|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 22, 2019 20:22:19 GMT -6
MH knocks on Babu Baboon's door frame as he enters his office. "Hey, Babu. A bunch of us are going to Meaty McGee's for lunch. You want to come with?"
"Sure," Babu says. "I'm just going over these submissions for potential candidates."
"Anyone promising?" MH asks.
"Not really. THis last guy has the most potential of all of them... and he's ...terrible."
"Really? What's his deal?" MH asks.
"During a car wreck involving a storage tanker, he is hit by a chemical spill, causing him to lose his sense of decency. Now he fights crime at night in full fetish gear as 'The Reprobate'."
"I don't even want to know what's in that utility belt," MH says.
"I'll bet you fifty bucks one of those pouches has astro-glide in it," Babu says. "He should go form his own team. Call it the All-Weener Squad."
"Until Huntress Diana returns, I thought that was us," MH says. "If she comes back. We might have gone one dick or fart joke too far."
"I'm about 90% sure she turned in her resignation," Babu says.
"Just 90%?"
"I'm allowing for the 10% chance that one of the rest of you took a shit on my desk."
Babu hits the buzzer on his intercom. "Peggy, could you come in here?"
"Yeah, boss?" Peggy says, poking her head in the door.
Babu holds the stack out to her and says, "Could you give these to the interns so they can make the call-backs? Unfortunately, none of them made the grade.
"Peggy sees the picture of the Reprobate. Gaw-damn! You could scrub your laundry on those abs!" She turns red and says, "I said that out loud, didn't I?"
Peggy talks up to Dakota's desk. "Fur-fanny wants you gals to do the call-backs."
"Technically, his fanny is the only part of him not furry," Dakota says, but Peggy has already gone.
"Aw, man," Dakota says, "Seeing the post-it with rejected attached to the Reprobate's picture.
""What?" Taffy says.
"My cousin Loyd didn't make the cut."
"Dang," Skye says wistfully. "You could bounce a quarter off that ass."
Dakota and Taffy turn to look at her.
"What?" Skye says. "The guys have we interns for eye-candy. How about something for us?"
"It does make me wonder," Dakota says. "Where do super heroes go when even the Monkey Alliance has rejected them?"
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on Feb 27, 2019 21:40:57 GMT -6
"fur fanny has rejected us!" cries "scary-girl man" holding a form monkey alliance rejection letter, with a bunch of his fellow rejects at dunkin' donuts.
"but why?!!" cries 'star-fish lad'.
"it's all politics," says 'beauty-queen man'.
"they think they're such stuff, "says 'captain dirt', wielding his mop of justice.
"all because they have their own kryptonian! and a spook guy. and a manhunter clone. and a neatheral. and ..."
"enough!" cries "scary-girl man".
"hey, pipe down!" says trixie, moonlighting from meaty mcgees.
"okay, who had the 'triple bear-claw raspberry daydream?" "oh," she says eyeing 'arizona lass', it musta been you! we should offer lipo with that one!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 28, 2019 13:50:42 GMT -6
So why do you want to be in the Monkey Alliance anyway?" Trixie asks. "You could always go to Miami and join the JL-LGBQT."
"What?" Beauty Queen Man says, aghast. "I'm not gay! I'm a highly skilled street fighter and detective!"
"Then why...?" Trixie starts to ask.
"It just feels right, okay?" Beauty Queen Man exclaims. "It just feels.. right."
"At least you choose to dress that way," Scary Gurl Man says. "I'm able to summon up the abilities of powerful poltergeists. Unfortunately, they're all little girls, so every time I come to, I'm wearing a kid's party dress and a wig."
Suddenly, a bell rings as the door opens and the Reprobate walks in. "Sir, you can't come in in here dressed like... Oh, hey Lloyd!" Trixie says, perking up. "Nevermind."
"Won't your manager be mad you let him come in here in that outfit?" Starfish Lad asks.
"He is the manager," Trixie says.
"I think your manager needs to work harder on the whole secret identity thing," Scary Gurl Man says.
"Ah! Fellow heroes!" the Reprobate says. He adopts a more somber tone. "I see you have gotten rejection letters, as well." He grabs a chair and joins their table. "I can't help feeling as if we were all judged unfairly."
"So what's your story, amigo?" Captain Dirt asks.
"As a youth, I rushed to rescue a dog who was about to be hit by a car that had collided with a storage tanker. That tanker was carrying strange chemicals that splashed me and caused me to lose my sense of decency. In exchange, they granted me strange and amazing powers."
"What powers?" Beauty Queen Man asks.
"I have the ability to make all women and gay men uncontrollably horny," the Reprobate says earnestly.
"Are... you sure that's the chemicals?" Starfish Man says, noticing Arizona Lass is blushing and fidgeting in her chair while Trixie is giggling and grinning like a loon while she plays with a lock of her hair.
"I know it is, because like most mutants, my powers manifested themselves at puberty. At the same time, my body began to go through extraordinary changes," he says, looking down at his biceps and torso.
"Again," Beauty Queen man says, "Are you sure..."
"My powers don't affect all women, though," the Reprobate says. "Those women have all turned out to be lesbians."
"I hear you, brother," Captain Dirt says, nodding.
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 30, 2019 19:39:40 GMT -6
"So we all got screwed," Scary Gurl Man says. "The question is, what do we do about it?"
"We're not gonna become villains, are we?" Arizona Lass asks. "Like a Monkey Alliance Revenge Squad? My parents weren't exactly keen on the whole hero thing. If I became a villain, it's really not going to go over well. It's hard to put a positive spin on something like that in the Christmas newsletter."
"No, as much as I'd love to see the look on their big stupid faces, I don't want to be a bad guy, either," Beauty Queen says.
"We need a way to make them notice us!" Star-Fish Lad says. "You know, to see what they're missing!"
"I may have the thing," the Reprobate says. "I got a tip that Funky Flashman's cousin, Flip, will be in town auctioning off Manhunter DNA for do-it-yourself henchman armies."
"Are arch-villains still buying that stuff?" Captain Dirt says. "That stuff has been used and copied and re-copied so much that people are starting to call all clone-soldiers manhunters, sort of how people startd to call all copy machine copies xeroxes. MH actually started trying to sue people over it, but it's hard to get villains to show up for civil hearings."
"Well, sure, you get the occassional clone with flippers instead of hands or one with two heads, but overall, Manhunter DNA is still a pretty reliable brand," the Reprobate says.
"Flip Flashman might be hard to beat," Arizona Lass says.
"Why?" Star-fish Lad. "He's not even the famous Flashman. He's his cousin."
"I think he might be a meta. Everyone who's ever caught him has let him go. THey always end up seeing him as this nice simple guy who just ended up getting in over his head. Even Batman, Wild Dog, and the Punisher all let him go! When they asked him about it, the Punisher shook his head and said he couldn't bring himself to hurt him. He reminded him too much of Doofus Rick from Rick and Morty."
"Well, we've got to give it a try," Beauty Queen Man says. "If we get this Manhunter DNA off the streets, MH himself will be pulling for us!"
"SO it's settled then!" We go to Flip Flashman's Paul Kirk DNA auction!"
"And I have just the dress!" Bauty Queen Man says.
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on May 25, 2019 23:29:12 GMT -6
as they are leaving, scary-gurl man notices 'sno-flake lass' for the first time.
"s-f lass, what are your powers?" asks scary-gurl man gobbling a vanilla crème donut. assuming she might be the group's 'captain cold'.
"why didn't you order a chocolate?" asks sno-flake lass, looking at his donut.
"i don't like 'em," replies scary-gurl man.
"racist! nazi!" shrieks 'sno-flake gurl'.
"oh, i get it," sighs scary gurl man sadly.
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Aug 5, 2021 22:39:25 GMT -6
"If you guys wait here, I can pull around the Reprobate-Mobile and we can all pile in," the Reprobate says.
"The Reprobate-Mobile?" Arizona Lass says nervously.
"Yes, it's the huge black van back there with tinted windows," the Reprobate says pointing to the back of the parking lot. "I can go get it and bring it around. I'm sure we will all fit." He walks off, his leather chaps squeaking and everyone looks at each other nervously.
"I'm just going to come out and say it," Starfish Lad says. "Do we really want to ride with him?"
"Stop trying to kink shame him!" Sno-flake Gurl shrieks.
"I'm just saying..." Starfish Lad shrugs.
"OK, Boomer..."
"I'm 28!"
"It's not about the age. It's the attitude!" she sneers.
He has a point. Even if we don't get roofied, everything's very likely to be sticky in there," Beauty Queen says.
"I find all your attitudes very problematic," Sno-Flake Gurl says. I may have to Vlog about this tonight."
"Okay, we'll take the ride," Captain Dirt sighs. "Dang."
"That's easy for you to say," Scary Gurl Man mutters as the van pulls up. "You're not dressed like a Japanese School girl..."
|
|
|
|
Post by Doc Quantum on Aug 9, 2021 10:54:12 GMT -6
A figure on the corner wearing a trench coat with a wide brimmed hat, dark sunglasses and a bushy beard waves awkwardly.
Reprobate Man turns to the others and says, “Pile in, guys and gals, I just gotta do something.”
“Did you just assume my gender?” huffs Sno-Flake Girl. “My pronouns are It/They/Zir!!!”
Ignoring it/they/zir, Reprobate Man grabs a paper bag full of magazines and walks over to the.... uh.... man?
“HEY! You don’t know if he identifies as a man!” Sno-Flake Girl shouts at the narrator.
“He,” Sno-Flake Girl, assuming a gender with the use of a male pronoun? Ha, I say. Ha! Anyway...
“Okay, Doc, here’s your latest copies of BUTTZ, S&M AFICIONADO, TRICKED OUT TRANNIES, HOLE MONTHLY, and SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN.”
“Thank you,” whispers the unknown-gendered figure referred to as Doc (but could be anybody, really — you don’t know). “These are simply for research purposes, you understand.”
“No prob,” replies Reprobate Man. “But, uh, Doc — you know you can get access to a whole lot more of this kind of... ‘research material’ on the Internet, right? I could set you up with a few freebie trials, and....
“NO. I prefer the texture of the pages. Screens give me eye strain.”
“Oh, hey, I get it, Doc. You and me, we’re like two peas in a pod.” Reprobate Man smiles, causing the figure of unknown gender to recoil in horror.
“I’m simply a scientist in need of research material, no more, no less. And please, RM, ixnay on the ock-day around the ebs-play.”
“Oh, sure, Doc. I mean, ‘stranger,’” Reprobate Man says with a wink. “Same time next month?”
“Of course,” the figure of unknown gender says, clutching the paper bag of magazines as he/she/they/it (?) shamble away, having disguised themselves so well that the figure’s true identity WILL NEVER BE DISCOVERED!
|
|
|
|
Post by mh on Aug 29, 2021 23:21:18 GMT -6
the next morning babu baboon wakes up, runs into the breakfast nook, and begins pouring coffee down his jowls.
"what's the problem babu?" asks doc quatum.
"i keep seeing l. ron hubbard in my dreams!" rasps babu thru coffee slurps.
"and again, what's the problem?" asks doc.
"he's coming on to me!"cries babu.
"ghaaaa!" yells doc.
|
|
|
|
Post by Babu Baboon on Sept 5, 2021 12:46:32 GMT -6
"He was chasing me around saying he needed to get a reading," Babu says. "It was terrifying."
"I can imagine," Doc says.
"So why was your door locked all night?" Babu asks.
"No reason!" Doc blurts. "Heh heh. Must have locked it by accident."
'Sounded like you were working out." Babu says, sipping his coffee.
"Yeah," Doc laughs nervously. "Working out."
"We have a gym for that," Babu says.
Before Doc can say anything, Dakota walks up, looking concerned. "Guys?"
"What is it?" Doc asks, happy to change the subject.
"My cousin loyd left a message last night. He said he was on the trail of something big."
MH, walking up, says, "heh...If that guy says he's on something big, I'm not sure we want to get involved."
"Hey!" Dakota exclaims.
|
|
