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Post by mh on Mar 19, 2017 21:39:36 GMT -6
after a furious battle, the snake escapes into the depths of the lake, and mh swims backs and lays on a big rock gurgling.
"he's dispatched the snake!" says jason hemoglobin.
"but he's a lizard now!" cries doc quantum.
"he'll revert back, in time, "says hemoglobin.
babu dumps a bucket of holy water on mh, and he reverts back immediately, screaming.
"my costume! it's all wet!" cries mh. "and catholic-y."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 20, 2017 20:05:10 GMT -6
After fetching some towels out of the trunk for MH to sit on, the group continues on its way. "Now I'm cold," MH grumbles.
"What's that?" Doc says as they see a figure in the distance.
As they get closer," Babu squints and says, "Are you freaking kidding me?" as a look of recognition comes into his eyes.
"Okay, am I the only one starting to find her suspicious?"
"I done thought that before we ever got to Paducah!" Kenny says.
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Post by mh on Mar 21, 2017 13:34:18 GMT -6
"you're quite wise, Kenneth," says Jason hemoglobin.
"it's kenny!" cries kenny.
"she done a'shows up whenever dodo starts a'huppenin'!" says dr. tarnation. "she mus' got a deamon inside a'her."
"i have an idea!" says jason hemoglobin. then with some incantations, he makes a succession of of carnival cruise commercial appear before them.
kelly rippa mutters, "kathy lee ... those carnival cruise commercials should have been mine."
"that's how the demon got in!" exclaims jonah hex, "her jealousy over vicki lee!"
"it's kathy lee!" says mh. "i almost forgot what a honey she once was! sure her singing is mediocre. and what is she now, 80? i don't care! i should go ahead & make her kathy lee kirk! that babe makes kelly rippa look like alpo!"
"oh boy -- you shouldn't have said that!" exclaims regis. "when we were still filming, you couldn't even say the name kathy on the set without kelly freaking out! and we had three kathy's working there! nice girls. one was a grandma!"
kelly rippa rushes at mh, claws extended, and starts to scream.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 2, 2017 23:03:47 GMT -6
"Ripa's about to rip MH a new one!" Babu exclaims.
"My bullets aint doin' nothin'!" Hex growls.
"There's only one thing that can stop her!" Jason Hemoglobin says. "That which she fears the most!"
He mutters an incantation under his breath and Kathy Lee Griffin appears.
"It's Kathy Lee!" Babu says.
"And she looks rairin' to fight!" Doc says.
"She done reaks of wine," Kenny says, unable to tolerate the smell of anything other than malt liquer.
"It's go time, bitch," Kathy Lee says, shucking off her jacket.
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Post by mh on Mar 11, 2018 22:50:03 GMT -6
in middle-aged wine drunk can't-feel-pain cougar mode, kathy lee begins pounding the bejesus out of the bewitched Kelly rippa.
"get her katie!" cries mh, not even bothering to hide his spandex woody.
suddenly a spirit leaps from kelly rippa, and she drops like a stone.
"yes homos, it's me!" cries the spirit. "Yer old enemy hYpE! i died years ago! i was killed in a snuff film produced in cambodia! it was worth it. i got top billing!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 12, 2018 21:15:44 GMT -6
"We took care of you guys before," MH says. "And this time it's just you."
"Hah! I'm not the only member of the Big Sexy Clique to die a stupid and unnecessarily painful death since we faced you guys!!" hYpe says.
"I don't doubt that," Babu says.
hYpe snaps his fingers and more members of the Big Sexxy Clique start to appear.
"Yo, wassup," ~Iceman~ (the one on the right) says.
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Post by mh on Apr 2, 2018 1:29:08 GMT -6
"yo f-cktards!" says ~iceman~, "stand down!"
"do you really believe those crummy fake tans, and bad dye jobs can scare us off?" says babu.
"uh yeah!" replies ~iceman~. "we'll mess you guys up on social media!"
jonah hex cracks him across the head with his pistol, and the ghost of the ~iceman~ flops down like a dead mackerel.
"social media?" exclaims jonah hex. "like ol' timey newspapers, telegraph, and party line tellyphones & such?"
"i guess hex can attack other ghosts, "says doc quantum. but why is the iceman puking? for a ghost he's kind of a candyass."
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Post by mh on Jul 29, 2020 23:50:19 GMT -6
the clique slink away and the ghostly sprit of benjamin ford appears.
"it is i! the true duke of paducah!" he exclaims.
"well your reign has ended!" says babu.
"just wait until your gates have been sighed by the earl of bowling green and his hordes!" cries the duke. "then you'll rue the day you took up the green!"
"i'll send in mh with 1500 pikemen!"
"okay ... that's a good plan." mutters the duke.
"huh?" says mh. |
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Post by mh on Jul 30, 2020 0:02:20 GMT -6
"doc, do something!" mh says to daddy quantum as babu and the duke discuss battle tactics.
"okay, calm down," says doc. and reaching into his rucksack he pulls out the "mystery pendulum" from his classic amazing kreskin esp board game.
"it's on now," says doc.
"we're doomed!" says regis.
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Post by mh on Jul 30, 2020 0:20:16 GMT -6
"uhhh! i feel funny!" says the duke. as doc swings the pendulum.
"it's working!" cries doc.
"you boys has ruined everythin'" says the duke. "and even decimated out #1 cash crop!"
"tobacco?" asks babu.
"no meth!" cries the duke.
dr. wut n. tarnation says, "i sees muh chaince! no spirit can withstands ol' tarnation's batwing eye of newt bomb! eat this duke!"
"no tarnation, don't!" cries doc.
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Post by mh on Jul 30, 2020 0:43:38 GMT -6
the next morning, back at the dukedom the monkey alliance are breakfasting with the windows oddly shuttered.
"well, at least we solved the mystery and returned kelly rippa to normal. well ... as normal as she gets." sighs babu, eating his extremely rare steak.
"and now we can return to justice city -- and back to our regular humdrum lives."
"but we're all vampires!" cries mh. "tarnations bomb defeated the former duke, but somehow it crashed thru the duke's spirit realm and turned us all into the living dead! and seeing us the monkey-lord interns ran away in fright!"
"curse you tarnation."
"that horse's ass." mutters doc quantum. |
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Post by mh on Jul 30, 2020 0:54:21 GMT -6
"it'll probably wear off in a day or two." adds doc glumly.
"lets just bat up & fly back home," says babu. "maybe we'll wing by dr. tarnation's farm on the way and cover his truck in bat crap."
"that horse's ass." says doc quantum.
somehow the mayor's daughter has stayed unafraid and from a corner still laughs at the group's antics.
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Post by mh on Jul 30, 2020 1:23:01 GMT -6
meanwhile at a local diner, regis philbin (rip regis!), is chatting with locals.
"and local sportscaster, don't get me started! crazy about spankings! they like their women dumb and with big butts! they like the big love cushion."
"you sure about this mister?" asks a local.
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Post by mh on Aug 5, 2020 20:44:47 GMT -6
"monkey lords," says babu thru his fangs, "keep paducah free of meth!"
"yes my undead prince!" says gooch, bowing. "we won't fails yous guys .... i guess you'd done rip our throats out if we did, right?"
then the heros transform to bats & begin flyng out of paducah.
all the monkey lords gather round watching the sky in wonder.
"if i ain't had seen it gooch, i wouldt beleived it, "primate phil says to gooch, in tears.
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Post by mh on Aug 5, 2020 20:54:11 GMT -6
bat daddy quantum had a tiny apple ipod around his neck & activates it.
"that's quite appropriate doc! "says bat babu baboon. "let it be so."
THE END
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