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Post by mh on Aug 10, 2017 8:28:23 GMT -6
2 young nerds and friends venture into the black hills west of justice city to uncover the mystery surrounding one of their missing girlfriends & her two companions. some believe their disappearance is connected to the legend of the 'bear witch'. who locals claim to have glimpsed skulking the dark edge of the forest wearing big red boots. two locals act as guides through the dark and winding woods. as the night wears on, a visit from a menacing presence soon makes them realize that the legend is all too real, and more sinister than they could have ever imagined ...
  
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Post by mh on Aug 10, 2017 8:58:58 GMT -6
a misty rain settles on the dark hills as steve & gill & their companions take cover under a huge mold-covered tree and assess their surroundings.
"what're we doing out here, gil?" asksd steve.
"we have to find heather & her friends! they've been missing almost a week."
"they're not missing!" exclaims steve, over the rainfall, "they went to cancun for spring break!"
"no they didn't!" cries gil. "they were taking a day excursion to look for evidence of 'the bear witch'! and heather and i were suppose to have a date on the next night before they & their friends were leaving for cancun -- i was taking her to the olive garden! they're lost in these woods, I know it."
"super-jesse combed the whole area," says steve, "there's nothing here."
"they must be here," exclaims gil, "and i've put together a team! I know i'll find them. where are my trailblazing locals?"
"i'm right here, hon," says gladys, looking at her compass.
"i'm soaked!" she exclaims. "frieda's behind me someplace. her corns are acting up! she's in her 80's after all." |
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Post by mh on Aug 10, 2017 9:13:49 GMT -6
"wow guys, this is great!" says tony boloney, dressed like a high school sophomore.
"i'm having a ball -- i'm so glad you invited me. you kids keep me young! it's good you didn't invite kenny & buddy. what a couple of squares! they're L seven!"
suddenly he notices gladys from 'gladys' sensible shoes' is wet & her clothes partially see-thru.
"woo woo woo!" he yells, which he considers his catchphrase.
"you couldn't handle it!" says gladys, putting on a windbreaker.
which other fabulous guests have joined this dangerous & arduous trek?
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Post by mh on Aug 12, 2017 6:03:58 GMT -6
gladys cell rings.
"jiminy -- I'm down to one bar! hello? frieda? what's that noise? you're on a bus?! don't worry about it hon, just take care of those corns! don't let the squirrels get us? haaaaaa! frieda you're a stitch! i'll see you at karaoke nite next week. bye hon."
"so we're down one local guide?" exclaims gil.
"oh don't have a fit, hon,"says gladys, "i know these woods backwards & forewards. me and my friends roamed them ragged from the time i was eight. we were practically the darned yaya sisterhood! freda's a great gal but she'd have just slowed us down. she sort of lost heart in the whole thing when she found out that horse's ass mh wasn't coming along."
"hey!" says steve, not liking to hear his m.a. mentor's names dragged thru the muck.
"yeah, "she's got it in her head mh stands for matt helm. she thinks he's just the bees knees! i told her, hon, he ain't dean martin under that mask."
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Post by mh on Aug 12, 2017 7:12:06 GMT -6
"gil, i had one of my hunches something was wrong that night," says steve, "so i swung by the olive garden on my way to 'justice city comics', and you were sitting alone and you'd drank a pitcher of pink mojitos and ate about 100 breadsticks! and your rum, heartbreak, & gluten addled brain concocted the idea that heather & her friends got lost in the woods or got grabbed by the bear-witch! there is no bear-witch! right gladys?"
"oh no hon, there is!" exclaims gladys. "why it's as real as you or me!"
"but you said you used to walk all thru these woods when you were eight!"
"during the hibernation months when it's safe! why any fool knows that," replies gladys.
"oookay," i'm going over there for a while," says steve numbly, and he heads toward the other members of gil's hand-chosen team. who are these fabulous guests who dare the mysterious & chilling dark woods?
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 23, 2017 18:30:12 GMT -6
Steve walks up to Dakota who is staanding a few feet away from a bunch of hipsters. "I can't believe Gil let you invite your improv group!"
"It's because he knows the rest of the town are skeptics like you," she says. "I told the group this is an outdoor performance. They think there's a hidden audience, so don't give it away!"
They watch as the hipsters improv exagerated movements of looking for the Bear Witch. Leading the group is Kip Van Der Sloot, owner of the Justice City Community Theater.
"Don't be discouraged, team! We'll find that dreaded Bear Witch soon enough!"
"You really think they can help?" Steve asks.
"They can't hurt," Dakota says. "Gil said get him a team. I got him a team.
"Hey, ccan I get your opinion on something?" she asks.
"Sure," Steve says.
Dakota reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture and shows it to him. "I've been working on costume ideas for when I'm finally done with my internship and I become a super hero. I was thinking of going all 90s bad girl style with the thigh high boots, french cut leotard, cleavage, tummy window.... oh, and a leather jacket with spikes. Cool, huh?"
"Uh... y-yeah," Steve gulps.
"Are you okay?" Dakota asks. "You're sweating a lot. You don't have a fever, do you?"
"I... I'm not sure," Steve says, wiping his brow.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 25, 2017 15:40:05 GMT -6
"You seem a lot more serious about this super hero business than the other interns," Steve says.
"I think most of them just see it as easy college credit," Dakota shrugs.
"So why are you here helping Gil instead of helping the MA with their current case?" Steve asks.
"Because it's Doctor Bum," Dakota says queasily.
"Yeah, I see what you mean," Steve says. "I mean, I usually think mad scientists are pretty cool..."
"But not one who's specialty is proctology!"
"Yeah,.." Steve says. "Those ass-themed death traps are the worst. "
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Post by mh on Oct 26, 2017 11:07:24 GMT -6
suddenly they hear a scream. "halp! milton got his head stuck in a hollow log! again."
"i'm starting to have doubts about my hand picked team," gil confesses to gladys.
meanwhile, babu baboon, mh and lothar burst into the old monkey alliance hq.
"oh that dr. bum was a wily one!" exclaims babu.
"ummm." grunts lothar.
"lucky a citizen noticed his personalized license plate in that hospital parking garage and alerted a security guard, or we might never have caught him," says mh.
"anyway we got him -- and his butt's gonna be put away for a long time. heh." says babu. "where's do quantum? oh right. poor docs gonna be walking funny for a while."
then doc limps in slowly muttering, "oww. oww. oww," and seeing one of kenny and buddy's malt liquer ice chests, opens the lid & sits down in it. "free rectal exam?" says doc. "i won't fall for that one again!" |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 27, 2017 20:07:44 GMT -6
Shortly, the Monkey Alliance have all settled down in the lounge, cracking open forties of Malt Liquer and trying to unwind. Suddenly, Peggy, Babu Baboon's personal assistant who has been with him forever, bursts in to kill the buzz.
"Babu... I mean, sir, the Police Commissioner just called. There's an emergency at the station.
"Arrgh! Damn it!" Babu says from his lazy boy where he is sitting slumped with his hand tucked halfway into the front of his trunks Al Bundy style. "Can't this wait? I just got comfortable."
"It sounded pretty urgent," Peggy says. "Something about your last case."
Doc Quantum lets out a loud sigh-groan as he raises up from Kenny and Buddy's cooler. Water pours down to the floor from his pants. "Well they'll have to wait long enough for me to get some dry trousers!" His shoes make loud squishing noises as he walks off.
"What do you mean you lost Doctor Bum!" Babu Baboon exclaims loudly.
"Now don't go getting all worked up," the police commissioner says, raising his hands appeasingly. "We just don't have the sort of resources for these big guns like Metropolis or Gotham.
It doesn't help that Mayor Bruce Campbell keeps funneling all the money into his 'emergency fund'... or as we call it, his booze and stripper fund. Heck, the Crimson Mullet managed to slip out of his cell three times the last time he was here. Luckily, his 'party in the back' kept getting caught in the front doors on the way out."
"Well, did he at least leave any clues?" Doc Quantum sighs.
"Oh yeah," the commissioner says. "He left you a note."
"He did? Lets see it!" MH says.
The Commissioner hands him the note and MH starts to read. "Dear fools, by now you have discovered your efforts to confine me were in vain. For like the gas within an irratable bowel,
I cannot be contained! Do not try to find me, for where I go, no man dare follow, lest he face the wrath of the claws of the damned."
"Claws of the damned?" MH says. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"It sounds familiar," Babu says.
"Doc snaps his fingers. "That was a line from that old fable about the Bear Witch!"
"Good lord!" Babu says. "He must have fled to the woods where the Bear Witch is supposed to dwell. Steve, Gil, Dakota and their team are out there and Doctor Bum is headed there!"
"Oh their poor, poor bottoms!" One of the officers moans.
"Take it easy, Larry," the commissioner says to the officer.
"Hey, why does this note smell funny?" MH says.
"Doctor Bum hid the note in Larry's ass somehow," the commissioner says. ".... he's still a little shook up about it."
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Post by mh on Apr 15, 2018 4:05:45 GMT -6
spying on gil and his hand picked group, is the sinister figure of dr bum!
"ha! i've escaped here to monkey rock! i've corn holed myself into a safe juncture. they'll never find me here!" he sez to himself. then with a scream, he slips and falls into a waterfall, and gets wedged into what would appear to be monkey rock's ass. the waterfall continues to pour out, nearly drowning him.
"dammit!" he cries. "what a joke on dr. bum! gulp! i'm wedged in monkey rock's ass!" |
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Post by mh on Apr 15, 2018 4:32:59 GMT -6
"well according to rumor," says tony boloney, after hearing about dr. bum, "cesar romero* used to like to stand in a pool of warm water up to his ankles, surrounded by male prostitutes! and they'd flick orange wedges at his ass!"
"that's only a vicious rumor!" cries gladys. "why romero was a famous latin lover!"
"maybe," says tony, "but the late adam west, g-d rest his soul, once said he occasionally saw young guys coming out of romero's dressing room on the 'batman' set, and into the men's room to wash up, complaining their hands were citrusy and sticky! which he found perplexing. and he said romero once froze and went glassy-eyed when he saw a delivered fruit basket full of clementines!"
"if batman said it, it must be true!" exclaims steve.
"hey! this ain't getting us any closer to heather!" says gil.
**a rumor from the gilbert gottfried podcast |
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Post by mh on Apr 15, 2018 4:51:16 GMT -6
"some say it was tangerines." says kip.
"oh, "and i found a girl's velvet scrunchie here." he adds.
gil grabs it & sniffs.
"that's hers!" he cries. "i know her scent as well as i'd know the scent of a 1980's comic book!"
"okay, I'm convinced," says steve. "anything heather ever touched, he sniffed! pervy yes, but she must have been here!"
"and they call me weird," says tony boloney.
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Post by mh on Apr 30, 2018 2:02:00 GMT -6
the bear witch project (2017), brought to you by ray's good liquors!
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Post by Babu Baboon on May 26, 2018 14:43:46 GMT -6
Dakota notices that Kip is looking stressed. "Is something wrong, KIp?" she asks.
"We need to move this thing along," he says in a loud whisper.
"Hey, don't get your panties in an uproar," Toney Baloney says. "We've got a clue now and a good one. Maybe if Steve and Gil call in their Monkey Alliance pals..."
"What? We don't need them," Steve says, puffing up and trying to look impressive for all the females present. "We can handle this!"
"No! No! No!" Kip squeals. "You do whatever you have to do to get this done! "My company is performing 'No, no, Nanette' and I've managed to snag Mike Terry for musical accompaniment. THE Mike Terry, by God! and I will not be made to look like a rank amature!"
"Not THE Mike Terry!" the assembled actors gasp.
Okay, Okay, I'll ccall," Steve groans.
"Mike Terry, wow," Dakota says. "A real live celebrity!"
"You work with the Monkey Alliance every day," Steve says.
"Yeah, but this is Mike Terry we're talking about!"
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Post by mh on May 27, 2018 1:55:58 GMT -6
babu, mh and doc quantum at that moment, hidden in the foliage & listening in.
"i too enjoy mike terry," rasps babu, frowning.
"me too," replies mh, frowing more. "i also like mike terry."
doc quantum wheezes and falls over.
...........................
This segment of the bear witch project (2017), was brought to you by mike terry limited!
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