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Post by mh on Jan 13, 2014 23:48:50 GMT -6
the mummy opens his mouth and begins to scream, and thousands of scarabs fly from his mouth and swarm degaton & the nazis.
"mein gott in himmel!!" yells curt flagen. "they're biting -- help me bobo!"
tony boloney, holding a huge bazooka type weapon with a cardboard sign on it saying "plaid crud-zooka", from outside the broken window yells, "hit the deck!", and kenny, kirk, desk-boy, 'the haint', and a dazed super-jesse duck for cover. tony fires, and the nazis are engulfed in a dense black cloud of soot & crud.
"wow," says tony, "that ain't zackly what I expected."
degaton & the nazis, covered in filth, run and jump into a waiting car with brunhilda behind the wheel.
"this isn't over!" cries degaton as the car roars away.
"hah!" yells angus mctavish. "nuthin' i love better than a good scrap! welcome to the malt liquer business, me buckos!"
later they are all at 'stately plaid manor' and kenny & buddy have fashioned a crude microbrewery out of kitchen & washing machine parts.
"these two are geniuses!" exclaims mctavish. "if only the count & sir kenny could be in my employ. i'd pay them anything!"
"that's not in the cards, "says desk-boy. "is the malt liquer ready?"
"yes," says mctavish, pouring glasses for them all.
the mummy really saved our bacon," says kirk.
"i don't think he meant to exactly, "says buddy, "i think he was sick from too much wild turkey. right pal?"
"un huh," says the mummy, as he guzzles down more wild turkey.
they all try the malt liquer, and everyone is quiet until kenny exclaims, "ambrosia!"
"indeed!" cries mctavish. "i never seen a beverage absorb so much hops in me whole life! it's like me esophagus has died & went to heaven!"
"this is -- dare I say it? heavenly." says desk-boy. "now. we need to find a way to track down those sauerkraut eaters, and get you guys back to where you belong."
'the haint' was on the phone with his secretary della.
"i think i can help you there, "he tells desk-boy. "apparently flagen has been sending me uh .. love letters."
over the phone he's holding, the others can hear della saying, "and this one says, "dear bobo, without you bath-time is no fun anymore ..."
"i don't want to hear anymore!" yells the haint, handing the phone to tony.
"so we have their address!" exclaims paul kirk.
"this should easy, "says desk-boy. "grab all the weapons you can find. mctavish, you stay here & brew."
after a few moments of discussion, the haint turns, and tony boloney is talking with della.
"yeah," says tony, "that poor guy sure is love-sick -- y'know, maybe you and i could .."
"hey haint," tony whispers with a hand over the phone, "has della got a big rear end?"
"enormous," replies the haint.
"yes!" exclaims tony boloney. |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 16, 2014 14:37:47 GMT -6
The group stops by the Haint's office to see the letters for themselves. "I don't see why this is necessary," the Haint says.
"We want to make sure there's nothing funny about the letters," Desk-boy says. "My supernatural powers should be able to weed it out."
They step through the office door and Della steps up from behind her desk. Tony's eyes grow wide and he lets out a gasp. "Her hiney's every bit as big and spectacular as you said, Haint!"
"I've got the letters you asked for, boss!" Della says eagerly as she gestures to the letters on her desk.
The Haint looks at the letters and says, "Dammit! The return address is a PO Box!"
"Aw Dang," Kenny mutters.
"Hold up. Not all is lost," Desk-boy says. He lays his hands on one of the letters and says, "I'm getting an image. Flagen sitting at a desk in an office in a warehouse. After he seals the envelope, he kisses the picture of you sitting on his desk."
"Aw jeez," the Haint groans.
"I hear the horns of freighters in the background. They're near the docks."
"Great! Lets go!" Paul Kirk says.
"You know, Flagen wasn't a bad looking guy without the mask, Desk-boy says. "You could do worse."
"He lacks the one quality I look for in a date," the Haint snaps. "A VA-GI-NA!!!"
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Post by mh on Jan 18, 2014 21:41:42 GMT -6
arriving at the docks, wielding their odd-looking weapons marked 'plaid-this or that', they follow deskboy, who's using his deamon senses to hone in on them.
"we should be able to destroy their whole operation," says paul kirk.
"we'll done be heroes," says kenny.
"we're already heroes, "says tony boloney.
"oh yeah, i forgotted for a minute, "replies kenny.
before leaving they'd used the 'plaid dead guy & mummy restorer' on the mummy, and now he sort of resembles zartan from g.i. joe
"aww, i lieked-ed him better before," says buddy.
putting his hand out to signal the others to stop, deskboy peeks around the corner, and spots 2 guys in suits, carrying tommy guns.
"that flagen is a strange one, "says on of them in a pronounced german accent. "always talking about that ghost-y masked hero with the hat."
"i guess you never had your heart broken, "says the other angrily.
deskboy looks at the mummy & nods, and the mummy leaps out, and putting out his hands, makes the two rise & slam together several times like symbols. then he drops his hands & they fall unconscious."
"that was easy, "says 'the haint'.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 20, 2014 12:37:42 GMT -6
"How should we do this?" says Tony Baloney?
"We don't want to just go in the front door," Desk-boy says.
"From the plans of this place, it appars to have a skylight," the Haint says.
"Then thats where we're headed," Paul Kirk says. He pulls out the Plaid grappling hook and aims. It shoots into the air, catching on the roof. He gives it a tug to make sure it's secure. "And away we go." He starts to climb, followed by the others.
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Post by mh on Jan 22, 2014 14:37:51 GMT -6
after reaching the top, they peer thru the sky light un-noticed.
"awww nuts," says deskboy, "the bird beak beside the blonde you guys fought with, that's 'der weiß adler' or 'the white eagle'! supreme commander of the nazi's 'eagle's nest'. this operation must be huge if he's here."
"you sure know yer nazis, "says the haint.
"got to," replies deskboy, "in a couple of years hell is going to be over-run with these guys!"
"what about the other girl, "asks kirk.
"that's his aide girda smidelapp, or so he believes," replies deskboy. "she's really patty swartz, a spy for U.S. intelligence! maybe she can lend us a hand."
"i'd rather she lent me those bazooms," sighs kirk lowly, bazooms being 1930's descriptive slang for dairy pillows. "that's real sweater-meat! hubba! hubba!"
"ummm," voices the mummy in agreement.
"well," buddy whispers to deskboy, "now we know being a skirt-chaser ain't done a side effect from the cloning process. poor mh done inherited-ed it."
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Post by mh on Jan 22, 2014 15:06:35 GMT -6
after a few moments the females leave and the white eagle is alone.
"if we could distract him," says deskboy, "we could slip into that entrance just past the skylight. my senses tell me that would be our safest bet. but if we run past this skylight, he's likely to see us."
"I got an idea!" says kenny. then he whispers something to super-jesse. suddenly S-J uses his heat vision to burn thru the white eagle's belt, and his pants fall down.
"mein trousers!" yells the white eagle, stumbling with his pants round his ankles, exposing his 'swastika undies' and sock garters. as he's bent over removing the pants, the group run past the skylight.
"guards! guards!" screams the white eagle.
"jeepers creepers, "says the haint, "he's spotted us."
but as the guards run in and the captain says, "yes, commander!?"
they hear the white eagle say as he hands the captain of the guard his pants, "take these out und have them shot!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 29, 2014 13:00:02 GMT -6
"Mein trousers haf betrayed me!" they hear the White Eagle say as they head for the entrance.
They open the door and head down the stairs. "Be on your guard," the Haint says.
hey suddenly hear familiar voices coming closer. "I miss mein dear Bobo," Curt Flagen says as Brunhilda lays a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "I could almost svear he is near."
"Love can be painful," the metal Nazi says.
The vents suddenly come on, blowing dust around the stairwell. Buddy lets out a sneeze. All three of the nazis turn in their dirction.
"We've been discovered!" Paul Kirk says.
"It's clobbering time!" SuperJesse says, flying forward and slammng into the Metal Nazi.
"I really hate this kid," the Metal Nazi groans.
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Post by mh on Feb 3, 2014 22:42:16 GMT -6
girda smidelapp, aka patty swartz, seeing her chance, slams into brunhilda & gives her a judo throw.
"vat in heck!" cries 'the white eagle'.
"i'm a U.S. agent!" cries patty, pulling a pistol. "and a unit of agents are surround the place at this very moment! it's over eagle!"
an aide rushes patty, and paul kirk smashes him with a discarded polo mallet.
"if they're going to fight idle playboys, do not leave these things laying around!" exclaims kirk. "jeepers," adds kirk, looking at patty Swartz, "i'd sure like to make a bunch of paul kirks inside'a her."
"oh you'll be a makin' a bunch of paul kirks alright," says kenny, "I done know ...."
"shuddup kenny!" cries deskboy.
as super-jesse is pounding the metal nazi, and the former mummy uses his powers to slam armed Nazi guards right & left as they enter, a figure appears & cracks 'the white eagle' across the jaw.
"the plaid terror!" exclaims 'the haint' who has curt flagen in a headlock.
"don't squeeze so tight bobo!" gasps flagan with a giggle. "i missed you too!"
"terror!" cries paul kirk. "you're back from tuscany!"
"yes!" exclaims the plaid terror. "as you know my friend, only tuscany has the correct lighting for me to paint my moody, partially clothed renderings of my youthful 27 y.o. ward 'kid argyle'! but it has been so overcast! argyle's tan is ruined."
just then, trim athletic 'kid argyle' crashes thru the door carrying a half dozen nazi guards with him.
"i'm so pissed!" cries 'kid argyle', scissor kicking a guard. "our trip was a unqualified disaster -- paul, you look great! are you using that new moisturizer I gave you? is that 'the haint'? (lowly) ... hubba! hubba!" |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 11, 2014 12:02:36 GMT -6
Super Jesse delivers a final right cross that leavess the Metal Nazi unconcious. "Nice going, kid!" the Haint says with a wink.
"You are vinking at him?" Flagen exclaims. "Iz zis some attempt to make me jealous, mein Bobo?"
Suddenly, Desk-boy spots a wide-eyed Degaton who had been coming up the stairs. Degaton quickly turns and runs in the other direction.
"Guys, come on!" Desk-boy says. He, Super Jesse, Kenny, Buddy and Tony hurry after Degaton, leaving the Haint, Paul Kirk, Patty Swartz, The Plaid Terror and Kid Argyle to deal with the remaining Nazis.
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Post by mh on Feb 12, 2014 18:00:16 GMT -6
super-jesse swoops down & snatches degaton.
"okay, okay, i surrender!" degaton screams. "listen! tell you what, send this super strong kid to destroy 'frugal' mctavish's brewery, gimme that formula, and we'll all be millionaires! look, you wouldn't meet me halfway, what was i supposed to do? and the nazis and the space aliens and all that, i was gunna betray them eventually. you know I would! the degaton's are nuthin' if they're not true blue americans. so help me! i know yer majesty the count and sir kenneth, you guys need the coin of the realm to continue yer exploring. c'mon, just throw a number at me!"
"can I just done pull his arms off?" asks super-jesse.
"ghaaaaa!!" screams degaton. |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 12, 2014 20:31:16 GMT -6
Degaton faints dead away at the threat of dismemberment. A surprised expression passes among them.
"He was the one what done had the the time machine," Kenny says. "What do we do now?"
"It's got to be in the building somewhere," Desk-boy says. "If we find it, it'll tell us what year baldy here came from. We drop him off and then get on with our business."
"Won't it done change history if we keep his time machine?" Buddy asks.
"This guy's dad worked for one of the guys in the time trust. He could probably build another time machine in his sleep," Desk-boy says. "Now lets go find it. The ex-mummy slings the unconscious Degaton over his shoulder and they head on their way.
"Hey, am I the only one that heard him say something about space aliens?" Tony asks. "What the hell was that about?"
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Post by mh on Feb 13, 2014 15:33:02 GMT -6
immediately some aliens transport before them.
"greetings earth boy!" exclaims their leader. "I am glork, and we are from the planet wurtjkrt in the rurtjkrt system! these nazis tricked us. with their uniforms and their marching and their haircuts -- how could they not be the good guys?! we had begun giving them superior technology -- the metal suit for example -- but we've taken it all back! they told us if you won the war, you'd force them to always walk backwards! we feel like such furlongs!
"does anyone need a ride forward in time?"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 16, 2014 19:59:49 GMT -6
"Actually, one backwards and two stops forward," Kenny says.
"Three trips?" Glork exclaims. "I can't help but feel like you're taking advantage here. Do you take us for a bunch of nurblatzes?"
"Hey, you're the ones who gave Nazis alien technology, you bug-eyed....!" Tony Baloney says.
"Easy, Tony," Desk-boy says. "Look, we'd make the trip ourselves, but we don't know where Degaton's time machine is."
"That's easy enough," Glork says. "It's in the basement. We can fix his machine so it will send him back to 1996 and then quit working. Then we will send the rest of you to your correct times."
"Thanks a lot!" Buddy says.
"No problem," Glork says. "We're reasonable wurtjkrt-ites."
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Post by mh on Feb 17, 2014 22:23:34 GMT -6
as they toss gary degaton into the time machine, he exclaims, "but I don't wanna go back to 1996!"
"no, you'' love it!" says deskboy. "what a year in film! twister, mars attacks!, jerry maguire! and evita starring madonna. ugg. did I mention twister?"
"i'll get you jerks!" exclaims degaton.
"well, we should just done send him to 7996!" says Kenny. "when rat people have done took over the earth!"
"nooooooo!!" screams gary degaton.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 19, 2014 7:38:29 GMT -6
The aliens take the group in their time/space ship while towing Degaton in his time machine behind them. Degaton is in the driver's seat where they have knocked him out.
The aliens' ship comes to a stop and Glork says, "here we are: 1996. Let's unhook and be on our way."
"Can't we stop off for stocks and lottery tickets?" Tony asks.
"No!" Glork says emphatically. "We can't do anything that will change the future!"
"Aw man," Tony sighs.
"Now lets go!" With that, the ship unhooks Degaton's Time Machine and disappears.
Degaton wakes up in the seat of his time machine with a start. "Wha... what? Dammit! They brought me back."
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a key. "Fools. I'll simply go back." He puts the key in the ignition and turns it.
*chug chug chug* *sckreek*
*chug chug chug* *skreek*
*chug chug chug* *skreek*
*chug chug chug* *skreek*
"Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!" Degaton screams, beating on the dashboard. "What did those bastards do to my time machine!"
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