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Post by mh on Nov 2, 2013 13:10:48 GMT -6
monkeyhouse murder mystery pt. 1
a monkeyhouse tale of murder, horror, deceit & intrigue
starring the monkey alliance and many fascinating personages
on a crisp late autumn day, babu baboon and mh were traveling to a wealthy suburb of the city of 'justice', in babu's prized 1982 vw jetta, as celebrity guests of a murder mystery weekend.
"i don't understand why you didn't want to take the monkey-mobile, "says babu, as he pilots the jetta thru the winding turns, surrounded by breathtaking fall scenery.
"this piece of crap exhibits a certain understated elegance," mh replies testily. "we don't want to land the monkey-mobile -- that gigantic, ear-splittingly-loud, leaking eyesore on these people's lawn! sometimes, for whatever reason, it kills all the vegetation for miles around!"
"you're exaggerating, "says babu. "I hope the others are able to swing by before it's over. hairbutt is getting his minivan out of the shop today. it ought to be fun."
later, mh has fallen into a fitful sleep, and snaps out of it abruptly.
"omg! we didn't bring hound's-tooth blazers! we can't go to an invitation to a weekend in the country without hound's-tooth blazers -- it's an unforgivable faux pas -- we'll be ostracized! we'll look like idiots! -- wait! pull over!!"
mh jumps out of the jetta, and comes back moments later looking cheerful.
"what luck I saw that sign. 'new & lightly used hound's-tooth blazers for sale'! I picked these up for $19.99 apiece! what a relief. call the others & tell them to be sure & stop. damn, I pulled out butts outta th' fire that time."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 4, 2013 12:15:09 GMT -6
Babu and MH turn into a long tree lined driveway and then pull up to a large Victorian manor. Shortly, a van pulls up behind them with the rest of the Monkey Alliance. They are all wearing hounds-toothed blazers like the ones MH and Babu are wearing.
"Sorry we were running a little behind, Doc Quantum says. "It was hard to find ones to fit Hairbutt and Highness."
They walk up to the door and Babu rings the doorbell. A butler answers the door. He looks them over and says, "The Monkey Alliance, I presume?"
He opens the door and waves them in. "The other guests are in the sitting room."
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Post by mh on Nov 4, 2013 13:08:39 GMT -6
"this is some joint, "says highness, "i ain't kiddin'. this is some kinda' lux-shoe-rus (luxurious) joint!"
"hey, talk fancy dip wadd!" scolds babu.
"now we're instructed to stay in character, "says mh. "whatever these people say or call you, just go with it. what I was saving for last, the "east justice country club murder mystery society" are very interested in becoming permanent sponsors! they're ready to lay out the hundies!"
"sweet fancy andy jackson mh, "says babu, "are you sure?!"
"yep, look at this, "mh replies handing babu a check.
"holy blue hannah, "says doc Q, looking over babu's shoulder, "that would probably pay the rent at that termite infested strip mall for six months!"
"if this goes thru, "says mh, "we might have to leave that rat hole for something more swank."
hairbutt pops in his monocle, "well old bean, old boy, let's not keep our benefactors waiting."
a woman comes up & takes hairbutt by the arm.
"captain hairbutt! how was your voyage across the atlantic," she croons.
"huh, "says hairbutt.
she looks at the others smiling, "isn't the captain charming? ... come, you must tell me all about it!"
otherwise, the sitting room is empty.
"the other guests have adjourned to the garden for cocktails & croquet!" she calls behind her as she drags hairbutt along.
"okay, c'mon, "says mh, "do like hairbutt just did! say what you want about the guy, the sonofab-tch can be charming when he wants to."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 7, 2013 18:34:30 GMT -6
"Ah, Colonel Baboon, so good of you to join us!" a Matronly woman says, walking up to Babu Baboon. "And you've brought friends!"
"Yes," Babu says, realizing he's supposed to make up something on the spot. "Uh... yes...um ... Doctor Quantum, Mr. MH, Professor Drivtaan, and the Reverend HisHighness."
"Oh, a Reverend!" she says excitedly, taking the giant cannabis monster's arm. "Then you can bless our little game."
Highness gulps as everyone turns his way. "Uh... dear father... bless this... croquette match... and... uh... let everyone play good... amen." The butler carrying a tray of cocktails walks behind HisHighness and his eyes suddenly roll back in his head and he slumps to the ground.
"You might want to tone it down," Babu whispers to HisHighness.
"Sorry," HisHighness whispers back. "I leak more smoke when I'm nervous."
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Post by mh on Nov 7, 2013 22:47:54 GMT -6
mh walking to the buffet table is nervous. yeah, his new hairpiece looks sensational, as does his even newer hounds tooth blazer, but will the m.a. guys be able to pull this off? he begins gulping down canapés, and tries to relax & enjoy the old 1920's music that's playing, when two familiar heads stick up out from under the table. one asks:
"hey mh, would it be okay if i took a croquet mallet & smacked somebody in the back of the head with it? it's all fake right?"
"kenny and buddy!" mh rasps in horror.
"no!!! if you do that, you'll kill somebody! stay under the damn table -- stay there! stay all friggin' weekend unless we need you for something -- dammit!"
"why is mh crying," prof. drivtaan, sipping a lime rickey, asks doctor quantum.
"I dunno, "replies quantum, "maybe it's the character he's doing. or maybe the guy's going thru male menopause."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 8, 2013 16:39:15 GMT -6
MH is still holding up the table cloth arguing with Kenny and buddy when the matronly woman walks up behind him. "Sir Kenneth and Count Budrick!" she says with delight. "So good of you to join us! Whatever are you doing under there? Come out and join the party!"
"No no no...." MH groans.
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Post by mh on Nov 8, 2013 18:17:41 GMT -6
babu walks up holding a cocktail. "those are nice hounds-tooth blazers sir kenny & count buddy are wearing, "he says.
"this is a nightmare, "says mh, "as he fills a goblet with gin & drinks it down. "they're wearing dickies underneath!"
"and rustler jeans! and oil-proof janitor boots! damn baboon, you out to stick those two guys up on the moon like the justice society used to solomon grundy."
he gulps down his gin & refills it.
babu starts to reply, but the matronly lady grabs him by the arm & pulls him toward the crochet match.
mh grabs the gin bottle and starts under the table when the butler appears.
"ah, master mh, "he says lowly, "the members have been thrilled with your groups appearance so far. such civilized gentlemen. I've spoken with each privately, and they now have a complete grasp of their characters. you are 'mr. mh'. a penniless drunken lout passing himself off as a wealthy heir. you have won the heart of a beautiful debutant and are engaged."
"omg, is it cornelia guest, the deb of the decade?!" enthuses mh.
"no sir, "the butler sighs, "this isn't 1986. it's the young lady there. waving."
"what th' ...," gasps mh.
"she has paid handsomely for this sir," says the butler. she is something of a fan. it would be in your best interest not to displease her."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 10, 2013 0:44:26 GMT -6
MH passes Doctor Quantum, Professor Drivtaan, and Reverend HisHighness. "Hey, get this guys. That broad I'm supposed to entertain? Her dad owns this place! They're freaking loaded! If I play this right, we could have a really big sponsor! I'm just headed to get us some mamosas."
"Maybe you should be.... you know... extra-special nice to her," Doc says.
"What do you mean? Of course I'm going to be nice to her. I'm not some kind of jerk..."
"No, we mean see to it she's properly 'entertained'," Drivtaan says with a wink.
"Well, I know some jokes...." MH says.
"No... Make sure she ends the day with a smile on her face," HisHighness says.
"Huh?" MH says, squinting.
"I believe they are intimating that you should pork her, sir," the butler says as he passes by with a tray of cocktails.
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Post by mh on Nov 11, 2013 13:21:52 GMT -6
"oh crap!" exclaims mh. grabbing a crochet (kro-khet) mallet, he runs off into a grove of trees, with babu following.
"hey, "what're you doing, "babu exclaims," yer gunna make me spill my gin rickey!"
"well, "says mh, "I prepared for such an eventuality! i'm not a knockin' boots with that 40-something would-be debutant."
taking out a bottle of zombie blood
 
mh douses himself liberally with it, carefully avoiding staining his hound's tooth jacket. and then smacks himself over the head with the crochet mallet.
"hey that isn't really believable, "says babu.
"okay, "replies mh, "if they don't believe it, tell them col. mustard killed me with a damn screwdriver or something."
he smacks himself a second time & drops to the ground.
kenny & buddy rush up.
"quick sir kenny, "says babu, "use yer incredible cleaning skills & clean him up -- he's gonna ruin everything!"
"it's okay," says kenny, dabbing mh with a napkin. "vodka will take this right out."
the debutant runs up & throws herself on mh.
"what's happened to my poor fiancé?!" she cries.
"oh he got ... hit by a polo pony, "explains col. babu. "just got the wind knocked out of him. he'll be fine."
walking off babu takes a sip of his gin rickey and mutters, "sir kenny & count buddy. sheesh. you'd think a count should actually be able to count."
and then he hears a scream.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 12, 2013 12:28:39 GMT -6
Everyone runs back to the sitting room where they see a maid who has brought her hands up to her mouth to stifle a scream. On the floor is a woman wearing a shawl and headscarf who was sprawled out on the floor.
Doctor Dupin, a professor of proctology from France on a lecture tour in the US, leans down to check her pulse. "She is dead," the French professor says. "It looks as if she were strangled."
"Poor madame Kushka," the matronly woman says. "Who would want to kill a simple gypsy fortune teller?"
"perhaps she saw something someone wanted to remain hidden," Colonel Baboon says.
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Post by mh on Nov 15, 2013 2:49:18 GMT -6
mr. mh staggers in, along with sir kenny, count buddy & mr. mh's new fiancée, who has told them her name is gertrude von degaton. she is holding onto mh's pants.
There's been a murder," cries doctor dupin, "a murder most foul!"
gertrude von degaton screams & falls into a faint.
"she still won't leggo of my pants!" exclaims mh.
a quick-thinking count buddy says, "i'll resuscitate her!" and dumps a champagne bucket fulla ice down her back.
"ghaaaaa!!!" gertrude screams & begins to run around in circles.
mh runs back to the outside buffet table, grabs a bottle of single malt scotch & crawls underneath the table.
"von degaton," ponders buddy. "why does that name sound familiar?"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 15, 2013 17:27:15 GMT -6
Gertrude finally stops running around and screaming. "Where did my loverboy get off to?" she asks.
"He's under there," Doctor Quantum say. "He was looking for a nice secluded romantic spot for the two of you until this nasty business is over with."
"Oh my, he's such a Casanova," she gushes, heading for the buffet table.
"Kind of throwing him under the bus, aren't you?" Colonel Baboon says.
"Hey, she's an heiress. There's a lot of money at stake here," Doctor Quantum says.
"Gertrude Von Degaton?" Babu says. "That name doesn't sound familiar to you at all?"
"Should it?" Doc says.
"I thought you studied our old case files."
"Those things are awful long, you know," Doctor Quantum says.
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Post by mh on Nov 16, 2013 10:35:44 GMT -6
peeking from under the table mh sees his new fiancé coming toward him, grinning crazily. he rolls out the other end & dashes for the house, she spots him and makes chase, laughing like they're playing a game. moments later he shows up on the lawn where dr. dupin is grilling the guests. mh pulls babu, kenny & buddy aside and they move to an inconspicuous spot where they can compare notes.
"where's yer gurl, "buddy asks mh.
"she's in the house searching room to room giggling like a freak, "replies mh. "nevermind that, we got a problem."
"thank goodness, "exclaims babu, "you noticed too."
"yes!" says mh. "we're the only male guests on the property not wearing ox-blood loafers! i can't believe it! if anyone looks down, we're ruined!"
babu rolls his eyes, "listen there's nothing we can do about it, and we've got a real problem .."
just then feet away on a picturesque trail, a wooden cart shows up. the man pushing it yells, "ox-blood loafers! get yer lightly used vintage ox-blood loafers! only $19.99 apiece!"
"we're saved!" cries mh. he returns moment's later with a box full.
"these are nice, "says Kenny, slipping into the pair mh hands him, "do they have janitor, slip-proof soles?"
"no they don't!" exclaims mh. "you've been knighted by the queen sir kenneth, don't ask questions like that!"
"okay listen everyone, "begins babu, "ouuu, nice fit! oh, anyway mh's new sweetie is "gertrude von degaton" ... did you hear that? degaton! something smells wrong about this setup."
hairbutt & doc von Q walk up. "yeah but isn't degaton a common name in America, "asks hairbutt, slipping on some loafers, "liek smith?"
"not really, "replies babu. then he notices one pair is left.
"wait, where's drivtaan, "babu asks. "shouldn't he be all into this detection stuff?"
above, a dark figure stands unseen, and using a crowbar frees a heavy stone column. which gives way, and falls right toward babu's head.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 16, 2013 14:07:57 GMT -6
The stone column falls down, splitting across Babu's head, crashing to the floor in two pieces. Babu falls to the ground.
"Is you alright?" Kenny asks Babu as he and Buddy help him to his feet.
"Speak to me!" exclaims MH.
"I'm ready for my close up, Mr. Deville," Babu says through a daze.
"You know, this done looked a lot funnier when I saw it on the Flinstones," Buddy says.
"This is no laughing matter," Doc Quantum says. "Obviously, that was no accident."
The rest of the crowd starts to walk up. "What happened?" the matronly woman asks.
"Someone tied to kill Colonel Baboon!" Hairbutt says.
"Obviously," Dr. Dupin says. "But who?"
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Post by mh on Nov 17, 2013 20:41:04 GMT -6
drivtaan approaches, pulling a scuffy fellow alongside him and announces, "dr. dupin, I must disagree!"
"and who are you & this fellow," asks dupin.
"I am commodore drivtaan, retired, and this is milus leach, a stonemason hired to repair the flagstones above. he is unskilled, idiotic, and dirty, but he's no murderer."
"hey!" exclaims leach.
"ummm, you are undoubted correct, "says dupin. "an unfortunate accident. "commodore, you seem to have some small skill in detection. perhaps you would like to join me back to where poor madame kushka was strangled."
"oh course, "replies commodore drivtaan, with a nod.
"before leaving drivtaan whispers to the m.a. members, "this fellow is as guilty as sin. tie and gag him very securely and lock him in the bicycle shed. and don't be gentle."
"yes, i will have some gravy!" exclaims babu baboon.
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