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Post by mh on Jan 23, 2014 23:42:37 GMT -6
the monkey alliance & the lost city of gold
a startling and provocative adventure starring the monkey alliance,
the monkey alliance interns, exciting new members, and several
beloved old favorites. and perhaps a gorgon!
on a balmy day in early march, we find doc le quantum (as he now refers to himself), digging underneath stately and seldom visited old monkeyhouse HQ with picks & shovels. with him is, williscorto and the huntress diana, new, yet fascinating members of the monkey alliance team.
"i know i'm new here, "says the huntress diana, "but do you think this is a good idea? defacing the old monkeyhouse HQ on the weight of some crap map you found at a swap meet?"
"this thing almost certainly dates back to the 1800's, "replies doc, "and the old monkey alliance headquarters is a fairly straight shot to the "lost city of gold" that is marked right here! i mean g-d -- 15 feet or so, and well be in close vicinity with untold riches! babu and the others will thank us!"
meanwhile, several feet above ground, the monkey alliance interns are digging thru the old "monkey alliance/cbr" flamewars files, abandoned for some 12 years or better.
"oh, this is rough stuff!" exclaims dakota, looking thru some files. "but it'll have to be transcribed. good thing we brought our jammies, food, and a change of clothes -- this'll be an all-nighter! or we might bunk up & go all weekend! it's amazing that the very earth itself survived such a conflict."
meanwhile, several feet above that, babu & mh have entered the old monkey alliance headquarters.
"what in the crap is going on?!" exclaims babu. "someone is apparently trying to tunnel underneath this place. alarms are going off like crazy at the new HQ! mh, i hope you loaded yer 1916 mauser."
"oh yes sir i did!" exclaims mh.
"my g-d, "gimme that pick!" yells the huntress diana to doc quantum, several feet down. "you dig like a girl!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 24, 2014 7:11:53 GMT -6
"Let's go see what's going on here," Babu says. As he starts to leave, he turns to Dakota and says, "How's the transcribing going with the flamewar stuff?"
"It would go a lot quicker if Amber wouldn't keep running out screaming," Dakota says.
"Well, keep up the good work. C'mon, MH, lets go."
"We've hit a wall of rock," Doc says. "The pick is barely making a dent."
"Stand back," the Huntress Diana says, drawing an explosive arrow from her quiver.
As Babu and MH walk up, they're hit with a shower of rock.
"What the hell?" Babu exclaims.
"Hey, there's another tunnel beyond the wall!" Doc says.
"Best be prepared, Williscorto says, drawing his sword.
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Post by mh on Jan 24, 2014 14:26:05 GMT -6
after a being appraised of the situation, babu says, "doc, i'm a little surprised at you. i'd expect this sort of thing from super-jesse. maybe mh. hairbutt too. definitely kenny & buddy ..."
"hey guys!" kenny yells as he & buddy burst in wearing lighted miner's hats.
"sorry we are done late," says buddy, "but we thought we seen the crimson mullet, so we chased him down. he kept a screamin' and runnin' -- kenny done hit him with a board! but it was just some guy
"oh great, another lawsuit, "says babu.
"no it was okay," says buddy. "he said he found kenny's naivety and his whimsical trucker's hat delightful, and that we was true primitives. kenny is a going to his place for bloody marys this weekend!"
"okay enough about that, "says doc le quantum. "okay yeah, i can understand your skepticism. this map was on a swap-meet table next to an old label maker ..."
"which you also bought!" exclaims the huntress.
doc pulls out the "label daddy", works it for a few seconds, then sticks a label on diana.
"blabber mouth?!" exclaims diana. "really!? you're labeling me a blabber mouth?"
she grabs it from his hand, makes a label herself, and sticks it on doc, who gasps.
"now that kind of language is uncalled for!"
suddenly down in the cavern they hear a low growl.
drawing his sword again williscorto whispers, "we are not alone. (and after sniffing the air) if i had to guess, i'd say gorgon."
"y'now says mh, "i always suspected there might be a gorgon under this place. 'cause whenever i'm here, one part of my anatomy keeps continually turning into stone! am i right?!"
mh puts up a hand for williscorto to give him a high five, but he just stares at him.
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Post by mh on Jan 26, 2014 16:21:27 GMT -6
as they enter the cavern, a ghostly figure appears before them.
"wooooo! what do you mean disturbing ..! oh crap, it's you guys!"
"jerimiah singe!" cry babu, mh, kenny and buddy, who met him on a previous adventure.
"hah!! in this case i have a tray of glasses full of fine cham-pain-yah for you all!" says singe. "and looking at the huntress, "and who is this intoxicating creature?"
"look, introductions later," exclaims babu. "what is this about?"
"ah," says jeremiah singe, "my one ghostly duty is to guard the entrance of this cavern! there are terrible dangers beneath! that's all i know. and you'll need a familiar to guide you."
"you?" asks babu.
"no, the delightful mrs. singe!" replies jeremiah, as she appears before them.
"no i have an engagement, "explains jeremiah singe. "a party! stinky has found his head again! kenneth and buderick, "you both remember lord uppington, affectionately known as stinky, don't you?"
kenny & buddy nod vigorously.
buddy looks at babu, "you'd never beleive a guy without a head could drink liek that."
"anyway," continues singe, "he's found his head for probably the 4th time this century! ain't no party like a stinky's found his head party! there'll be much revelry and debauchery! we'll be having it not large, but enormous!"
"remember sweetums," exclaims mrs. singe, "no skanks! you be a good boy, we're still newlyweds!"
"why of course not my pudding!" cries singe, shaking his head and looking offended. when she looks away he nods his head at the monkey alliance, as if to say, yes, there'll be skanks.
"kenneth & buderick," cries singe, 'would you like to come with?!"
they gasp, and kenny exclaims, "can we baboon?! we wanna done see stinky's head!"
"no, we might need you guys!" replies babu, as kenny and buddy pout.
"perhaps later, " cries singe, 'this could last for days!" then with a kiss to mrs. singe, and a leer and a wave at the huntress, he disappears.
"bye pookie!" yells mrs. singe. "now to business. if there's anything i love half as much as that psychotic, alchoholic blue-blood, it's questing! so come, let the questing begin."
"
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Post by mh on Jan 28, 2014 0:59:28 GMT -6
moving cautiously with their witch familiar mrs. singe leading them with a torch, they eventually come to a crossroad in the cavern.
"here you will have to split into 2 groups," says the witch.
"but we'd need another guide!" says sandee as the interns catch up from behind.
"listen, "you girls are suppose to be ..."
and babu trails off in surprise as another torch appears in the distance. as it draws closer, they see it's a strange looking man with a mustache.
"this is your second familiar, bixby snyder," says the witch.
looking the interns up & down, bixby wags a finger and says nodding, "i'd buy that for a dollar!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 29, 2014 15:35:16 GMT -6
Suddenly, they hear a rattling sound coming from the tunnel on the right. "What's that?" Babu asks.
"Oh, that?" Bixby says. "That's the gorgon."
"I knew it!" Williscorto says. "I knew there was a gorgon!"
"Well, if there's a gorgon in the right tunnel, then we should all take the left," Doc Quantum says.
"If you want to claim the prize at the end, someone's going to have to face the gorgon," Mrs Singe says.
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Post by mh on Jan 30, 2014 23:15:43 GMT -6
within moments, a plan is hatched. and babu and doc quantum are holding make-up mirrors that the interns graciously gave up, and the huntress & mh are walking backwards looking into the mirrors and brandishing their weapons backwards. buddy is lighting the way with one of the miners hats.
"how in heck can you shoot a bow backwards, "asks mh.
"it'll do a darn site better backwards than that pea-shooter you have, "says diana.
"that thing is what, 97 years old?"
"hey, don't question the mauser!" says mh, coloring with rage.
"concentrate you two!" says babu. "or we'll all end up a bunch of statues in the old monkey alliance entrance hall, alongside that giant bust of "the blue friggin' horse"!
"this is fun!" cackles the lovely mrs. singe.
meanwhile back in the other cavern, skye has had a wardrobe malfunction, and is adjusting her skirt.
"i'd buy that for a dollar!" says snyder.
"oh, bixby!" exclaim the interns.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 31, 2014 16:56:41 GMT -6
"I can't help wondering if some of us shouldn't have gone with the other group," Doc Quantum says. "I feel like we're sending the interns in over their heads."
"They've got Kenny and Williscorto with them," MH says.
"Yes, they should be able to hadle the mole men," Mrs Singe cackles.
"Mole men?" Babu Baboon exclaims.
Suddenly, the air fills with a rattling noise. Everyone has to fight the urge to turn in its direction.
Doc Quantom dissappears as a sword swooshes through the spot where he had been standing and then clangs against the stone wall of the tunnel.
The Huntress Diana fires a boxing glove arrow at the Gorgon and nails it in the face. That just seems to anger it. She has to dive out of the way to keep from being skewered by the Gorgon's sword.
MH fires his mauser and misses. THe bullet begins to bounce off the cavern walls. Everyone drops to the ground to avoid being hit. "Dammit, MH!" Babu snaps.
The bullet bounces off the wall again and then passes through the Gorgon's head. She drops to the floor with a thud.
"We did it!" Doc exclaims.
"Don't look at it. It's still dangerous," Babu warns.
"Maybe we should keep the head," MH says. "Y'know, like Harry Hamlin did in Clash of the Titans."
"How do we cut the head off?" Doc asks.
"We could use my chainsaw arrow," the Huntess Diana says.
"You have a chainsaw arrow?" MH exclaims.
"I don't mess around," the Huntress Diana says. Using the mirror to take aim, she fires her chainsaw arrow and severs the head from the neck.
Babu removes his cape, and looking away, he lifts the head by the snake hair and wraps it in a bundle. "We'd better hurry," he says, throwing the bundle over one shoulder. "I have a feeling the other group is going to need our help."
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Post by mh on Feb 4, 2014 0:38:18 GMT -6
"oh that's for certain," replies mrs. singe.
waving an arm, she casts dull light through-out the catacombs. "okay listen, here's what we're gonna do, "she says. "babu, you follow the brite orange line on the floor & get to your interns. they're going to need your help. sorry to leave you, but i need to go and check on my belove-ed jeremiah. yes, i know he agreed no skanks -- i love the guy, but he's a bit of a slut! you others, be on your guard! some spirit could appear as someone you trust! anyone! i will return -- seriously, i'm having a ball down here!"
with that she disappears & babu runs off, yelling behind him, "be careful!"
"okay," says doc quantum, "mh, huntress, buddy -- let's look around. there's nothing else to do ..."
suddenly a figure appears before doc. it's one of his most beloved childhood icons, jethro bodine.
"i'm hungry!" says jethro. "i sure would liek to have me some vittles!"
"jethro bodine!" gasps dr. le quantum. "how I've dreamed of this moment! and look -- he's got a napkin shoved in his collar. fantastic!"
meanwhile, kenny, generally unable to stay away from buddy for longer than 10 minutes had shown up.
"dang!" he exclaims, "i never done expected to meet such important-ed people down here!"
buddy goes over to mh, down the catacomb a ways, who looks dazed.
"mh, we all need yer help. we done got trouble over here, " begins buddy. "whut's done wrong?"
"taffy was just here!" says mh. "she said, you've heard of the mile-high club? how would you like to join the feet below club! my heart's racing like a rabbit! look, she's beckoning me ..."
but when buddy looks down the catacomb, he sees this
"mh, "says buddy, "i don't think that's done taffy."
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Post by mh on Feb 4, 2014 21:31:52 GMT -6
the huntress spotting a security camera station, unseen but still functioning for many years sees
"omg! it can't be!" she exclaims.
meanwhile, the mole men have been blasting at the interns with some futuristic ray. williscorto lies unconscious.
"we need one of those gurls!" cries bodraxx, their leader. "or our species will die out! get the blonde (pointing at dakota) -- the BIG one! she's gotta be at least 5'8" -- practically an amazon!"
"bodraxx sure likes his tall women," says blurg with a sigh. |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 5, 2014 16:17:26 GMT -6
Babu moves to join the fray and protect the interns from the molemen. Suddenly, a glazed look comes into his eyes.
"What's wrong?" Buddy asks. "Why're you stopping?"
"The Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol!" Babu says excitedly. "I knew ordering all those magazines and getting myself on every junk mail and spam list on earth was the right thing to do! Mrs. Baboon is going to have to eat her words now!"
Buddy looks where Babu is staring. "Um... are you sure that's the prize patrol?"
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Post by mh on Feb 5, 2014 17:09:01 GMT -6
"yeah it is, "says mh, "and look, that check! it's got baboon's name on it!"
mrs. singe had rounded the m.a. members up & brought then back to the scene of the mole man attack.
"but what about jethro," cries doc quantum, "he wanted some vittles!"
the huntress is in a state of shock, humming the old batman tv theme song.
"listen you, "says mrs singe, "i'm having a bad day! I found jeremiah with a pair of 17th century panties on his head! i told you to trust no one! how much plainer could i have made it?"
"where's babu baboon?" asks the older prize patrol guy. "don't he want his giant check? if he'd just sign his name, take these roses from my leggy co-host, and gimme the head of that gorgon, we could get on with this."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 6, 2014 17:51:01 GMT -6
Thinking quickly, Dakota grabs the make-up mirror Buddy is holding. She races up to Babu and aims it so the 'prize patrol' is reflected in the mirror. "Look!" she says anxiously.
Babu's eyes grow wide as he sees the monstrous figures reflected in the mirror. "Dammit! You made me think I was gonna be a millionaire! You guys just earned yourselves a can of whoop ass!"
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Post by mh on Feb 7, 2014 23:36:09 GMT -6
the three shriek & disappear.
"you must resist these changelings!" says mrs. singe. "they'll do anything to try and lure you to your doom, your deaths would give them greater power. and they want the gorgon's head. the most tempting prize in the catacombs."
williscorto walks up holding bodraxx, the mole-men leader, by the seat of the pants. as the interns walk up, bodraxx motions to dakota and says, "no! she's the most tempting prize in the catacombs!"
"awww, he's so cute," says taffy.
"quiet shrimp!" says bodraxx. and tossing a sack he was holding to dakota, he yells, "here high-pockets! there's some obedience collars and some bikinis in there! put on a collar & a bikini that fits! hop to it! yer coming with me, long tall sally!"
mrs. singe chuckles. "put the collar on him. the mole-men have fled for now, and they won't attack if you have their leader."
"girls?" says bixby synder holding up some bikinis. "it's a little warm down here, don't you think ... ?"
"oh bixby!" exclaim the interns.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 11, 2014 12:38:54 GMT -6
The group walks for a short while when Mrs. Singe suddenly stops and says, "For your next challenge, you must narfle the garthok!"
"We must what the what?" Babu exclaims. "Speak English!" The rest of the Monkey Alliance, Kenny, Buddy, and the interns murmur in agreement.
"Guys?" Doc Quantum suddenly says. "I think narfle means fight and that's the garthok!"
A low growl fills the air and everyone looks where Doc is pointing. They all gasp at the sight of a giant trollish figure with tusks, claws, and a large cone head.
The garthock moves forward and MH and the Huntress Diana shoot at it with their bullets and arrows. These just seem to annow it.
Williscorto tries to stab it and his sword clanks against its impervious hide. He narrowly misses being decapitated when the garthok swipes at him.
Babu baboon flies forward and delivers a right cross across its jaw. This actually seems to hurt it somewhat and the garthok swats him, sending him flying into the cavern wall.
"There's only one thing left to do," babu says. "Everyone cover your eyes!"
babu removes the gorgon's head from its bundle and holds it up by it's snake hair, doing his best not to look at it. The Garthok gives a cry of rage as its hands and feet are suddenly petrified. The effect moves up its arms and legs, then its torso, until its entire body is turned to stone. The stone garthok then begins to wobble, falls forward, and shatters into many pieces.
Babu quickly places the gorgon's head back into its bundle. "Okay, guys. You can look now."
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