the many spooks of doctor quantum!

"oh, doctor!" yells an attractive well dressed 40-something lady, running up, "you were marvelous! i could kiss you -- as a matter of fact i will!"

"ha! great!" mutters the director silently, rolling film.

"what th' heck?!" gilda snorts indignantly. 

"this is mrs. bumhaus, babu, "the owner of this estate." says doc.

babu nods knowingly, as many things in justice are endowed in the bumhaus" name.   

"how do you do," she exclaims happily. "and doctor, i told you to call me mabel! my late husband was a firm believer in the occult. he died only a few months ago at 92. oh, how i loved him. i gave up everything, even my career for that man. i was head waitress at hooters out on route 6! the haunting increased 150% after he passed. i wondered if his family had something to do with it. they've always hated me. doc, if you have noting to do, i was about to fire up the hot tub ...."

"cut!" says gilda.

"gilda! no one yells cut on my set but me!" says the director. "but anyway, let's set up the exit scene."

"this'll be fun!" says mabel bumhaus.

in moments, as filming begins again, doc is standing beside the 'M.G.o.D.Q' logo on the van, and walks over to his car, whips off his mirrored sun-glasses and looks into the camera with his most haunted expression.

"'the bumhaus estate, formerly the most haunted house in 'justice city', now clear of it's ghostly squatters! and now we move on to another spectral habitation. what horrors await us? find out next week. i am doctor quantum, and this has been, 'the many spooks of doctor quantum'!"

"beautiful," mutters the director, as doc puts on his shades, jumps into the citron, and speeds off. 

the camera pans to mrs. bumhaus on the steps of the mansion, who waves & yells, "thank's for de-hauntin' my crib, doctor quantum!"

"cut, perfect!" yells the director.

"what in the heck?" exclaims babu, as doc circles & drives back up.

just then, mrs. bumhaus is flung from the house, several feet, into the grass not far from the film crew, unharmed, but her dress severely hiked up from the fall. when everyone looks back toward the mansion steps they see this:

"ahhhh!" scream kenny & buddy, who had just recently left the van, and they jump back in.

"doctor quantum, "says baboon girl, "i guess that house wasn't 100% cleared out."

"oh doctor," says mabel bumhause, getting up & straightening herself. "be careful!"

doc blasts at the specter, but she flickers out & disappears. the re-appears.

"you'll have to do better than that bub!" says greta.

"walking up doctor quantum asks, "what's your problem? I just want to send you to a nice spooky cemetery. you'll like it!"  

"no i won't!" yells greta von bumhause. "that dame is gonna fill this joint with over-aged cocktail waitresses! she was in the hot-tub with a pizza boy the other day! jonas bumhause built this place for me, and i don't want that tootsie ruining it!"

"but ..." begins doc, but stops as a chunky guy exits the house.

"fatty arbuckle!" gasps doc.

"i appeared in fatty's last picture!" exclaims "greta. "it was called, 'pass the potatahs, ma!' i got great reviews!"

"and somthin' ain't strudel around here," says fatty. "we think mabel had something to do with jonas bumhause's death."

"what?!" exclaims doc quantum.   

"this is gold!" says doctor quantum. "i'm gonna call the station and see if we can bump this up to a 2 hr. special! everyone hold tight -- i'll be right back!"

as doc disappears into the remote van, babu & gilda enter the house, and babu calls to baboon girl, "sweetie, stay with kenny & buddy! they're terrified, try to calm them down."

her & the ghost hunting dog go over to the tree that kenny & buddy have crawled up into.

"look gilda," says babu as they enter the main room, "it's william .s. hart! he's one of mh's favorites!"

"howdy pard' ner. mam." says hart, taking off his hat.

"wow! and buster keaton, harold loyd, mary pickford ..." 

"i have no idea who any of these people are, "gilda whispers to babu.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ralph_Barton

"i guess I don't need this silly blessed bracelet anymore," says, babu, removing it. "the thing is really chafing my wrist."

"Babu, don't!" yells gilda.

"taffy is trying to hold what's left of my vital organs in place!" says mh. "me & two-thirds of the monkey alliance were murdered earlier today by a slaimoi monster! i'm just lucky i don't have my head up somebody's butt! so if you've come to kill me and wear my face like a mask -- which i assumed you'd get around to eventually, you've picked a perfect time!"

"move girly," gertrude says to taffy, "that's my job!"

then they notice babu flying around the building.

"mh help ...!!" he cries occasionally, until fatty takes over again.

painfully getting out of bed, mh says, "obviously babu's body has been taken over by the spirit of fatty arbuckle."

"how on earth do you know that, "asks gertrude.

"well, 'cause doc quantum just texted me," replies mh holding up his phone.

hitting some buttons on a wall control panel, mh says, "i've set th' trap we sometimes have to use on jesse when he's hopped up on skiddles. it's a nearly indestructible mesh net that'll snag him if he flies thru the window. with jesse, we can just shake a box of skiddles, then leave him in the net 'till he 'comes down'. but this'll be more tricky. wait, i got it! arbuckle is a bit of a perv. (looking toward taffy) if we could get a nice looking woman to lift her skirt to the knees, being a 1930's guy, he'd go crazy."

"i'll do it for you my poo bear!" cries gertrude. going near the window, she lifts her skirt & says, "hey big boy! get a load of these gams!"

"uggg," says babu/arbuckle as they fly past, making a face.      

a half hour or so later, mh lands the monkey-mobile on the bumhause estate lawn.

"unn," says mabel, "that's gunna kill the damn heliotropes!"

mh & gertrude degaton drag babu/arbuckle from the monkey-mobile, now quardruple wrapped in nearly indestructible mesh.

"okay, where's the honeys with the short skirts?" asks babu/arbuckle. 

"no deal!" cries mh, collapsing painfully on his back in the grass. "you broke yer bargain! you kept trying to get loose!"

"i just wanted one kiss!" cries babu/Arbuckle, causing taffy to run behind doctor quantum.

"listen chubby, i'm not that kind of girl!" exclaims gertrude degaton.

"not from you!" yells babu/arbuckle.

"if you get out of babu's body, i'll see if i can persuade one intern to slip into a mini," says mh.

"or that one!" cries fatty/babu, pointing to gilda, who's rubbing her fantastic 'ghetto onion', looking ashamed.

"how'd you get greta out of gilda's body?" mh asks doctor quantum from his resting place in the grass.

"i can't take credit, it was kenny, "says doc.

"i done stucked a squirrel in her pants!" says kenny. "i snucked up on him while a eatin' an acorn."

"that was done quick thinkin' pal, "says buddy.

"i feel so violated, "says gilda.

"so do i!!" cries greta from the house. "who does that to a lady? you pair of country-fried crumbs!"    

"hey, get outta my dad's body, "yells baboon girl walking up to babu/fatty, "it's not yours, he needs it!"

"okay kid. i'll do it for you, "says fatty.         

as they're outside, getting their ties tied, babu asks gertrude, "mh said you showed up at 'the mall of justice' in a 1950's fridgadaire, and said we're all in terrible danger. what did you mean?"

"daddy would be furious that i warned you, but i feel that I must, "exclaims gertrude degaton, "one of your enemies has set a supernatural trap for you! and it's here -- in this house. not even daddy knows which. he was happy you'd all die, but sad that he wasn't responsible. he can be a real prick sometimes! well usually. so i escaped in the defective tardis -- I mean the frigadaire, and came to warn you!"

"wow gertrude, that was quite a brave thing to do," says babu, adjusting his cummerbund.

"i've done all I can, "says gertrude pulling at her evening gown, "now it's up to you. doc is blinded by the 'glass teat' of television -- "

"i'm ready for my close-up mister demille!" yells doc. he's wearing a beautifully preserved 1960's blue seersucker suit from the estate of "doctor graves", that he'd bought from ebay and had over-nighted, as if some sixth sense told him the need would arise. and a signature 'doctor graves' red tie. for years it was rumored they were dyed with 'tiger's blood' to increase 'doctor graves' incredible shaman powers. 

"hubba! hubba!" gasps gilda, adjusting her stockings.

"dammit," cries mh. "doc used all the bronzing gel & no. 9 pancake! he looks just like david copperfield! there's none left for the rest of us! but I feel better. this cummerbund is really being therapeutic on my inards. ahhhhh." 

"I'm really going to need to be on my toes, "mutters babu.

they enter the foyer, and before entering a doctor quantum intern makes sure everyone is wearing a blessed bracelet.

as they go in, inside the doorway is deputy mayor alan sues with a big platter of peanut butter sandwiches.

"what's the deal with the sandwiches, "asks babu.

"to th-test everybody! we gotta make sure no mor-th sp-hooks get out!" sues shrieks.

mh grabs a sandwich & begins eating when he gets in.

"look! you can thruth emmmmm eith!!" shrieks sues. "he'th a peanut butter eater! no sp-hooks in him!"