking it? I very much doubt it."
"here, mh, "says buddy reaching into a sack, "have a 40. we brought some for the trip. mh opens it and sucks some down & feels somewhat calmer.
they heard a voice.
"mh, are you in here? buddy told me about yer note! if you're not careful, your fatass is going to end up in divorce court! i'm missing doctor who night with my friends because of this sh-t! we were going to do a red dwarf tonite! mh -- are you here?
"oh sh-t, " says mh, lowering his 40. "It's babu baboon."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 18, 2013 14:55:56 GMT -6
MH, Kenny, and Buddy scrambled around before finally hiding. Babu stepped into the room and looked around. "MH?"
Babu's gaze drifted to the center of the room and locked onto the open 40oz of malt liquor next to the bag. He lifted the bottle ad said, "MH? Is this yours? Well, guess what. I'm going to drink it. As a matter of fact, I feel like getting my drunk on. I think I'll drink the whole bag!"
"Damn, he plays dirty," MH growls from his hiding place.
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Post by mh on Oct 20, 2013 17:36:40 GMT -6
"he's bluffing, "whispers mh. "his wife's got him on a damn low-carb diet -- he's only allowed to drink michelob ultra -- he won't touch the stuff ..."
babu takes a long drink from the open 40, and sighs in refreshment. "*gasp*,"says buddy. "one for me, 'babu exclaims loudly, "and one for my homies ..." he tilts the bottle as if to pour some out.
"stop!" yells kenny leaping, from the shadows. "those have to last us all nite!!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 20, 2013 19:23:03 GMT -6
"Aha!" Babu exclaims. "Wait..... Kenny and Buddy?"
Kenny and Buddy explain about the 40s. Babu nods knowingly. "That sounds like a worthy cause." He turns to MH. "But what about you?"
MH starts to feed Babu the same story about Jesse's Hallen 5 stories. ".... and of course, something like that's a two man job, so I needed Taffy for....."
"MH, why are you dressed like that?" Babu interrupts.
"Like what?" MH says.
"You're wearing a smoking jacket and ascot," Babu said. "And what the hell's that cologne?"
"That's cologne?" Buddy says. "I thought he done got sprayed by a skunk."
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Post by mh on Oct 20, 2013 22:30:39 GMT -6
"and there's a bucket of chilled champagne over here, "exclaims kenny. "we been assistants a lot longer than taffy has been an intern, and we don't get treated nearly this good -- dang, is that a spiral ham?"
"okay, okay!" cries mh. "let's forget all that for now. why were those 40's delivered here anyway? and what makes you think they weren't guzzled down by these two neanderthals, no insult intended boys, like all the other alcohol that made it's way in here?"
"well, "begins babu, "by the date of this invoice, december of 2002, the HQ was already shut down. we are the first to enter this structure since 6 months before that date. my security equipment show no heat signature matching a human until yesterday when a reading matching you mh, came in to spruce up 'the jungle room' for his rendezvous."
"hey, i had to make it nice! we're not even paying these girls -- they're interning for 'real world experience' (talking lower to himself) and that's exactly what i was gonna give ..."
babu: huh?
mh: nothing! anyway, what were the 40's for?
"the annual monkeyhouse new years party of course!" says babu. "and this invoice is from 'frugal mcTavish'es -- they were delivering booze here before the place was even the monkeyhouse. that stuffs probably stuck in some hidden crevice of this place we don't even know about. and get this -- except for the jungle room that mh heated up yesterday, the monkeyhouse retains a constant temperature winter or summer of between 39-45 degrees fahrenheit." babu smiles knowingly.
kenny, buddy and mh say at once, "omg! the perfect temperature for forties!"
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Post by mh on Oct 21, 2013 0:11:31 GMT -6
later, after everyone has sucked down some old english, babu & mh formulate a plan. "okay," says babu, "we'll split up, and take either kenny or buddy with us. they're both basically malt liquor bloodhounds! -- we'll circle this floor from either side, and meet at the main entrance hall. I've read up on this place's history. 150 yrs ago the old monkey-house was known as 'Primauté House'. It was very grand in it's day and they held big parties. there could be kegs of g-d knows what hidden away down here! the 40's might only be the beginning. we were too busy screwing around a decade ago to ever properly search the place."
"and then it says," kenny recites to buddy, reading from mh's note, "taffy ... you have built a pillow fort in my heart ... damn buddy, that's beautiful ... it almost maid me cry!"
"gimme that," yells mh, and jerks the note away from kenny. "how the hell do you keep getting this?!"
"listen guys, "says babu, "we'd better get started. let's find that hooch -- we don't want to take all night. me & mh have a busy day tomorrow."
"how come," asks mh.
"me and you have to go out and buy you a new suit. so your fatass will look halfway presentable in divorce court."
"dammit!" cries mh.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 21, 2013 11:41:25 GMT -6
Suddenly, they heard a sound of something being knocked over followed by a strange rattle. "Ha-ka-ka-ka..."
"What is it?" MH said, noticing the look of concern on Babu's face.
"My baboon sense is tingling... There's something in here with us..."
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Post by mh on Oct 21, 2013 15:24:11 GMT -6
although full of malt liqueur and spiral ham, the four manage to duck into the shadows. mh quickly sticking the bottle of mid-range champagne in the pocket of his smoking jacket, and a brave buddy stowing the remaining forties into their bag and shoving them behind a stool.
"what the hell could it be -- this place has been abandoned for years", rasps mh. "could a hyena have smelled my spiral ham? could it be the jersey devil? the mothman? a morlock? a wookalar?"
"no", whispers babu. "i sealed the door. and besides, a wookalar isn't real! it's from that damn private eyes movie you like so much with tim conway & don knotts -- you drunken, smoking-jacking wearing idiot."
"hey!" whispers mh. "that's not true -- kenny in engaged to one!"
"mh, you fastard, 'came a voice from the shadows, 'don't be a talking about my finance-ee liek that!"
"shoot, says mh, "i didn't bring my 1916 mauser or any of my throwing stars! not that either of those would ever stop a wookalar."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 21, 2013 18:45:47 GMT -6
Suddenly, they all heard a loud, savage ripping and tearing noise, much like a pack of hyenas going after a bloodied carcass. Kenny turned his lantern in the direction of MH's spiraled ham. All that was left was the plate and tiny bits of ham.
"Dang," Kenny said. "I aint heard nuthin' like that since the interns found the doughnuts in the breakroom the mayor sent over to thank you guys for beatin' the Crimson Mullet."
"That could be one of us next if we're not careful," MH said.
In the distance, they heard the same rattle, "...ha-ka-ka-ka...."
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Post by mh on Oct 21, 2013 20:58:07 GMT -6
"follow me, "whispers kenny. and he pulls the tail on a hanging monkey on the wall of the jungle room, and a small portal opens up just below it. kenny slips in, and the others follow, and the portal shuts almost seamlessly behind them.
"we'll be safe in here while we done formulate a plan of action, like batman used to always said in them old justice leagues," says kenny.
"what is this, "asks babu, sounding baffled. "i've never see this before ..."
"why it's the old janitor's closet!" says kenny. he flicks a switch and the room is bathed in low light.
mh: woa! is that a fountain?!
"sure," says buddy. "there's also a big screen teevee, a tanning bed, a sunken tub, and a mini-bar and fridge. go ahead guys, help yerselves to some honey roasted nuts. their vacuum packed -- they should still be fine."
"holy smokes," says, babu, "you guys were living like kings down here! is that cognac?!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 22, 2013 6:31:04 GMT -6
Babu, MH, Kenny and Buddy are lounging around the janitor's "closet" when MH says through a mouth full of roasted peanuts, "Babu, you've got super strength and you can fly. Why don't you get the hell out there and take care of business?"
"I'd like to know what we're dealing with first," Babu says.
"There's always the cameras," Kenny says.
"You've got cameras in here?" Babu says.
Kenny hits a remote control and a painting slides up to reveal several monitors.
"wataminnit!" Babu exclaims. "One of those is in the bathroom!"
"Oh yeah," Kenny says. "When Jesse found about this place, he made us put one there so he could take still shots of you guys a sittin' on the terlet."
MH point to the one in the jungle room. "I saw something move!" Suddenly, a clawed, misshapen hand strikes the camera and it goes to static.
"Gna-ah-ah!" everyone exclaims at once.
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Post by mh on Oct 22, 2013 9:53:55 GMT -6
"omg," exclaims mh,"what was that?!"
"amber maybe?" suggests buddy. "she really don't keep her nails very nice."
"that was no human hand, "says babu. scrating his head, "this is a problem. what are our options?"
"i know, "says kenny, "i can send out the electronic floor vaccum. we have one on every floor."
mh: what'll that do?
babu: wait! it has extermination capacity, right kenny?
"yep,"replies kenny, "on extermination mode it'll stun a rat or a mouse, then pick it up with it's little metal claw, drop it in ther toilet and flush it harmlessly down into the sewer where it can swim & play with it's freinds."
babu & mh look at one another & shrug.
"unless it's too big, then the vacuum holds it over the terlet by the tail and cuts it in half neatly with it's tiny chainsaw," buddy whispers behind his hand. "that kenny, he never reads ther owners manuals."
"at full power it could drop a kangaroo, 'says kenny. "should we try it?"
"mr. kenny," says babu, rubbing his hands together in excitement, "let it be done."
as the vacuum emerges from it's lair, a tiny camera winks on behind it's headlights, and they can see the area in front of the vac on one of the monitors as it scoots along.
"careful blinky!" exclaims kenny.
"he named it?" babu whispers to buddy.
buddy, shakes his head sadly. "he names everything."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 22, 2013 10:42:51 GMT -6
They all watch the monitor as Blinky heads across the jungle room. The headlights go dark as something lands on top of it. The speakers are suddenly filled with the sound of rending metal.
"Gna-ah-ah!" the entire group goes at once.
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Post by mh on Oct 22, 2013 14:00:01 GMT -6
a dark shape shrieks in pain & seems to dart from the jungle room. then nothing.
moments later, the group are piling everything heavy they can find in front of the hidden janitor's closet entrance.
"poor blinky," says kenny.
"shut up kenny, "says buddy, shoving an expensive 18th century desk toward the entrance, "blinky was mean! i tried to shut him off once so i could clean out his filters, and he came at me with that little chainsaw! the other vacuum droids are okay, but blinky was friggin' mean!"
"don't talk bad about poor blinky!" yells kenny. "the poor little guy, he never stood a chance."
"that's true, "says mh, "but i think that homicidal little rat murderer was able to, at the last moment, shove his saw into that thing's foot. blinky had a lot of anger."
"so we know it can be hurt, "surmises babu. "damn, i'm freezing. and if that things a yeti the cold temps put us at a disadvantage! i'm gonna turn up the heat."
"no!" cries buddy. "you might destroy the integrity of the lost malt liqueur!"
"here, 'says buddy going into a closet, "there are nice warm smoking jackets and ascots for all of us! they're left over from the late 90's when the m.a. was a wallowing in their own decadence."
"dammit!" exclaims babu. "more smoking jackets?! none of us even smoke."
"well, "says kenny, tying his ascot, "if done looking good during a horrible damn human devouring monster attack is a crime, than let me be guilty."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 22, 2013 14:47:33 GMT -6
"We're never going to find those 40s or stop that creature as long as we're stuck in here," Babu says.
"Well, what do you recommend?" MH says.
Babu nods up to the large air vent near the ceiling. "There's always the air ducts.
"We don't even know where that leads!" MH says.
"It beats being trapped in here," Babu says.
"I dunno, it's pretty nice in here," Kenny says, scarfing down roasted peanuts. "We could last in here for a long time."
"I don't plan on living in here forever," babu says, pushing a coffee table under the air vent. "Now start stacking furniture so we can get up there
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