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Post by mh on May 3, 2024 0:07:47 GMT -6
an fascinating tale of eco-horror and intrigue at the appalachian trail starring the monkey alliance, a beloved and somewhat tolerated group of interns, citizenry, mr. ballen, special guest-stars, hikers, rangers, trail angels, some other damn weirdos, and of course jane
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Post by Babu Baboon on May 7, 2024 4:14:55 GMT -6
When's this one gonna start? Stop with the teasing!
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Post by mh on May 7, 2024 23:12:33 GMT -6
When's this one gonna start? Stop with the teasing!
baboon, you hash house harrier hiking crazed fastard! it's on the way!
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Post by mh on May 7, 2024 23:32:51 GMT -6
two lone hikers clad in rugged and worn outdoor gear traverse the appalachian trail that encroaches the unspoiled creeks and grasslands north of justice city.
"mh," says babu, "we need to stay alert. the disappearances in this area have become more & more frequent. that is why governor ------ contacted us! in this roughly used hiking gear we can pass for two harried computer programmers jaunting out to the wilderness to escape their daily grind. and we can get to the bottom of this mystery."
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Post by mh on May 7, 2024 23:44:25 GMT -6
"why didn't doc come along?" asks mh.
babu: "you didn't notice how terrified the rangers at the station were?"
mh: "yeah they looked spooked. the female ranger asked me if we had weapons, and when i showed her my gun, she kissed me right on the mouth! damn. mrs. mh could learn a couple things from her."
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Post by mh on May 8, 2024 0:05:13 GMT -6
babu: "and that's why doc has your mauser. and you know how he is. he thinks there is a supernatural explanation to all this. so he's looking into it."
mh: "ha! that dildo. you know i'm missing work for this sh-t! i hope we'll be well compensated."
babu: "of course. anyway ... wait ... don't you still have any of the 200 and fiddy thousand dollars they gave you when we beat the salami monster last week?"
mh: "shut up, shut up, shut up!"
suddenly there's a rustle and a hiker come out of the trees. it's a 40-ish wine mom who by appearances, is out of a bad marriage, desperately trying to to find herself among the beauty of nature, and with the camaraderie of fellow hikers. she is also the "malt liquer-bot 5000" built by kenny and buddy to give babu & mh an occasional buzz, as well has much needed hiking calories.
"i an jane!" she says mono-tonally, "please insert girder!"
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Post by mh on May 8, 2024 0:30:47 GMT -6
"hi jane!" says mh waving.
"so ... she can turn creek water into malt liqueur?"
"apparently." says babu. "they made her out of a girder bending machine, and some of the old girder programming is still there."
hearing girder jane says, "i am jane! please insert girder!"
babu goes behind her a pushes a button on he backpack, and a spigot comes out. he fills his canteen and takes a swig.
"omg, natty daddy! thank u kenny & buddy! it's like an angel spit into my mouth!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on May 10, 2024 11:25:09 GMT -6
"This is probably not the best place to be drinking," a voice suddenly says.
Babu and MH turn in the direction of the voice and see a ranger stepping out of the woods
"why not?" MH says. It seems like the perfect spot."
"There have been a lot of disappearances in these parts lately," the ranger says. "Best to stay on your toes."
"Disappearances?" Babu asks.
"Hikers going missing," the Ranger says. "Naturally, when that happens, all the bigfoot talk starts up again.
"Bigfoot?" Baabu and MH exclaim simultaneously.
"OH, but I wouldn't pay any attention to that the ranger laughs nervously. He turns to Jane who has her stare fixed on him. "Ma'am?"
"I am Jane.... please insert girder," she says.
"Madam, I am a married man!" the ranger exclaims.
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Post by Babu Baboon on May 12, 2024 12:20:53 GMT -6
"I think Jane might have freaked out Ranger Rick," MH says after the ranger leaves.
"She freaks me out, too," Babu says. "I've been single a few years now. Whenever anybody refers to my girder, I get antsy."
"Well, I'm still married," MH says. "So I think it's just nice to have your girder acknowledged now and then."
The two of them continue to walk along the trail when MH's master tracking skills kick in. He sniffs the air and says, "Up ahead."
They come upon a large pile of droppings. "Scaat," he says.
"Do you think it belongs to Bigfoot?" Babu says.
"I don't think so," MH says. "Look next to it." He points to a comic book.
Babu picks it up. "Kelly Sue DeConnick's Captain Marvel. Eww! I touched it with my bare hand!"
"We're deaaling with something with absolutely no taste," MH says grimly.
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Post by mh on May 14, 2024 23:21:26 GMT -6
covering another half mile they run into a young female hiker who explodes from the wilderness into the trail.
"omg!" she exclaims. i'm so happy to see you guys!"
"what's wrong?" asks babu.
"i feel like i'm being stalked! for days now. my name's gretchen. i got off trail to get away from them. whoever. then got lost. but anytime i camped, even without a fire and in the darkest woods i could find, i heard them circling my tent! so after an hour or two of sleep i'd just break camp and run again."
"well you're safe now gretchen," says babu. "this is my fellow computer programmer friend mh. we are avid hikers. we have lots of food, bottled water, and hiking essentials. oh, and this is my plutonic friend jane."
feeling he should ad something to the conversation, mh whispers into her ear, "jane is hopelessly in love with him."
"i am jane. please insert girder." says jane.
"oh honey", gretchen says sadly putting an arm around jane, "never beg."
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Post by mh on May 15, 2024 0:39:30 GMT -6
as the sun is getting low, they decide to set up camp a ways off trail near a stream. after gratefully taking several energy bars and bottled water, zonked, gretchen sets up her tent for some much needed sleep.
"durn." says mh, looking toward her tent, "she's a sweetie, i wouldn't mind inserting my girder ..."
"dammit mh!" cries babu. "that's completely against hiker etiquette! look, we've built a nice fire, let's get some food on. and let's see what beer jane is offering now. i know that ranger says we shouldn't drink, but i just phoned 'fearless leader' and he said we should get completely hammered! and he is the expert in these hiking matters."
babu checks jane's backpack.
"omg, buddy's best!" cries mh. "it has to be cut with michelob just so it won't kill you! we're gonna get drunk as cooter brown!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on May 16, 2024 17:10:53 GMT -6
MH and Babu are each on their fifth Buddy's Best when a large pinecone bounces off of MH's head. "Whoa! This stuff really has a kick to it. I feel like something just hit me in the head!"
"Something did just hit you in the head," Babu says, pointing to the pinecone on the ground.
Suddenly, several more pinecones rain down. "What the hell?" Babu exclaims.
"Look at the trees!" Gretchen yelps, pointing upward.
They look up to see a crazy naked man with long matted hair and a long scraggly beard standing on a branch with a pinecone in his hand. "Humper doo!" he exclaims, throwing the pinecone.
"AAgh! Dammit!" MH curses as the pinecone nails him in the forehead.
"You had to see that coming," Babu says before getting hit in the back of the head with a pinecone.
"Humper Doo!" the hermit shouts, throwing more pinecones, jumping from branch to branch.
"OK, that's it!" Babu says, throwing an empty beer can.
MH follows suit and battle quickly ensues. The hermit throws pinecones as Baabu and MH continue to throw their empties. Gretchen shakes her head in dismay.
MH accidently grabs a full can and throws it in the hermit's direction. It tags him in the head and he gives an alarmed "Humper Doo!" as he falls out of the tree.
MH, Babu and Gretchen quickly race to the spot where it looks like he fell. When they get there, he is nowhere to be seen.
"Whaat the hell was that about?" MH exclaims.
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Post by mh on May 21, 2024 1:26:26 GMT -6
"if there's a group he's probably an advanced scout," says babu. "to check our strength. wait, what's this ... ?"
on a old oak tree carved deeply it reads:
"goeh awaey. goeh south. leafve theh gurl."
"omg, leave the girl!?" cries gretchen.
"i an jane. please insert girder." says jane.
"they don't mean you jane!" cries gretchen.
"don't worry gretchen," says babu, "there are a few hours of daylight left. we'll break camp and keep moving to the next checkpoint. there's a campgrounds. with people."
minutes later they are packed up and on trail.
"why do you guys have jane carrying that heavy backpack, apparently full of beer?"
"uuuuh, it's part of her training," says mh, "she's a former power lifter."
"i am jane ...," begins jane.
"okay jane, we get it!" cries gretchen.
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Post by mh on May 22, 2024 1:59:46 GMT -6
moments later they run into a ranger.
"hey folks, i'm ranger tammy aabergürd! are you having some difficulty?"
"yes!" cries gretchen, "we are being stalked by feral people!"
"that's unfortunate," says the ranger. "i'm 27 and have been the service most of my young life, and have never yet come across feral people."
then walking up to mh she says, "sugar man! SUGAR MAN!"
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Post by mh on May 22, 2024 2:29:09 GMT -6
"huh?" says mh.
"sorry, i'm a little keyed up." says ranger tammy.
"back at the station they call me crazy tammy," says crazy tammy.
she rares back and licks mh's nose and whispers,"i like you. i'm gunna hurt you."
"uhh, crazy tammy!" yells gretchen, "i saw some movement in the woods! it may be the feral people!"
"yall stay put!" cries crazy tammy and she scampers into the woods. and soon as she can't be seen anymore gretchen yells, "run!"
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