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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 18, 2015 16:32:58 GMT -6
Looking through his red and green striped spyglass, Santa spots the giant lit-up Menorah. "It's worse than I thought," Santa says through gritted teeth. "Captain Hannukah's got the whole city of Justice brainwashed. He's really going to get it when I catch up to him."
"But Captain Hannukah isn't real," Jingle says pleadingly. "He's just some washed-up middle-aged actor named Brick Hudsonstein!"
"So you've discovered his secret identity! Good job, Jingle!" Santa says.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 20, 2015 18:23:10 GMT -6
"I missed Captain Hannukah last year," Santa says through gritted teeth. "But this year, his butt is mine!"
"Santa, have you been drinking?" Jingle asks nervously.
"I had a little egg nog," Santa says. "Why?"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 22, 2016 20:22:09 GMT -6
As Santa draws closer to Justice City he sees the glow of the giant Menorah atop the Mall of Justice. "That son of a bitch has gone too far," Santa curses. "Blast it, Rudolph!"
Santa flicks his whip, striking Rudolph in the hind quarters. The reindeer gives a yelp and a red ray streaks from his nose to hit the enormous menorah.
"What the hell was that?" Dakota exclaims hearing the crash.
She and Gil run out to see what has happened. "Omigod!" Gil cried seeing that the menorah has crashed through the wreckage of the middle shop. "Don's Discount Dickeys! My dad loved that place!"
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Post by mh on Dec 23, 2016 20:52:00 GMT -6
the next day, "don's discount dickeys" is having a fire sale. every dickey must go!
"well we've bought $5700.00 worth of dickeys!" says doc quartum. "nearly their entire stock -- they'll be delivered and put into the old monkey alliance's HQ's dickey-vault!"
"we have a dickey vault!?" cries babu.
doesn't everyone?" replies doc quartum.
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Post by mh on Dec 23, 2016 21:00:03 GMT -6
stressed, the money alliance members decide to wind down, and go to the movies.
"oh i so love the cin-e-ma!" exclaims babu.
the movie is, "sack lunch five: sack lunch one mo' time".
"i have to admit, "I wasn't a big fan of "sack lunch 4: tokyo drift," says babu.
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Post by mh on Dec 23, 2016 21:09:57 GMT -6
as the movie begins, "isn't dabney coleman dead?" whispers babu.
"no, he is not," exclaims mh. "but at 82 he is certainly the oldest detective on the force."
"the hookers still like him though," whispers doc quantum, munching his popcorn.
"yeah, that's part of the film's premise," says mh. "he's like a hooker magnet."
"but .. ," begins doc quantum, " how is he gunna get out of that sack?!!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 24, 2016 0:51:42 GMT -6
Meanwhile, in the same theater, a plain-clothed Santa and Jingle are watching the same movie. Santa has a jumbo sized soda and popcorn and is busy stuffing his face.
"Do we really have time for this, boss?" Jingle says anxiously. "Christmas is coming up soon!"
"Movies calm me," Santa says. "This whole Captain Hannukah thing really has me riled up."
"Really?" Jingle says "I hadn't noticed."
"Sarcasm isn't a good quality in elves," Santa says.
"Sorry," Jingle says. "But I really think we should be getting out of Justice City! I'm pretty sure what you did to that Menorah was a felony. Possibly even a hate crime!"
"Oh, I'm sure no one spotted us," Santa says.
"Hey, look! It's Santa!" a kid in the audience suddenly says.
"Aw jeez," Jingle says.
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Post by mh on Dec 25, 2016 13:28:40 GMT -6
"ghaaa! so soon,"says doc quantum. "listen uh, babu i got stuff to do -- i gotta go pluck chickens!"
"hey, that's what super-jesse used to ..." begins babu as doc runs off.
he bursts into an ol' timey phone-box, and seconds later, inexplicitly, a weird figure emerges.
"giddy up! i'm doctor festivus!" he exclaims. "santa! what do you have against brick hudsonstein -- aka, captain hanukah?"
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Post by mh on Dec 25, 2016 21:42:31 GMT -6
"he highjacked christmas!" exclaims santa. "besides, they digitally create new 'captain hanukah' episodes and he just does the voice! no one has seen him in years! that's just lazy."
mh walks in from the snack bar with a bearded guy, and he's putting away his cellphone.
"oy, what a yenta!" mh exclaims. "my wife -- just because i re-named her nephews herschel and shlomo."
"such nice names," says mh's companion hanukah harry.
"i'm so glad i ran into you mh, you're a real mensch for buying me this kosher popcorn! ... look! it's my old friend santa!"
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Post by mh on Dec 25, 2016 23:24:08 GMT -6
unnoticed, a few grimy drunken elves sneak in from the fire door.
"he's gotta be here!" whispers snowflake drunkenly, gulping clover beer from a dixie cup. "his sled is on the roof -- and he can't get enough of these stupid sack movies! the jerk. lemme tell 'ya getting stuck in a sack is no joke."
"sheesh," says the aging but still dashing brick hudsonstein who happens to be in the theater balcony, "i try to slip away for a film and some down time, and look what happens -- i gotta get into my suit."
"i got it here in my purse someplace brick!" says the recent and 7th mrs. hudsonstein, digging thru a bunch of snacks & crap in her massive bag. y'know, i'm starved. this place should put out a spread! something to nosh ..."
"what a yenta," mutters brick. "why'd i ever marry her?"
"here it is!" cries mrs. hudsonstein. then she notices santa and registers surprise.
"yow!" murmers brick. "now i remember."
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Post by mh on Dec 30, 2016 23:31:12 GMT -6
brick hudsonstein dives behind the theater curtains, and in seconds captain hanukah emerges and yells, "to jerusalem, and to infinity!"
then there's a brilliant flash, and he is gone.
"captain hanukah!" cries mh. "my idol! he used his talmudic powers to disappear!"
"actually, after dropping a flash grenade, him and the girly with the big hair ran out and took off in a cadillac escalade!" exclaims hanukah harry.
"drat." says santa.
several figures burst into the theater.
"where's that fool captain hanukah?" cries mister kwanzaa and his armed assistants.
"this is out of control!" cries santa.
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Post by mh on Dec 30, 2016 23:52:23 GMT -6
suddenly a well dressed bidness man leaps from his seat and rips open his shirt.
"merry ramadan everyone!" he cries.
"oh no ... super-ramadan man! i thought he was just a myth!" exclaims babu baboon. |
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Post by mh on Dec 31, 2016 0:28:31 GMT -6
"brick hudsonstein looked great, didn't he?" doc quartum, dressed as doc festivius, gushes to babu.
"yeah," says babu, "because he had on more #9 pancake than harley quinn! but he's got no powers -- he's a has-been actor married to a shrill-voiced woman with 'astronaut wife hair'! i'm less worried about santa than these other guys. they're after his scalp!"
"what can we do?" asks mh wandering up with hanukah harry.
"he's not completely powerless," says hannakah harry. "his cadillac escalade is armed with a dreidel cannon!"
 
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Post by mh on Dec 31, 2016 1:12:43 GMT -6
"listen, harry ..." says santa, wandering up.
"santa!" exclaims hanukah harry, and they embrace.
"jingle here has mentioned to me that captain hanukah isn't as despicable as i had originally assumed." says santa.
"i've been telling you for weeks!" exclaims jingle. he's a tv actor who's last non-captain hanukah role was an after-school special with ice-skating star dorothy hamill!"
"i never wanted to kill him -- i just wanted to banish him for a while." says santa. "someplace cold!"
"uuuu, how about florida?" asks jingle. "it gets pretty nippy this time of year. and he could do some dinner theater! yeah, that'd teach him a lesson." |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 31, 2016 21:10:26 GMT -6
"This is all so much," Santa says "I had better take another one of those stress pills Chilly gave me"
"You've been taking something Chilly gave you?" Jingle exclaims, slapping the pills out of Santa's hands.
Breaking from his Doctor Festivus character, Doc leans down and picks up the pills. "These aren't stress pills This is PCP."
"That explains why we blasted the chimneys on all those houses without wreaths," Jingle says
"We'd better get out of here," one of the seedy looking elves says.
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