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Post by mh on Jun 25, 2015 22:55:14 GMT -6
"the monkeyhouse paducah infinity", starring the monkey alliance kenny & buddy, and a host of your favorite interns and peripheral characters  
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Post by mh on Jul 23, 2015 22:27:13 GMT -6
in paducah, on a balmy spring day, babu baboon (the duke of puducah), mh, lothar and the interns are surveying the grounds of babu's new dukedom, placed in the serene and placid, rolling hills of paducah.
"this is beautiful!" exclaims dakota. "so much nicer than the old 'dukedom' ..."
"yes. sad they had to knock the old place down. but this is quite acceptable, "says babu. "somewhere to lay the royal head! i'm sure the family will be pleased."
"so you're moving here, babu?" asks lothar.
"no," replies babu. "i only have to reside in paducah 3 weeks out of the year to retain my title. it'll be a nice vacation for us!"
"a-w-e-s-o-m-e s-a-u-c-e ...!" exclaims skye.
gooch and primate phil of 'the monkey lords' approach, bowing to babu.
"we scoped out the perimeter and monkey lords are stationed around the grounds ... ah ... yer dukeship. it's clean. and there's a duck pond back there."
"a-w-e-s-o-m-e s-a-u-c-e ...!" exclaims amber.
"wonderful! as you were monkey lords." says babu, and they bow again, and take their leave, talking into walkies as they head for the security shack.
"come!" says babu. "we have a banquet table set up inside by the local 'meaty mcgees' -- featuring a local delicacy -- flathead catfish also known as mudsucker!"
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Post by mh on Jul 23, 2015 23:06:20 GMT -6
"i'm worried," dakota whispers to mh. "babu is acting strangely. and the monkey lords are like his royal guard! they cater to his every whim."
"yeah, they idolize us," says mh. "they were raised on our heroic tales. we're like g-ds who came down from olympus to them. they stare at us liek we're mirages."
"they're constantly snapping ol' timey poloroid cameras at you guys!" says skye. "it's creepy."
"mmm. yeah. primate phil sang 'a dream is a wish your heart makes' to me the other day, "sighs mh, "he was killing me softly with his song. it almost maid me cry! you'd never guess, but he has a lovely voice."
"and they beat up some guys in town," says amber.
"it was their own faults, "says mh. "those guys were wearing members only jackets! the monkey lords rightly assumed they were surrounded by the crimson mullets thugs and needed to fight their way out! at the sight of a member's only jacket they've been trained to attack at full force!"
"this is paducah!" says, amber, "everyone wears members only jackets! fashion-wise they're 25 years behind the times."
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Post by mh on Jul 23, 2015 23:24:20 GMT -6
"and they've been death on the meth labs!" says mh. "meth production in paducah is at a nationwide low. and we're getting all the credit! we're the toasts of mcCracken county! they're building statues to us!"
"and then there's the monkey lord interns. "says dakota.
"hold on! beep! beep! beep!" says mh, doing his classic 'truck backing up' noise.
"you girls have nothing to worry about there. sure, they're constantly coming onto us, and laugh like they're crazy at everything we say. but those girls couldn't transcribe a bazooka joe bubblegum wrapper!"
as they enter the mansion's dining hall, the monkey lord interns are sitting at a table staring dreamily at the monkey alliance members.
"oh boy ..." says skye.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Sept 21, 2015 17:56:39 GMT -6
Babu walk to the table with two Monkey Lords holding the edges of his cape to keep it from dragging the ground. "At ease," Babu tells them.
"You're really taking this duke stuff seriously," MH says as a waitress brings them a huge basket of chicken fries.
"Hell yeah," Babu says. "I'm going to milk this thing till someone tells these mouth breathers America isn't a monarchy."
"This doesn't sound like you," Amber says.
"The way I see it...," Babu says, grabbing a chicken fry, "... until I can get Mayor Bruce Campbell to let us use his beach house in Honalulu, this is the closest thing we're going to get to a vacation."
He looks over at the table with the Monkey Lord interns. One of them, sporting a Betty Page haircut and a leather jacket, runs her tonge over her upper lip as she looks at him lasciviously.
"Jesus Christ!" Babu exclaims. "Where the hell were those gals when I was in high school and as desperate to get laid as Pee Wee from the Porky's movies!"
"Well... waitaminnit," MH says. "You went to high school?"
"Of course I did," Babu says. "College, too."
"You... uh... you're a genetically enhanced super powered 6ft Baboon. Didn't your high school notice?"
"I told them I was an Armenian exchange student," Babu shrugs as he grabs another chicken fry.
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Post by mh on Sept 21, 2015 21:58:20 GMT -6
later, twilight begins to fall and quickly the babu mansion begins to empty out.
"that was fast! says babu, "these people go to bed with the chickens!"
"shhhh!" whispers mh, "we're in kentucky! they go to bed with lots of stuff!"
the monkey lords take up their guard towers & posts, and skye says, "guys, me and the girls are hittin' the hay! that "build-your-own" moonshine sundae bar has us spanked!" and the interns stagger upstairs to bed.
"g'night girls! g'nite taffy!" exclaims mh.
"delicious." says daddy quantum finishing his sundae.
"doc! how long have you been here?!" exclaims babu.
"since february!" cries doc quantum.
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Post by mh on Sept 21, 2015 22:19:19 GMT -6
"i had to oversee the building of you mansion -- i'm you're royal vizier!"
mh's mouth is full of 120 proof moonshine sundae, and some starts squirting out as he tries not to giggle.
"mh dammit," says babu sticking his finger in mh's face, "i know you got clone related chromosome damage that affects your cognition, but doc didn't say brassiere. he said vizier! calm down!"
as the seconds pass, everyone stares at mh, and slowly he mumbles between sundae, "mell, maimed me coul fin nim a nin mare of nuggs ..." (well, maybe we could find him a nice pair of jugs ...")
as it turns out the mayor's daughter was lying drunkenly on a sofa a few feet away and laughs uproariously at mh's witty jest.
"oh crap, let's get out of here," says babu.
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Post by mh on Sept 21, 2015 22:59:38 GMT -6
the duke (babu), mh, doc, lothar, neilencio and primate phil, acting as babu's bodyguard, leave the mansion and begin walking northwest.
"neilencio!" cries babu. "how long have you been here?"
"34 years," says neil.
"you know, it ain't quite dark, "says doc, pulling out a map," and there are many famous sights and mysteries to see in Paducah! the mcCracken county sink-hole grave yard! the hook-man of keiler park! the grass-man of paducah! the titty twister bar! known for it's strange occurrences!"
"the titty twister it is!" says babu. "for me paducah is like a time share! i need to unwind."
"i don't know if that a good idea my uh ... liege," says primate phil, sounding very concerned. "i ain't heard good things. hey, bennigans is still open! bennigan's is crazy time! they got ultimate nachos!"
"first the titty twister!" says babu. "i might want the ultimate nachos later."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Sept 24, 2015 20:57:25 GMT -6
To their horror, the Titty Twister turns out to be a fifth tier titty bar. A woman who looks like Honey Boo-Boo's mom is on center stage. A haggard looking woman is going from table to table saying "Da-a-a-nce? Anyone want a da-a-a-a-nce?"
"Ugh," Doc Quantum groans. "This place smells lile B.O. and despair."
"Glad I done brought plennty of ones," Kenny says.
"Kenny?" Babu exclaims. "How long have you been here?"
"I dunno," Kenny says, eyeing the dancer on the main stage. "It done feels like all my life."
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Post by mh on Sept 24, 2015 23:08:04 GMT -6
as a pregnant stripper wattles over suggestively to give the duke a lap dance, babu cries, "primate phil, get us out of here!"
a quick thinking phil throws a fiddy on the stage
and as the strippers fight over it they rush out.
as they travel north, continuing their fascinating tour of exotic paducah, 'primate phil' radios gooch.
"... an they could'a all got laid for fourteen bucks easy."
"you gotta remember, these are classy guys," says gooch.
"that's true what you say," replies 'primate phil'. "it's like they're out of a friggin' story book."
"where too now?" says a voice behind them.
"regis?!" how long have you been here?" exclaims babu.
"ever since i retired!" replies regis. "babu, i can't believe yer here! remember when you hosted my show for a week?" |
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Post by mh on Sept 24, 2015 23:28:46 GMT -6
"of course I remember, "says babu. the ratings were thru the roof! the skills i honed doing babu & you in the 90's certainly paid off. they begged me to take over the show after you croaked! er ... i mean retired."
kenny looks around, "is kelly done here?"
"strange you should ask, my kentucky gentleman, "replies regis, assuming kenny is a native, "she got roped into some sort of week-long bachelorette party and hasn't been seen since! the producers are worried sick, but want to avoid a scandal. after all, she may have just shacked up with a guy who works at a car wash! i lost a lot of co-hosts that way. and announcers! whew ... nobody likes 'rough trade' as much as announcers. "i'll tell you, those guys, they just can't get enough of it ..."
"okay!" cries babu. "we should probably poke around then." says babu. "just to make sure she's alright. but first lets have a few drinks at this laundrymat. i love paducah!"
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Post by mh on Sept 25, 2015 0:22:43 GMT -6
"they sure got a nice selection of malt liquer for a laundrymat, "says kenny.
"i can't believe they got 'country club," kenny continues. "the brand is done only still available in a few places."
"hey buddy, "got any quarters?" asks a guy trying to dry his poncho, and kenny gives him a few.
"babu, "says mh, drinking a 'king cobra', where do you reckon that hot little collagen injected show-pony kelly ripa got off to?"
"hard to say," muses babu. "maybe we'll pick up some clues around town."
"kelly ripa? oh i seen her today!" says a lady bleaching her whites.
at another table regis is drinking scotch and talking to a hunched over guy in an army jacket and a fat lady.
"yeah, them announcers," says regis, "whenever a rough guy all tatted up would show up delivering donuts or something to the station they'd be climbing the walls! they were all like that. except ed McMahon i guess. i guess he was straight."
"those guys like the rough stuff, huh?" asks the guy in the army jacket. "like gettin' slapped around a little bit?"
"like it?" cries regis, "they love it! they can't get enough of it!"
"dammit regis!" exclaims babu, " no more announcer talk! stop it!"
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Post by mh on Oct 7, 2015 0:28:20 GMT -6
and as their exciting trek thru exotic paducah continues, and they reach main street, suddenly it begins raining like crazy.
"quick! run to that out-door bistro slash outdoor boat show!" cries babu.
moments later, as they are sipping lattes, regis begins yelling to a family at a table across from them --
"and game show hosts ... !!
crazy about whores!!! every man-jack of them! it's as if a whore-humping virus crawled into all their brains!"
"regis dammit!" cried babu, over the sound of the rain. "wait ... didn't you host a game show for a while?"
"yes," says regis, lowering his head in shame.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 7, 2015 6:15:42 GMT -6
"Waitaminnit," Babu says. "My favorite talk show host, Craig Ferguson, quit his fantastic talk show to run a gameshow no one watches on the game show network, a channel no one watches. Do you think....?"
"Yep," Regis says. "He caught the whore bug. Now it's a toss-up which he loves more. Doctor Who or whores."
"Man..." Babu says, shaking his head woefully.
"Yep. He got himself exiled. Just like the rest of us. If I hadn't joined that whoremonger support group, the networks never would have let me back on talk shows!" Regis cackles.
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Post by mh on Oct 17, 2015 23:27:27 GMT -6
the next day the monkey alliance members wake up back at the dukedom, sprawled out in the breakfast nook.
"holy crap!" cries babu, "what a night! did we really see regis? how'd we get back here?"
"yes sir we did see regis," says daddy quatrum, laying on a futon.
"we promised him we'd search for kelly rippa!" says mh, hanging upside down, his knees locked into a chandelier, like a bat.
meanwhile downstairs, people are filing thru the "duke of paducah mansion tour", which skye is conducting. she points out a huge portrait on the wall.
"... and here you see the duke's great, great grandfather bolegarde baboon making his death defying charge thru enemy lines when the united states tried to invade kentucky!"
the visitor's gasp and snap photos.
"what the heck?!!" exclaims babu, overhearing.
"ah, "says doc, "we had to clean up yer background! it's no big deal. you know -- we had kentucky you up!"
"calm down babu, "says mh, hanging from the chandelier, "what else could we do to make you seem like a real kentuckyian? it ain't like you got any cousins you could make out with."
overhearing, the mayor's daughter still lying on a sofa only feet away, laughs uproariously.
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