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Post by mh on Dec 1, 2013 1:43:18 GMT -6
'the motel hell smalltown saga' featuring:
SanDeE*, amber, dakota, taffy, and skye
and farmer vincent and his sister ida.
a gripping and terrifying m.a. interns saga part 1
As is often the case, the m.a. interns are having lunch at their favorite all-meat restaurant, 'meaty mcgees'. with them is babu baboon, and they are enjoying meaty's lamb-apalooza celebration.
"this is so great, thank you babu!" exclaims dakota.
"you girls deserve it," replies babu wiping his mouth, "you work very hard. you've transcripted and cataloged so much monkey-house history, it's nearly unbelievable. when one day, they build the monkey alliance historic museum, a guest will be able to pull up & read a summertime dream or crazy joke, or a 'mr. sassy tassels' anytime they want! we'll live on for future generations. and the cash influx we're getting from 'farmer vincent' doesn't hurt. man, that's big meat money!"
amber giggles. "his sister ida can't take her eyes off you," she exclaims, and the other girls giggle too.
"okay, okay, that's enough," says babu, slightly flustered. "sandee, where's your friend penelope? wasn't she coming to lunch with us?"
"oh," says sandee, "she wanted to hang around the office. she's developed a little crush on farmer vincent, and hoped to see him alone."
"famer vincent?!" exclaims babu, almost choking on his lamb. "the guy is old enough to be her great grand pa!"
"I know," says taffy, "but he's very charming. he's sort of like george clooney. if clooney was in his 60's and wore bib overalls."
"i should get back over there, "says babu. "i don't want to lose our biggest sponsor because of some love struck 23 year old. tell 'spanky' to put this on my tab." and he gets up and hurries out. as he's headed to the m.a. offices, he runs into ida, farmer vincent's sister.
"oh babu, it's you!" she gushes. "you caught me! i have an assortment of cured meat i was going to sneak into your car. you must think i'm awful!"
'that's not my car, "says babu, "it's mrs. baboons. i drove it today."
"is it now," says ida, looking quite disturbed.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 2, 2013 12:32:55 GMT -6
Meanwhile, Farmer Vincent has dropped in at the Monkey Alliance Headquarters unexpectedly. Penelope brings him a cup of coffee while he waits for one of the members to arrive.
"If I had known there was going to be company, I would have fixed myself up a little more," Penelope giggles coquettishly.
"My dear, you look absolutely delicious," Farmer Vincent says. "Say, we have an opening over at Farmer Vincent's Smokehouse that needs filling. We could really use a girl like you How would you like to cme to Smaltown?."
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Post by mh on Dec 2, 2013 14:41:08 GMT -6
"suddenly ida bursts thru the door, "vincent," she exclaims, "we need to go! in my excitement to see babu .., I mean about our mutual business dealings, I forgot about certain situations at the farm. we really should get back there."
"okay ida, "don't panic, "says farmer vincent smiling.
"out at the tractor penelope says, "i've decided, i'll go! i'll get my things and be out there in the morning."
"that's wonderful!" says vincent. "i'm sure you'll find smalltown an unexpected experience."
babu, seeing this as he nears the mall, watches the tractor pull away and penelope waving mutters, "what in heck is that chicken fried casanova up to?"
overhearing him the interns walk up.
"penny is crazy about brad pitt, "says sandee. "she really has a thing for old guys."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 5, 2013 17:05:29 GMT -6
Two weeks later, the interns are sitting around the breakroom when Babu and MH walk in. "So how are things working out for Penelope at Farmer Vincent's?"
"I don't know," Taffy says.
"None of us have heard from her since she left for Smalltown," Dakota adds.
"Well, relocating is a big adjustment," Babu remarks.
"Yeah, but we've never gone this long without hearing from her," Sandee says.
"We're starting to get worried," Skye exclaims.
"Well, if it will make you feel any better, we can head out to Farmer Vincent's to see her," Babu says.
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Post by mh on Dec 6, 2013 14:23:11 GMT -6
strangely, smalltown doesn't appear on any online map. but peggy, babu's personal secretary, who has been with him for years, goes and digs thru a filing cabinet and come up with one.
"odd, says peggy," as she pours thru 'google earth' and every current atlas she can find. "it's almost as if the place doesn't exist."
"that's practically impossible, "says babu sounding puzzled. "i mean, it borders on 'lost springs'! and it at least show up on the maps."
"i wish I could come, "sighs peggy. "that farmer vincent exudes a craggy, leathery, manliness. not unlike the marlboro man! anyway, here! (slapping her keys on the desk) take my station wagon! you don't want to spoil the country charm of that town with that horrid, leaking monkey-mobile. and don't let mh sit beside taffy! that situation worries me."
moments later, the interns, babu, doc quantum, steve, and mh are headed toward smalltown.
"it's just as well drivaan and hairbutt are indisposed," says babu as he drives and sips a diet coke, "those guys are strict vegetarians. being in the vicinity of a meat processing plant would probably make them ill."
"i'm a vegetarian too, "says doc quantum, his mouth partially full.
"you're eating a bacon cheeseburger!" exclaims mh.
"yeah, "doc replies indignantly, "i'm having trouble balancing my protein! it's not like i'm enjoying it."
  
"we're getting close!" cries taffy excitedly, then begins attacking her second burger.
20 minutes later they run into smalltown.
"very quaint, "says doc, "like mayberry. sandee, why don't you try you friend's phone again."
sandee does and exclaims, "there's an answer! penelope? hi! we're in smalltown! we wanted to check on you. can you direct us?"
moments later they reach the 'motel hello', and penelope is standing there smiling happily to greet them.
"oh my gosh, "whispers dakota, "she's gained 30 lbs!"
"more like 40, "says skye.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 7, 2013 8:51:08 GMT -6
"Hey everybody!" Penelope says excitedly. "It's so great to see you!"
She notices everybody staring at her gut. "Oh... that. Well, Farmer Vincent made me his official taste tester. He's had me trying sausages, bacon, meat snack... all kinds of stuff."
"Don't taste testers normally spit the food out?" Babu asks.
"That's what I thought," Penelope says. "But Farmer Vincent told me he likes a girl who swallows."
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Post by mh on Dec 7, 2013 11:48:27 GMT -6
"i better not find out that my brother's been playing with his food, "mutters ida as she comes out, hurriedly primping her hair, "that skirt chasin' cannibalistic old mcdonald s.o.b. -- babu! why didn't you warn me you were coming? I must look a fright!"
"no ida, you look very nice as always," says babu, going slightly red, as he hears a couple of interns giggle.
"we just wanted to see how penelope has been getting on."
"oh fine!" croons ida. "she's the best taster we've ever had. vincent will be sorry he missed you. he's doing some hunting. putting out traps, that sort of thing."
"hunting what?" ask doc quantum.
"oh this & that, "replies ida coyly. "it takes all kinds of critters to make farmer vincent fritters!"
everyone laughs, except doc quantum & dakota, who exchange an odd look.
"i've got a little work to finish up, "says penelope, "but I won't be long. that sausage isn't going to eat itself!" and she heads inside.
"in the meantime, let me give you all the grand tour." says ida.
as everyone follows ida, taffy motioning to "come here" whispers, "guys," to mh & steve who are lagging behind. "hey, I want to check out that BBQ place across the street. come with me!"
"but taffy," says mh, "you just ate! and besides, porky's is farmer vincent's competitor. ida might not like us eating there."
"she doesn't have to know," whines taffy. "and who knows when i'll get a chance to try it again?"
steve rolls his eyes, knowing that when taffy starts to pout mh will cave. "that guy's a total pushover when it comes to the shorties," steve mutters to himself.
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Post by mh on Dec 8, 2013 2:41:28 GMT -6
"okay, okay, poke your lip back in," says mh. "I can't take it! we'll go."
"yaaaay!" says taffy, jumping up & down.
"but let's make it quick, "steve you be the lookout," adds mh, looking stressed, "if anything goes wrong we'll make like we got lost."
as they walk away steve says, "just be quick! honestly. that guy's too nice. the ladies can't play steve like that!"
"seconds later mh is talking to the counterman at the restaurant.
"gimme, the sampler, says mh. "and a couple of the .. pork beers. really? pork beer?"
"yep, "says the stout 60-ish counterman. "anything can be fermented. anything. and everything we serve is pork based! not like that farmer Vincent over there. he's always going on about his meat being "free range! where he comes up with it all i don't know. but vincent smokes meat better than any man alive! we'd never survive except "porky's" is a subsidiary of meaty McGee's, and they are intent on keeping this location open."
"meaty mcGee's?" exclaims taffy. "that's our place! me & my home-girls love meaty McGee's!"
a weird looking guy walks over. "if you folks is stayin' the night, you best look out for the smalltown saw-er! fella in a pig head with a big chain saw. might be a ghost! nobody knows." then his eyes get dull and he walks away.
"don't pay no mind to zeke, "says the counterman. "he ain't right. that'll be $17.50."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 13, 2013 19:31:57 GMT -6
Meanwhile, Babu, Doc Quantum, and the other interns are taking the tour of the plant with Ida. Lining the walkway are a row of gutted pigs hanging from hooks. Babu stumbles and catches himself by grabbing one of the pigs.
"Plastic?" Babu things to himself, feeling the pig. "Why would they have plastic pigs hanging from hooks in their plant?"
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Post by mh on Dec 14, 2013 2:53:27 GMT -6
as they leave and meet with steve, taffy says, "this BBQ is incredible!" as she gulps it down. "here, have some steve!"
mh, happy that they've managed to avoid being detected by ida, drains his pork beer in relief. "hey, not bad," he mutters.
babu manages to sneak away, and finds to his surprise that every pork hanging carcass is fake.
"hey can i have a bite of that BBQ, "mh asks taffy.
"ouu, sorry, "says taffy. "we ate it all. do you wanna lick my fingers?"
"yes i do," says mh, with a gleam in his eyes as he takes her by the wrist.
"mh!!" rasps babu in a muted tone of irritation, as he exits the pork plant.
"oh crap," says mh, and hands babu what's left of taffy's pork beer as he approaches.
"something's wrong here, "says babu, taking a drink. "all the swinging pork carcasses inside -- they're fakes! plastic. it's all just a front. and i haven't seen a single pig since we've been here."
"oh no, "says mh. "do you think they're shipping in illegal goat-meat here from portugal? or argentina? they're our biggest sponsors! the influx of cash we've gotten from 'farmer vincent' has brought the monkey alliance back from the brink."
"yes, "says babu, "i know all that. but we have to get to the bottom of it. hey what kind of beer is this? it's not bad."
"it's pork, "says taffy.
babu, just finishing the beer, makes a disgusted face.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 15, 2013 13:12:02 GMT -6
As they're talking, Farmer Vincent passes by in a truck "What're you folks doing out here? Ida gives a fine tour. You don't know what yer missing. Well, I gotta run. I'm taking this delivery of meet snacks to our distributor."
As he drives off, Babu says, "Looks like it's just going to be Ida. One of us needs to distract her while the rest of us have a look around.
Babu notices everyone looking at him. "What?"
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Post by mh on Dec 16, 2013 13:42:37 GMT -6
ida comes back, having snuck away long enough to make herself ravishing
"ida, you look so pretty," exclaims taffy. "doesn't she babu. "she adds coyly.
"uhhh, yeah .." says babu.
ida giggles into her hand. "babu, you're going to have me blushing with that kind of talk!"
"but it was taffy ..." begins babu lowly.
"now into the house everyone," ida exclaims happily, taking babu's arm, "i've set the dining room with tea and lady fingers! my special recipe. (and lowly to babu) and a little moonshine for us adults. i don't know where that steve and dakota got off to. maybe romance is in bloom!"
"huh?" says taffy.
"doc quantum and i are getting a weird vibe about this place," dakota says to steve as they walk thru an old barn. "he couldn't get away -- but he said he'll try to pop out when he's excused himself to the restroom. i'm a farm girl, and i don't see any livestock or feed anyplace."
"please tell me aren't staying overnite in this creepy place," says steve.
"we may have to." dakota replies.
"but it's my D&D nite!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 19, 2013 9:29:16 GMT -6
Steve and Dakota are walking around the farm when they hear a voice say, "What are you two doing snooping around my brother's farm?" They turn to see a man in a sheriff's uniform walking towards them. "My name's Bruce Smith. I'm the sheriff around these parts."
"My name's Dakota. This is Steve," Dakota says. "We work for the Monkey Alliance."
"That team Vincent's sponsoring, huh?" Sherriff Smith says.
What's that?" Steve says, pointing to a field where the crops, lined up symetrically, appear to be covered by canvas bags."
"Vincent says those are light sensitive crops," Sherriff Smith says. "Best not to disturb them."
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Post by mh on Dec 22, 2013 10:45:52 GMT -6
"you shouldn't be wandering out here alone away," says the sheriff, "it's not safe. vincent has traps set."
"traps?" exclaims dakota, as her and steve look around in fright. when they turn back the sheriff is gone.
"where'd he go?" asks steve.
elsewhere, mh and taffy have snuck away and are snooping in what appears to be a stable.
"i hope ida doesn't notice we're away. "says mh.
"she's so wrapped up in every word babu says, she'll never notice, "replies taffy. "that poor girl's got it bad."
"this place sure is creepy," begins mh, but then his next step triggers a trap, and a bail of hay swings down, knocking then into a shed, and the door slams shut behind them, locking.
"we're trapped," cries taffy, feeling the door. and it's so dark. eeek! i felt a hand!"
"sorry taffy that was me, "says mh sheepishly. "i was feeling for the light switch."
moments later babu, who had cleverly slipped away telling ida he needed to go to the can, is walking thru the same section of stable.
"i hope doc can keep ida entertained, "babu mutters, "he was really getting wound up on his theory about how once a suitable planet is found all cats should be tossed into shuttles and ..."
suddenly babu notices a furious banging. when he gets to the shed it's coming from, he takes a key off a peg beside the door and unlocks it. immediately taffy bursts out in a run.
confused, babu looks toward where she ran, and then at mh.
"what did you do?!" he exclaims.
"nothing ... gosh!" replies mh. "i triggered some trap & we got knocked in there! we were stuck in there close together a while. taffy must have run out because she's frightened and confused by the feelings she's having. poor girl!"
steve walks up. "taffy just ran by! she said something about needing to go 'number one'. when dakota heard that it made her need to go too. chicks, always needing to take a squirt."
back in the house as doc continues to explain his complex and humane cat mass-exodus theory, ida mutters to herself, "what's taking babu so long? he must be frightened and confused by the felings he's having. i swear, i've already put 3 pig's heads on the hood of his wife's car. why won't that woman take a hint?"
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Post by mh on Dec 27, 2013 15:11:07 GMT -6
"hey guys, whatchudoin'?" asks penelope, as she appears with dakota & taffy.
"i think you should come back with us penelope," says babu. "this place doesn't add up -- something screwy is going on."
"no way!" says penelope. "i never had it so good! and i'm registered at smalltown community college. i'm majoring in meat smokin'!"
taffy snickers, and whispers, "just like you did in school dakota."
"hey!" cries dakota.
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