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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 25, 2013 12:55:11 GMT -6
Meanwhile, in the sprit world, both Kenny and Jeremiah Singe have consumed mass quantities of malt liquor. Kenny has drunk the most, but Jeremiah Singe is the one starting to slump in his chair.
"Zounds, man! How is it you have had so much but still sit so straight?"
"Thas my shuper power," Kenny says. "I can drink and drink, but I never fall down, no matter how shloppy or embaressing I get."
"And he does get sloppy and embaressing," Babu says. "The man's a tank!"
"Quick, Delbert!" Jeremiah Singe exclaims. "More poppers!"
Meanwhile, back in the former Primaute house, the witch is downing more of MH's mid-priced champagne. "Ooo, I'm starting to get a little tipsy.... I mean, anyone could have their way with me right now."
"Gnaaaahhh!!" MH and Tom Savini exclaim.
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Post by mh on Oct 25, 2013 17:29:40 GMT -6
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Post by mh on Oct 25, 2013 17:32:41 GMT -6
"calm down girls -- er boys, "says the witch, "that was the champagne talking. maybe i should stop making it magically refill! i'm a one man woman -- here, have another shot sideburns, "she says to mh.
gulping some down mh says, "why didn't you just transform back to the buxom housemaid? maybe then singe would have ..."
"i'm not changin' for no man!" she snarls. she looks at savini, "am i right?!"
"ummm, sing it sister," savini replies. then to mh, "watch it man! as long as she thinks we're her best girlfriends we're reasonably safe."
Back in the spirit world, kenny was barely maintaining his lead and a crowd of other-worlders had gathered to watch the contest. singe however was quickly unraveling. the fact that jeremiah singe would occasionally suck down a bottle of "Nurse McCready's Surgical Bruise Lotion" probably didn't help matters.
"what is your secret simpleton? have you an alcoholic serpent living in your bowels?!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 25, 2013 21:24:14 GMT -6
" think I got somethin' livin' in my bowels," Kenny gulped.
"Just hang in there, pal," Babu said. "You've got him on the ropes!"
Suddenly, Jeremiah Singe's head fell forward and hit the table. A cheer rose from the crowd.
"We did it. We won!" Kenny said. "I can go throw up now..."
"Yeah, we won," Babu said. "Just one problem. The guy who was supposed to send us back just passed out."
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Post by mh on Oct 25, 2013 22:39:56 GMT -6
after a 2 minutes or so of hard snoring, jeremiah singe rises up and says, "oh fiddly sticks -- I've been bested!!"
"kenneth," says singe, shaking Kenny's hand, "you ability to metabolize spirits is without peer! you must have a liver the size of a hog's bladder! hah! i'll tell you, this tale will live in infamy for centuries! how a singe was beaten in a drinking challenge by a wandering simpleton!"
the bunch of over-dressed fops in the spirit world applaud, and Kenny puts his arms up, palms upward, and moves them up and down.
"what in hades is he doing," yells someone from the back.
"why, he's 'raising the roof!" exclaims jeremiah singe. "a customary acknowledgement of victory from the 21st century!"
the fops applaud again.
"okay now singe, "begins babu, "you have to keep your word & go back to primaute house and give your ring to the old witch."
"wait ... oh dog doo doo!" singe exclaims. "I almost forgot! I must leave my life of drinking & wenching here in the spirit world, to a life of servitude to an old dried up insane witch who'll spend eternity tormenting me! okay, here's the portal, let's go -- but one thing. remember, witches are known for their treachery. keep a watchful eye."
the portal appears and they all jump through. seconds later they appear in a hallway of the old monkeyhouse HQ.
"ah-ha!" cries singe. "I promised i'd return, but nothing else! now i'll go and hide in some other abandoned mansion until midnight has passed! perhaps the ring will not work! farewell to you, hobos!"
singe runs toward an oak wall, but instead of passing thru, he crashes and falls backwards.
"he must be, becoming flesh already, "says babu. "here help me with him."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 26, 2013 10:56:26 GMT -6
Kenny and Babu pose Jeremiah Singe on a chaise lounge on his side. As a last flourish, Babu takes a fake rose from a nearby vase and sticks it between his teeth.
Kenny then calls out, "Oh witchy-poo, we got somethin' for you!"
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Post by mh on Oct 26, 2013 20:53:14 GMT -6
the witch, seeing jeremiah singe shrieks with delight. then covers her face & runs around the corner.
old witch: jeremiah singe you bold impetuous rascal! you're not supposed to see me before the wedding!
jeremiah singe, coming out of it, spits out the rose. "oh crap!"
"i wove ouuu, "says the witch peeking around the corner.
"well I don't wove ouuu!" exclaims singe. "i'll never wove ouuu!!"
"don't tease your little poo bear, "says the witch drunkenly. "get a load of this," she says, holding out the blue nighty and shaking it. "once the ceremony is done, you'll become flesh every evening at midnight -- for a full 30 minutes! that gives us 5 minutes for foreplay, 15 minutes of hard pumpin' (she grinds her hips suggestively), and 10 minutes for cuddling."
"no!" exclaims singe indignantly. "hell no! -- a singe does not cuddle! but anyway, i suppose these hobos will get their ale now, correct?"
the witch lets loose a long peal of cackling. "oh yes, "she says, "they will have lots of beverage to enjoy." then another long cackle.
"did you hear that laugh bewitched gorilla-man?" singe whispers to babu. "me-thinks that was not an honest cackle."
thinking quickly babu says, "witch lady, "how about you let us throw jeremiah a quick bachelor party? we have time -- while you make yourself even lovelier for the ring ceremony?"
she giggles girlishly. "agreed! come here oaf, let me see the ring" she says to buddy, who obliges.
"it won't come off, "says buddy.
"well", says the witch, "i've been very nice thus far (poking buddy on the nose with her finger), but if that ring isn't off by midnight, i'll bite off your finger and spit the ring out! but not your finger." buddy gulps hard.
"okay, bye pookie!" she yells to singe as she takes another gulp of champange, "enjoy some spirits & revelry with with your friends -- but no skanks! and no tricks you oddly well-dressed band of wandering imbeciles! I've spelled this abode, any escape attempt means certain death."
"you can stay, "she says to tom savini. "... you're like my maid of honor!" savini looks at the others in horror, and nods.
as the rest head down the hallway, singe says, "kenneth, budderick, and you others, if wed I must to an insane, horrifying, cackling bridge troll, then let us party like it is 1899! let us have it large!"
"well, there's lots of booze in the janitor's closet, "says kenny.
"no, "replies babu, "singe here has me suspicious. I already have the map here on my hand. let's check out those 40's."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 27, 2013 22:08:43 GMT -6
"Buddy, you get to the kitchen, get some dish soap, and try to get that damn ring off," Babu says testily. "The rest of us will look for those 40s."
As thy leave Buddy in the kitchen, MH says, "You seem stressed, Babu. What's up?"
"We don't have much time," Babu says. "Eventually my monkey healing factor's going to kick in and the map will be gone."
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Post by mh on Oct 27, 2013 23:25:16 GMT -6
"Look, "says babu, "it's fading even now."
singe squints at the map on babu's hairy palm, "odds botkins!" he exclaims. "I remember this -- an old cooling room on the ground floor! follow me."
several paces later, he pushes on an old stone indention & a door opens.
"this is the quickest way, "says singe. "btw, did I tell you about the last time the witch & I met? she cut my head off with a sythe! I didn't see that one coming! she appeared as she often had, and I was delighted for i was near senseless in drink, and enjoyed any opportunity to insult her cruelly. "old jerimiah singe," she called," this is your last chance! remove all drink from this house & wed me, or die you shall on this day." madam, I told her, "before I would stick my john thomas into you, i'd gladly stick an angry ferret up my backside!" then swoosh! -- no head! then to make a long story short, she buried my body in unconsecrated ground, then buried my head in another county, after she's filled my mouth with brambles and sewn it shut, also in unconsecrated ground -- she was mad! oop. here we are!"
singe pulls on an old candlestick holder on the wall & a chamber opens. the room inside is filled with stacked bottles on shelves. the m.a. members start to hoot & cheer.
"wait, "says Kenny, "these ain't 40 ouncers -- they're too small!"
singe picks one up, unscrews the cap, and takes a big gulp.
"these aren't 40 ounce bottles of ale, "says singe, "look at the label -- this is "Nurse McCready's Surgical Bruise Lotion"! it's not bad -- I enjoy it often. maybe the witch did you a favor."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 28, 2013 15:23:55 GMT -6
"Hey, this stuff at half bad," Kenny says after unscrewing the cap and taking a gulp from another bottle. " maybe you're right!"
"No! No! No!" Babu says. "We didn't come all this way for bruise tonic! Damn, it's times like this I wish we had a sorcerer on this team."
"So what do you suggest?" MH says.
"Jermiah here could probably sweet talk the witch into telling us where the 40s are," Babu says.
"Why on earth would I do that?" Singe asks.
"Unless you want to spends eternity banging that old hag, you'd better get to seducing the truth out of her if you want us to help you out," says Babu.
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Post by mh on Oct 28, 2013 22:26:33 GMT -6
"alright!" exclaims singe. "I may as well give it a chance. you folk are crafty -- after all, you ride the rails & live by your wits! if only you had a hobo girl with you that I could wed -- preferably a hot one -- then these horrible events could not unfold."
"wait, "cries babu, "I've got it! I know how to stop the marriage! singe, just get us the 40's. then our only problem will be how to avoid getting murdered by an angry 18th century witch -- sheesh."
within moments they arrive back where the witch has tom savini working on her vows with a legal pad.
"the next line should read, "she says, "do you promise not to copulate with some young widow, whether or not she owns her own ox? those words exactly!!"
savini looks exhausted.
"oh boy here we go, "says jeremiah singe lowly as he walks up and takes her hand, "hi sweetums!"
appearing even drunker than before, the witch runs, champagne bottle in hand, behind a pillar.
"now I've told you, "she says wagging a finger for singe to see, "no seeing me before the nuptials! did you have a good time pookey?"
"no, " singe replies, "I did not! -- you've been a naughty girl! tricking my groomsmen out of their ale -- "
she belts out a full on cackle. "I had too -- you don't understand dear, it's a witch thing! don't be mad at your widdle poo bear."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 29, 2013 7:01:40 GMT -6
The witch laughs girlishly. "I hid the 40s in the pantry. "Behind that cereal you all hate. I knew you'd never look there."
"Honey Bunches of Radishes," Babu says sourly. "Buddy blew the food budget on a whole crate of that stuff."
"It was on sale!" Buddy exclaims from the doorway.
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Post by mh on Oct 29, 2013 19:11:30 GMT -6
"now hand over the ring turnip-head," the witch says to buddy "and it better not still be stuck."
"it's not stuck anymore!" cries jeremiah singe. "you see, kenneth is ordained! he once sent $15 to an ad in the back of a magazine! and as of 10 minutes ago buderick & i are wed!! rather than being damned to an eternity of banging a bag of crusty bones, i entered into a loveless same sex marriage with a simpleton! this cloven-footed hellborn man-ape was my best man, and that other dolt was my witness! you've been beaten!!"
singe, kenny & buddy puts their arms up, palms upward, and moves them up and down.
"guys," asks babu, looking fearfully at the witch, 'what are you doing?"
"are you blind?!" replies singe. "why, once again we're raising the roof!! do you know nothing of your own centuries customs? go jer-dog, it's your birthday! go buderick, it's your birthday! go kenneth, it's your birthday! go cursed beast-man, ...."
the witch's eyes glow in blind rage, and she outstretches her arms. then she begins to chant and spin.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 30, 2013 14:59:11 GMT -6
Suddenly, everyone finds themselves lifted off their feet and spinning around the room as if caught in a tornado. "What the hell was that?" Babu yells. "We had a plan!"
"My apologies, my good man-ape," Jeremiah Singe yells over the winds. "I found myself caught in the moment."
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Post by mh on Oct 30, 2013 19:22:37 GMT -6
they're all slammed painfully into a wall, and as they rise the witch approaches with several obvious minions from hades behind her.
"okay sh-t heads," she croaks dryly, "no more screwing around. here's the deal, one of you yells, "i disavow this union" -- any one of you -- you all live, and the one who disavows gets his hearts desires. what about you mh? do you want money ... power ... taffy?"
mh, looking excited, takes a deep breath to yell & babu baboon quickly clamps his monkey-paw over his mouth.
mh: nigh nisanow nis nunion!
old witch: what?!
at that second someone steps out of the shadows who looks truly like death -- more horrible than the primaute house witch ever thought of looking.
she growls, "i'm taffy, the monkey alliance necromancer!! the baboon spoke of me, remember?"
"primaute house will never be dry and jeremiah singe will never be yours! and lay off mh -- that's my man b-tch!" the old witch takes a step back, looking a little like a bully who's run into a bigger bully, and the minions look uncertain. babu looks around and wonders where tom savini got off to.
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