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Post by mh on Feb 17, 2020 0:15:29 GMT -6
staring at mh horrified, this is what babu sees:
"... crazy old man dance ..." rasps babu. "gunna lure beach babes? i don't think so."
shaking it off he yells, "wait! at this point we need to find a savvy young guy who'll teach us old dogs new tricks!"
"say no more!" shrieks a young guy running up, "i'll stay in your hotel suite complete with hot tub, jacuzzi, and bidet! and i'll school you guys on picking up hardbodies! so we got a deal?"
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Post by mh on Feb 20, 2020 23:29:32 GMT -6
the 3 m.a. members stare at 'eugene' (according to the name stenciled on his fanny pack) in stunned silence.
suddenly he notices a girl leaving a room. "this is perfect!" he shrieks. "watch my stuff!"
"hey hot babe! how 'bout you & me drive up the coast tonite & steam up my mom's car's windows? whadda ya say?"
"drop dead creep!" she cries, and storms off.
"my luck," says eugene. "another lesbian! i mean, what other excuse could there be?"
"uhhh yeah, well we're gonna go it on our own," says doc quantum.
"your loss!" says eugene, waving them off dismissively, and getting on an elevator.
"we need more prep!" says mh.
"more preparation h?" queries doc quantum.
"no, more preparedness! i say we go downstairs to the lounge, drink ourselves sh-t faced, then play their perfectly maintained 1987 'hardbody' pinball machine until the crack of dawn! perhaps the silver balls will uncover clues that will allow us to lay our mitts on some of those tawny creatures!"
"mh, that sounds too crazy not to be right," says babu baboon, "let's go!"
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Post by mh on Feb 22, 2020 0:22:00 GMT -6
later, it's 2am and the trio have been downing 'alabama slammers' all night, a popular 80's cocktail, and shoving quarters into the 'hardbody' pinball machine.
"this isn't working!" says doc, "let's switch to b-52s, blue lagoons, or dirty bananas!"
suddenly a woman walks up, drinking a 'bartles & james' & says, "hey guys, can i get a turn?"
"omg, tawny kitaen!" exclaims mh.
"babu," whispers doc, "you said we'd meet some 'tawny creatures'. this is an omen!"
babu: "yes! and since we are following the trajectory of a movie, a celebrity guest-star proves we're on the right track!"
as tawny is bent over the pinball machine, focusing intently on working the flippers, it gives the three would-be girl chasers a good chance to stare at her ass.
"i'm totally gonna do her," rasps mh, drunkenly.
"well, she is a hardbody," says babu. "the woman has got as much plastic in her as a malibu barbie."
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Post by mh on Feb 22, 2020 1:08:42 GMT -6
babu, suddenly feeling pooped, sits and immediately nods off. then is awakened with a shake.
"ghhnn!" cries babu.
"oh sorry," says a lady wearing an 80's powersuit.
"those are your friends over there, right? well they're fighting over that woman who looks like a lion! one keeps feeling around in his pants for something called a 'bungi dagger', and the other has his hand on his forehead and says he's going to explode the other one's brain! you guys are in town looking for 'hardbodies', huh?"
babu: yeah. but it's not going to well so far.
lady: well good luck, and be careful.
she waves and leaves, and suddenly babu hears a shriek.
"ghhhh!!" cries mh, rolling around on the bar carpet his hands on his head.
"dammit doc!" cries babu running over, "did you explode his brain?!"
"no," says tawny kitaen, "he drank a frozen margarita too fast! he's got an eskimo pie migraine! we'd better go up to our rooms before somebody calls the cops!"
she waves & scampers off.
"oh, peaches! sassafras! " cries mh despondently from the carpet.
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Post by mh on Feb 22, 2020 1:27:29 GMT -6
taking the elevator up to their suite, doc says, "i guess meeting tawny was just a coincidence ... it seemed like we were onto something."
"wait!" says babu, "i talked to a lady in the bar! she was the stereotypical 'woman closer to my own age' who one of the heroes of these movies always meets! who tries to talk some sense into them, and who they ignore until they've almost ruined their health from trying to keep up with horny younger women. ha! let's hit the sack then go to the beach tomorrow. hardbodies await!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 27, 2020 0:20:03 GMT -6
When they get to their room, they are horrified to see Kenny and Buddy waiting for them. "Kenny?!! What the hell?... I mean, what took you so long?" Babu stammers.
"See, buddy?" Kenny says, slapping Buddy on the shoulder. "I done told you it was just a big misunderstanding. There's no way they woulda done left us behind!"
"Y-yeah," Doc says, "We wondered why you were so quiet on the ride over here."
"Yeah,"MH says. "I figured you must've been zonked out from one of your car sickness pills."
"I don't get car sick," Kenny laughs. "That's Gil. How the heck could you get me and Gil mixed up. We don't look nothin' alike!"
"Well, anyhoo, you're here now," Babu says as he opens the door to the room.
He walks over to the giant cooler they brought with them and cracks open another beer. "You're just in time for our second round of 80s college style binge drinking.
"Or as we call it back home,... Tuesday," MH says.
"Y'all's in luck!" Kenny says, holding up two moonshine jugs. "Since we done got left behind, we was there when Doctor Tarnation done delivered some o' his special brew!"
"Well, now it's a party!" Babu says, reaching for one of the jugs.
"Are you sure about that?" Doc Quantum says.
"Why not?" Babu says.
"Because when you mix liquor and beer you basically go apeshit. We don't need to get kicked out because you decided to drop trou in the lobby and scared everyone with your shiny red baboon ass."
"Plus, this stuff is from Doctor Tarnation. Who knows if it's safe," Doc says.
"It's safe. I done had it before," Kenny says.
"okay, but we're tying Babu to a chair if it looks like he's gonna go nuts," MH says.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 27, 2020 1:20:53 GMT -6
Babu raises up groggily as light pours in through the crack between the curtains. rope is coiled around his shoulders and when he looks around the room, he sees that every chair has been reduced to kindling.
"I .. I destroyed all the furniture?" Babu rasps.
"Yeah, apparently, our plan to try and tie a shitfaced super powered ape to a chair wasn't well thought out," Doc Quantum says.
Babu looks down in horror. "Gah! What the hell? It looks like I've never even heard of leg day!!"
"Thanks to Doctor Tarnation's special brew, we've all been in alcoholic comas for weeks. If it weren't for our crazy super hero bodies, we would have died of starvation or dehydration ages ago," Doc says.
"And no one came by to kick us out?"' MH says, raising up slowly.
"They had my American Express Black Card," Doc says.
"How the hell do you have a Black Card?" MH says.
"I'm in the Global Guardians, too," Doc says. "Doctor Mist gives all the members one. It helps me pay for the Quantum Cave."
"You have a Quantum Cave?"
"Yeah, and the Quantum Car, the Quantum Jet, the Quantum Copter, Otis the Quantum Hound, ..."
"You don't even use that stuff. You've been staying in Justice City! Meanwhile, we've been working out of a strip mall!" Babu says.
"Yeah, but my Doc Quantum robot doubles use it when I'm not there," Doc says.
"Jesus," Babu says. "How'd you wake up before us all, anyway."
"I'm canadian," Doc says. "the beer you yanks is like soda to me. That stuff Tarnation sent is a whole other matter." He points to the pile of newspapers that have been fed through the mail slot. "A lot of stuff has happened while we were out."
"Anybody hungry?" Kenny says "I done found a whole stash a' breakfast burritos at the Piggly Wiggly."
"How'd you survive without powers?" Babu says. "And what the hell are you wearing?"
"Ah grew up on suff like that," Kenny says. So me an' Buddy just done waited fer you to sleep it off. "I mostly just done walked around, checking out the local chubby scene. Gurls here is way too skinny."
"But the outfit."
"Fashion done took a weird turn," Kenny says.
"A disease broke out while we were asleep," Doc says, pointing to the newspapers. "The mayor tried to get the spring breakers to keep gatherings under a hundred and stay six feet apart. Naturally, they ignored him. It ran rampant and society kind of broke down in the state after that."
Babu looks out the window. "Aw jeez."
Babu staggers back after closing the curtains. "Howlong were we out?"
"Only a month and a half. "As soon as society breaks down, people break out the feathers and football gear," MH says.
Suddenly, a PA system hums to life. "People in the hotel..."
"There were no other heroes to deal with guys like this?" Babu groans.
"The only super heroes that come to the beach for spring break are Duff Man, Beer Can Superman, and the Coors Beer Wolf. And of the three of them, only Beer Can Superman is a barely functioning alcoholic. All this was too much for them."
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Post by mh on May 25, 2020 0:39:28 GMT -6
there's a crash outside, and they rush out to find beer-can superman passed out in the hall outside their door.
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Post by mh on May 25, 2020 1:02:29 GMT -6
"beer can superman!" cries babu baboon.
"yeah, it's done me, "rasps beer-can superman.
"quick, we got them social distancing corona idgits on ther run!"
beer can superman says, "these hot gurls have done showed up & are beating their fannies! I already dome made out with one!"
at JL-LGBGT Headquarters the members are watching with interest.
"we can't let the monkey alliance members go this alone!" exclaims quantum queen. "they've aided us in the past! attack!"
"them ain't hot gurls!" says babu peering out the window. "it's the JL-LGBGT! beer can --- you've been in quarantine way too long!" |
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Post by mh on Sept 17, 2020 0:56:01 GMT -6
"i sent messages asking for advice to our celebrity pals!" says doc quantum. "oh, here's a telegram slipped under our door now! there are still telegrams?"
"well that was rude!" says babu baboon. "that doesn't help at all!" |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 13, 2020 19:39:16 GMT -6
"We can't let the JL-LGBQT do all the work," Babu Baboon says. "We should get out there and join them."
"Are you kidding?" MH says. "Look at us! We'll get creamed!"
Babu Baboon steps through the hotel room door and out onto the balcony. "Alright, you....!"
Lord Humongous takes one look at him, brings his microphone to his facemask and says "You even lift, bro?"
"How dare you?!!" Babu bellows in outrage.
MH, Doc, and Kenny grab him as he gets ready to fly from the balcony. "Are you nuts?" Doc saays. "Have you looked in the mirror lately? You look like one of those skinny, long-limbed floppy velcro sock monkeys!"
"If only we done had some o' them emergency power-up packs I whupped for you fellers," Kenny says. "But I done left them at home because I aint reckoned you'd need 'em for a crazy mid-life crisis spring break weekend."
""Dammit, you're right," Babu curses. "How'd the JL-LGBQT know we needed rescuing, anyway?"
"I think I know!" Doc says, pointing past Lord Humongous's army at a group of girls clad in sexy road warrior outfits riding towards them on motorcycles. "It's the interns! Bless their bulemic hearts!"
"I'd bet my momma's double-wide that there's emergency packs in them there saddle bags," Kenny says.
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Post by mh on Nov 15, 2020 3:36:30 GMT -6
suddenly a grapping hook hits their balcony, and dakota (the smart one) scampers up, carrying a backpack.
"guys!" dakota exclaims, "things aren't going good! we came here when we heard the old 80's hardbodies location in hermosa beach, california, had been over-run with boogaloo boys !!
i brought emergency packs -- you have to hurry! skye broke her rake fighting them off, and taffy is in love with an antifa guy!"
"taffy!" cries mh. and he rips open an emergency pack from dakota's backpack, shoves some pills into a discarded room-service burrito, and scarfs them down.
ghaaaa!" he screams. then looking in the mirror, he starts to laugh.
"oh frick, he's gone nuts!" exclaims doc quantum.
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Post by mh on Nov 15, 2020 4:11:48 GMT -6
"mamu mamoon. you bad old puddy tat!!! (babu baboon, you bad old puddy cat!!!) ghaa haa haa haa haa haa." says mh, snorting.
"no, it's working like it's suppose to!" says babu baboon. babu gobbles some pills and ...."
"damn!" cries doc quartum. then he dumps some pills in a mimosa, and scarfs it down.
chortling, they all jump off the balcony.
dakota, finding a flat half full bottle of champagne, sits on the floor, takes a swig & says, "i guess im lucky they didn't kill me & eat me."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 15, 2020 23:01:02 GMT -6
"Why are they like that?" Dakota asks Kenny.
"You done given them the super special emergency pack!" Kenny says. "Them pills is like Cap'n Murica's super soldier formula times a' hunnert! Plus, they's all drained out, so they's bodies aint used to all that power. They's done having the mother of all roid rages!"
The two of them slowly creep towards the balcony and look over. "Oh God! I can't watch!" Dakota squeals.
"Bwah-Hah-Hah!" they hear Babu Baboon cackle maniacally. "MH, YOU CRAZY BASTARD! WHEN I SAID LETS RIP OFF THEIR HEADS AND SH*T DOWN THEIR NECKS, I DIDN"T MEAN IT LITERALLY!!!"
"NOW... *ugh*...NOW YOU TELL ME!!" MH bellows back in reply.
I think I'm done gonna throw up," Kenny says.
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Post by mh on Nov 18, 2020 1:52:50 GMT -6
"it not workin'! forgot ta tear heads uff first! hey ... TOME BACK!" shrieks mh.
"ghhhhaaa!!!" yells the doo doo covered oddly dressed, societal rejects as they retreat terrified to their vehicles.
"bwwhahaha!!" laughs doc quantum as he lifts several football gear clad gear heads with his mind and hurls them over a counter into a nearly destroyed baskin robbins.
several crawl out into the street covered in mint chocolate chip.
"so cold ..... so very very cold!!!" screams one pitifully.
babu cackles some more. then drops his britches and blast gallons of putrid foaming monkey piss at an attacking horde with the force of a dozen fire hoses.
"you only rent zima, i guess!" he bellows. "guh huh!"
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