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Post by mh on Jan 2, 2017 23:27:01 GMT -6
the elves begin to scamper for the door & hanukah harry pulls out a dradel that expands, and hurls it at them. spinning, it flattens them.
"good work hanukah harry!" exclaims santa.
"stop, you're embarrassing me!" repies hanakuh harry.
"okay, you got us!" says floppy, but you'll never get chilly fatboy! and you'll never guess our scheme."
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Post by mh on Jan 2, 2017 23:56:31 GMT -6
"don't worry santa, the monkey alliance will uncover their plans," says babu.
"don't make me laugh!" replies floppy.
"ohhh yyyyyeeahhhh!! says doc quantum/festivus, who along with his other powers, possesses the cross-examination skills of a turkish prison interrogator. "so short-stuff, you don't want to make toys anymore?"
"no dammit! no more toys!" cries floppy.
"but elves gotta make stuff!" says doc, "it's in you're dna! so you wanna make what instead? charm bracelets? paper weights? red licorice?"
"no!" cries floppy.
"chocolate covered bananas' on a stick? toe-socks? toaster-ovens? blood-thirsty human killin' androids? i can do this all day choochi!"
"no!!" floppy screams, starting to sweat.
"animal balloons? fortune cookies? porn?"
"yes porn!" cries floppy. "we hyp-mo-tized us some lingerie models using elfin magic! to make porn!"
"damn -- we have to find chilly!" cries babu.
"hoochy mama!" exclaims doc quantum/festivus.
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Post by mh on Jan 3, 2017 0:23:24 GMT -6
"we should contact super-jesse," says babu. "you know how he hates ther perno!"
"and ron jeremy."
"the hedgehog?!" cries hanakuh harry.
"yes, the hedgehog!" replies babu. "he owes us a favor."
"and if anyone on earth knows how to find a bunch of supermodels, hypnotized by elves to do porn, it's him."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 12, 2017 17:44:43 GMT -6
After a short ride, everyone arrives at Hedgehog manor. Having already met Ron Jeremy on an earlier adventure, security lets them through the gate.
After parking the Monkey Mobile, they walk up to the heavy oak door when they are presented with another problem....
"I'm not touching that knocker," Babu says.
"Do you think that's from a cast?" Hannakuh Harry asks. "If so, I think he might be one of the chosen people."
"Now I wish we had brought one of the interns," MH says.
"I dunno," Doc says. "If we made one of them work the knocker it might be considered harrassment."
"Wait, there's a button," Jingle says.
"Oh thank God," Santa sighs.
Jingle rings the button and a hoochie in a French maid's outfit answers the door. "Are you here to see ze fluffer position?" she asks Jingle.
"What? Is that like fluffing pillows or something?" Jingle asks nervously.
"Guys!" a voice calls out exuberantly from inside. Ron Jeremy, clad in a silk robe, comes down the stairs. "Long time no see! Come on in!"
"
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Post by mh on Jan 12, 2017 22:52:50 GMT -6
"this place sure is decadent!" says mh. "is that a sundae bar?"
"yes!" says ron Jeremy. "porn actors often need energy in a hurry."
babu explains the situation to ron.
"wait -- !!" cries ron jeremy. "santa is real? hanukah harry? this is crazy! hanukah harry, if you're real, what did you give me in 1962, on the 3rd day of hanukah?"
"chocolate coins!" exclaims hanukah harry.
"holy cats! that's right!" says ron jeremy.
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Post by mh on Jan 12, 2017 23:10:30 GMT -6
moments later, ron jeremy is on a laptop, using all his industry connections to track down the hyp-mo-tized lingerie models.
"i think i found it!" exclaims jeremy. "a group called 'elfin magic' has put out an industry blurb saying they are about to begin releasing the best in adult entertainment -- generally with an elf related theme."
"that's it!" cries babu. "where are they hedgehog?!"
"only about a couple miles from here." says ron jeremy. "on 5th and main. the old 'groin-pull studios'! it's been closed for years. i made one of my first films there -- 'hot homeroom teachers'! wow, that takes me back."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 13, 2017 21:58:22 GMT -6
"Wow!" MH exclaims "Hot Homeroom Teachers is the movie my hand lost its virginity to!" as Ron pulls the movie up on his laptop.
"You're looking kind of .... svelt, there," Doc says.
"Yes," Ron smiles. "It was the 70s. Didn't last long, though. I got my big dingus by wishing on a monkey's paw, so I was already looking fat and middle aged by the 80s."
"I can't believe this," Jingle says. "A week from Christmas and we're all standing in Ron Jeremy's living room looking at porn on his laptop. This is going to be the weirdest Christmas ever."
Ignoring Jingle, Santa points to the 'actress' and says, "I recognize her. She was on my naughty list A LOT!"
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Post by mh on Jan 16, 2017 3:02:48 GMT -6
in the course of research to get familiar with the layout of the studio, the monkey alliance, santa, hanukah harry, and jingle go thru the entire "hot homeroom teachers" trilogy.
היא לא הייתה לבושה לגמר"י!" (she ain't fully clothed) hanukah harry yells occasionally in hebrew.
"i don't think harry has ever seen a woman who wasn't wearing a shall, "mh whispers to babu.
"yeah, after the third film," says ron Jeremy, finishing his sundae. "in 1981 the studio tried to go mainstream by making a cheap "dead teenager" horror movie. they used the same sets and everything and called it 'haunted homeroom'! but it bombed. they locked their doors soon after."
"that sounds amazing!" says doc quantum. "we should watch it! it might give us more insight on how we should attack the studio."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 16, 2017 20:00:25 GMT -6
I don't get it. Why are you acting like you're preparing for a horror movie?" Ron Jeremy asks.
"Obviously, you're not familiar with what happens to Christmas elves without Santa's influence," Hanakah Harry says.
"It's always the virgin who gets killed last," MH says "We really should have brought Steve and Gil. Especially Gil."
They all turn to Santa. "Are you kidding?" he says. "I've been married for centuries!"
"And don't look at me," Hanukah Harry says. "I lost my virginity at 25 like all good Jewish boys..... well, except Ron."
"Yeah, I'd be killed before I even made it inside," Ron Jeremy says.
"That leave Jingle," Babu says.
"Why me?" Jingle says. "Because I'm a Christmas elf? Stereotype much?"
"Yeah.... Jingle had a bit of a troubled youth...," Santa says.
"Hey, Gil, I think your cell phone is ringing," Steve says as the two of them sit in the den of the Monkey Alliance Headquarters playing Call of Duty.
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Post by mh on Jan 16, 2017 21:22:12 GMT -6
much later, they reach the shock ending of 1981's "haunted homeroom", and gil is absolutely horrified.
"hah!" says ron jeremy. "no one ever expects the headless guidance councilor. i have to give them credit. if there had been more boobs ..."
"you can say that again!" exclaims steve. "this is from groin-pull studios! i expected lots of hot action."
"uhh, which ones the virgin again?" asks hanukah harry.
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Post by mh on Jan 16, 2017 22:11:24 GMT -6
meanwhile, at the old 'groin pull' studios, the now mutated elves have managed to abduct brick hudsonstein.
"brick hudsonstein!" cries chilly. "our star! yer gonna be the crown jewel of our porn empire! we start with, brick hudsonstein in, the blue-owl vs the big women!"
"hey, i'm in an ironclad binding contract!" exclaims brick. "99 years -- like england had on hong kong! i'm captain hanukah 'til i'm dead & buried and then some. and i won't wear this crappy 'blue-owl' costume! and get this fat chick away from me. I'm not into the big girls!"
"well yer gonna get into the big girls!" cries chilly.
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Post by mh on Jan 16, 2017 22:36:07 GMT -6
as the monkey alliance and their number fly toward 'groin pull' studios in the monkey-mobile babu says, "you know hanukah harry, at one point i wondered if you might be involved in this scheme to destroy christmas."
"me? no," says hanukah harry. "maybe my cousin. hanukah hershel."
"hanukah hershel?" asks babu.
"yes! he had a dream of destroying christmas & hanukah, and starting his own holiday. 'new hershel's day'!
"new hershel's day?" says babu.
"yes. for 3 months every year you'd celebrate 'new hershel's day'! and one day he'd leave a single piece of salt water taffy for one lucky little boy or girl to find! it all sounded pretty chintzy to me."
meanwhile back at 'groin pull' studios, hanukah hershel yells, "chilly, i told you never to call me hanukah hershel anymore! my new porn name is 'block bolten'! hanakah hershel is dead! but will become a myth where for three months every year a bunch of dumb kids search for a piece of salt water taffy!"
"i got a cool goy name now! 'block bolten'! the ladies will love it. how do you think brick hudsonstein gets all the shickas?!"
"shickas!?" cries the new mrs. hudsonstein, from a large pet cage.
"brick! you said you always kept kosher!" |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 19, 2017 19:14:43 GMT -6
"Why do we have to go in there?" Steve exclaimed as they all stood outside the headquarters of of Groin Pull Studios.
"Because without my influence, my elves are slowly turning into monsters," Santa says. "Only one pure of virtue... a virgin, if you will.... will be impervious to their magicks."
"Well, I think you've got the wrong dude," Steve says, laughing nervously. "I get all the ladies. You should send Gil here."
"Oh sure. Like all your 'ladies' in Canada and Florida?" Gil says. "I'm the one who has a real girlfriend!"
"Oh, you're so friendzoned with that chick it's pathetic!" Steve says. The two break into a sissy slap fight and end up rolling around on the ground.
"Are you sure these are our two virgin warriors?" Hanukah Harry asks the group.
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Post by mh on Mar 25, 2017 22:48:33 GMT -6
suddenly the phone on hanukah harry's sleigh rings.
"oy!" yells hanukah harry.
harry picks up the phone, "yes please?"
after he hangs up harry says, "bad news! the spirits of christmas have been angered! they say three must meet the ghost of christmas past!"
a door appears.
"oy!" cries hanukah harry.
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Post by mh on Mar 25, 2017 23:02:35 GMT -6
"doc quantum, mh and myself will go, "says babu.
"huh?" says doc & mh.
walking thru the door, the 3 heroes find themselves in nitespot full of men & women.
"this place is fulla club rats!" says doc quantum.
a frightening figure approaches them.
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