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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 22, 2016 7:52:00 GMT -6
"You dang idgets ain't got no idea what you done!" Hex says.
"And what's that?" Babu says.
"Don't you get sassy with me, boy," Hex says. "I'll ram this here bayonnet..."
"He wants ta know whut's goin' on!" Tarnation exclaims.
"You done released the force this here house was containin'" Hex says. "Beezlebubba! The redneck arch-demon!"
"Now he and his hellish hillbilly hoardes are gonna take all a' Paducah!"
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Post by mh on Apr 22, 2016 20:41:51 GMT -6
"what are we gonna do?! what are we gonna do?! what are we gonna do?!" screams gilda over and over later at "the titty twister".
"why did you insist we come here anyway dr. tarnation?" asks babu.
"uh ... the spirits caint hears our plans here! yeah dats it -- I reckon." blurts or dr. tarnation as he lears at the ladies.
hey, why does jonah hex look -- kinda -- normal?"
under a painting of jonah hex killing yankees they see him smooching on a fat girl.
"i done it!" says tarnation, "we need him to hep fights th' yankees!"
"you mean demons," says doc quatrum.
"same thing," replies tarnation. |
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Post by mh on Apr 22, 2016 20:50:20 GMT -6
"what are we gonna do?!" scream gilda again.
"calm down sunshine," says regis. "look! kelly doesn't seems all that upset." they look onstage and kelly rippa is doing some dirty dancing.
"oh, c'mon!" exclaims babu in exasperation.
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Post by mh on Apr 22, 2016 21:20:31 GMT -6
suddenly from the shadows someone shoots her with a tranquilizer dart and she drops like a puppet with the strings cut.
"omg!" yells babu, then doctor spektor and his indian sidekick lakota approach.
"i can't believe it! doctor spektor!" exclaims doc quantrum in excitement.
"how long have you two been here?!" cries babu.
"since thursday!" exclaims dakota. "and do not worry says lakota, it was just a little frog toxin. the blonde was being a nuisance!"
"weren't you dancing earlier?" asks mh.
"yes," says lakota. "they offered me a job. i like to stay busy."
"doctor graves asked us to look in on you, "says spektor. "you're fine right? ... right?"
babu explains the situation.
with a shudder spektor replies, "but ... uh ... yeah ... but you've got this under control? i mean, i was planning on meeting doctor graves in acapulco for some wind surfing! i'd hate to disappoint him."
"oh spektor, "says lakota, rolling her eyes. |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 29, 2016 17:43:47 GMT -6
Twenty minutes later, they're all standing around the trunk of Doctor Spektor's car as he offers them tools from his demon hunting arsenal. "Lets see, I've got holy water super soakers, dog blood, sage, chalk for sketching out demon traps... Oh yeah, and you'll need these." He tosses them each a small bag with hoodoo herbs tied off in consecrated cloth,. "Hex bags. SO you don't get possessed. Keep them on you at all times."
"I already done made them hex bags," Dr. Tarnation says.
"No offense, but I'll feel a lot safer with these than bags you made out of old t-shirt scraps and super value herbs you got at Walmart," Babu says.
"Dagnabit," Tarnation grumbles. "Dang city slickers with their dang name brand hex bags."
"How do we beat Beelzebubba, though?" Doc asks Doctor Spektor.
"I'll defer to Dr. Tarnation on that," Doctor Spektor says politely.
"Beelzebubba is said to live in a single-wide on the fifth circle of hell," Doctor Tarnation says. "To get there, we've got to find the entrance to the devil's trailer park."
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Post by mh on Oct 22, 2016 22:04:43 GMT -6
the next day in the duke's mansion they prepare for the punishing feats they will likely have to perform.
"damn mh! that's a lot of holy water!" cries babu.
"hey, if for some reason we need to bathe ourselves in the stuff, i wanna be ready!" says mh, as he continues to fill the kiddy pool with the precious liquid, loaded in the back of his classic ford escort station wagon.
"hey! where's doc?" asks babu. "he's our supernatural expert."
"that quartum boy has taken this southern gentleman stuff to heart," says jonah hex, disgusted.
"yeah," says mh. "he won't get out of bed! he says he has a case of the terribles! or something like that."
"this october weather gives me the horribles!"
doc quartum cries to babu as he enters his room. doc is sipping southern comfort and water, and wearing a linen suit. "this flower is wilting!"
"you're not even southern!" exclaims babu.
"shut up! shut up! shut up!" cries doctor quartum.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 3, 2016 5:05:43 GMT -6
Jonah Hex walks in to Doc Quantum's room and kicks open the door. "We ain't got time for this!"
"I do declare," Doc Quantum says. "Can't a body get in some relaxation around here?"
"Give it up!" Hex says. "Ah already know yer Canadian!"
"But what about my drink?" Doc Quantum says.
"Bring it with you!" Doctor Tarnation says. "We don't pay all that much attention to open container laws 'round these parts."
They all pile into MH's station wagon and head back to the mysterious house. Babu clicks a special garage door opener that Kenny has rigged up for them.
"Funny... I don't rmember the inside looking like that the last time we were here," MH says.
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Post by mh on Nov 14, 2016 2:51:24 GMT -6
"yeah, we're gonna need some asbestos suits," says babu. "personally, i could survive the hear -- but i don't liek getting my fur singed!"
as babu goes on 'craigslist to get some discount asbestos suits, the others break out some clothes hangers and bags of marshmallows.
"luckily we come prepared!" exclaims doctor tarnation.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 22, 2016 11:13:41 GMT -6
It isn't long before a guy who looks sort of like Jed Clampet shows up carrying a large box. "You the boys lookin' to buy some aspestos suits?"
"That's us," Babu says.
'Jed' hands MH the box and he starts to look through it. "Wow. There's a bunch here," MH says. "How come you've got so many?"
"Well, my boy liked to get drunk on moonshine and shoot at propane tanks," 'Jed' says.
"Used to?" Babu says.
"Well, lets just say I won't be havin' to buy so many propane tanks," 'Jed' says wistfully.
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Post by mh on Nov 30, 2016 21:29:17 GMT -6
just then a sulfur blast erupts a figure walks from it.
"hello," he says. "i'm jason hemoglobin! our mutual friend deskboy asked to me to intercede."
"why didn't desk-boy come himself?" asks babu.
"he's riding the horse again!" exclaims Jason hemoglobin. "he's crushing up brimstone and snorting it up his nose! ... yeah, we all do it, " says Jason, eyeing the brimstone," but he's taking it way too far!"
now a video about hemoglobin!" says jason.
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Post by mh on Nov 30, 2016 21:36:48 GMT -6
"whew," babu says to mh, "yer a kirk. were all movies that boring in paul kirk's time?"
(it's a gif. wait for it.)
"it was all terrible -- except for the cool cars, lipstick, and complicated underwear, " replies mh.
"damn!" says jason hemoglobin after the film is over. "that still holds up! i guess yall understand now. what's left to ask? that should have won every academy award back in 1956. it was that good! it makes "gone with the wind", "titanic" and "avatar" look liek dog shit! but enough ... back to yer quest."
"boy, that was real nice!" says the creepy jed clampett guy.
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Post by mh on Jan 29, 2017 23:30:19 GMT -6
suddenly a serpent rises from the fires.
"you shall not pass!" it hisses.
"not another prophetic end-of-days snake!" says dr. tarnation. "I'm so sick of these things." |
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Post by mh on Jan 29, 2017 23:44:27 GMT -6
"what can we do tarnation?!" asks babu. "could super jesse ..."
"naw! one bite and even th' mightiest o' ya' superfolk will be turnt to snakefood! only it's natural enemy -- a big fightin' lizard has a chance again' that critter!"
"but where are we going to get a ..."
a fiddle starts playing a countryfied version of 'doin' the chameleon'.
"that's purdy zeke!" yells tarnation.
"no mh, don't do it!" cries babu.
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Post by mh on Jan 30, 2017 0:01:43 GMT -6
within moments mh has transformed into a reptile.
kenny pulls a cricket off a tree and feeds it to him.
"he's so cute!" says kenny patting him head. "baboon can we done keep him?"
"ghun hun hun hun." says mh, shaking around.
omg! is that the way he laughs now?" exclaims babu. |
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Post by mh on Jan 30, 2017 0:13:24 GMT -6
suddenly mh, spotting the snake snarls, and takes off across the lake of fire at him.
"his scales is protectin' him! " says tarnation, "git him boy! he's done pissed!"
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