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Post by mh on Nov 9, 2013 21:21:47 GMT -6
the last monkey alliance member on earth pt. 1
a frightening monkey-house adventure starring mh 
and a cast of many other major & minor monkey alliance characters
(based on an old m.a. stery)
mh, having been kicked out of the house once again, was staying at monkey alliance hq at the beautiful mall of justice. it was 9:30 a.m. and he was sitting in the breakfast nook, unshaven in his robe & eating some damn cheerios.
"well, I've officially hit rock bottom, "he says to babu baboon's life sized stand up card-board cutout of booster gold
i'm not even opening the durn metal mall gate," mh tells booster. he then spends several hours drinking 'cabo wabo anejo' tequila and playing snes golf, on a threesome with tom kite and fuzzy zoeller
"you guys are the best, "mh says to tom kite & fuzzy. "omg, is it dark already?"
after a few seconds he hears banging outside. mh cautiously peers out to the outside area, and sees a huge amount of disheveled people of all ages, banging on the metal gate & yelling, "mh come out! mh come out!"
"sweet fancy george romero!" shrieks mh. "what's going on?!" quickly, he clicks on the evening news, and there's stone phillips sitting there with a blue face and a desinagrating suit, repeating over & over, "mh come out! mh come out!"
"ghaaaaaa!!" he yells. "could it be? the monkey alliance and all humanity all gone? my 8 y.o. is on the euro space station for 5 months with several nannies & buzz aldrin, so she's safe. kenny & buddy are exploring the ancient lost underground malt liquor caverns of the incas. they might be okay. baboon was shingling his roof today. he might be alright. wait -- the interns were going down to the new-old archives below the mall this evening to ferret out some old "mr. sassy tassels" posts! and look -- they all clocked in! they're here! could i and the interns -- and taffy -- be the last humans left on earth?"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 10, 2013 9:38:30 GMT -6
Babu is retiling his roof when he looks down and sees disheveled looking people milling about the neighborhood, many moving towards his house. "Hmm, zombies?" he says.
Suddenly, his cell phone rings. "Yello?" he answers.
"Daddy?" says the voice from the other line. She only called hi daddy instead of dad anymore unless she wanted something or she was scared.
"Yes, sweety?"
"Can you see them from where you are?" she asks.
"Yes I can."
"They're moaning 'come out, Baboons'," she says. "Daddy, I'm scared!"
"Listen carefully," Babu says. "I want you and your mother to get to the saferoom. Lock yourselves in. I'm going to join the rest of the Monkey Alliance to see what's going on after I take care of this lot."
"Be careful, Daddy," Baboon Girl says.
"Don't worry about me. Just make sure you and your mother are safe. I love you, honey."
With that, Babu flies down, slamming into the crowd, spinning around the house like Superman spinning around the Earth in Superman I. He spins further and further out until he's flattened the entire lot. He takes to the sky and flies towards the Mall of Justice.
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Post by mh on Nov 10, 2013 15:27:31 GMT -6
down in the m.a. archives, mh finds all the interns. digging thru old 5.25 diskettes looking for any old lost "mr. sassy tassels" posts
after some chit-chat, not wanting to frighten them mh says, "hey gurls, don't be frightened, but there's some kind of terrible bird flu going around. it's really bad! so you might see a bunch of strange looking people outside banging on the doors and yelling -- for cold medicine! on the news it says to just lock yer doors and stay put for about a week so that you don't catch it. we can't open the doors or go out no matter what."
"that sounds a little far fetched," says dakota, the smart one.
mh, taking dakota aside whispers, "listen blondie, the truth is there's a bunch of flesh eating zombies surrounding this place, and some are possibly eating yer family, the guy that does their lawns, and every boy you ever made out with right now even as we speak! help me out here so they don't panic."
dakota looking extremely pale says, "ummm ... yeah. bird flu. terrible stuff."
"so gurls, "says mh, "we're going to have a week long monkeyhouse pajama party!"
the other four interns yell "yay!!!" and clap their hands. taffy jumps up & down.
(eyes at chest level)
"keep jumping taffy, "mh mutters to himself. "give poor mh the strength to go on."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 12, 2013 20:03:55 GMT -6
Babu Baboon is flying towards the Mall of Justice when he sees the zombies breaking through the metal gate into the mall. Just then, Doc Quantum teleports into the mall square and sees the crazed horde running towards him.
Babu swoops down and picks Doc up before the zombie horde can get to him. "What the hell?" Doc Quantum exclaims.
"They're everywhere," Babu says. "They were outside my house. My wife and kid are in our saferoom."
"I need to call home and make sure my wife's okay!" Doc exclaims. "Can we get inside headquarters?"
"We'll have to go through the secret tunnel," Babu says. "They've got us cut off from the main entrance." With that, they take to the woods near the mall where the secret entrance lay.
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Post by mh on Nov 12, 2013 21:24:24 GMT -6
minutes before, the interns were popping popcorn & watching divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood. they had all secured mix-matched pj's from the vast monkey-house walk-in closet. mh walked by taffy who was in the phone.
"yeah, and i want a family sized peperoni with ..."
"taffy, "asks mh, " ... whatcha doooin?"
"oh," she exclaims, "i'm ordering some pizzas, but the pizza guy just keeps saying, "mh, come out! mh, come out!" -- it's weird."
"we talked about this taffy," mh begins patiently, "we can't let anyone in because they want to eat our ... cold medicine."
"oh!" taffy exclaims & covers her mouth. "oops! wait -- i'll get some pizzas out of the freezer!" and she scampers off.
mh shakes his head bitterly. "she's lucky I need those child bearing hips to repopulate the planet."
there's a terrible tearing sound outside like metal ripping.
"my Thai food's here!!" cries amber.
"you ordered food too?!" exclaims mh. "jezus!"
unlocking the main exit door, mh sees several obvious corpses using their weight to rip down the iron gate. not infected living, but fresh & not so fresh corpses from the grave.
sticking his head back in, mh says with a big smile, "listen girls, i'm gonna give these people directions to the nearest walgreens where they can purchase some cold medicine! lock the door & pile anything heavy in front of it that u can find."
dakota looks at him, terrified.
"pop some more popcorn -- i'll be back in a jiff."
mh shuts the door & fires his 1916 mauser into the horde of living corpses.
"my god, there's too many of them ... ha-cha!" he throws a star into one of their heads.
taking out his bundi dagger, he mutters, "this is about to get messy."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 13, 2013 6:53:16 GMT -6
The interns let out a squeak of fright as Babu Baboon and Doc Quantum come up through the secret door in the floor. "Don't worry. It's just us," Babu says.
"You've got to help MH!" Dakota says. "MH is out there with those things!"
"What things?" Amber says. "You mean the flu victims?"
"Yeah, the ... uh... flu victims," Dakota says, winking at Babu.
"I'm on it," Babu says. He goes to the exit and shoves aside the furniture the girls have piled up. When he opens the gate, he sees MH fighting for his life.
babu Baboon pulls out a dog whistle and blows. Suddenly, two dogs with red capes fly down and start tearing into the zombies. One is a golden retriever and the other is a golden retriever/chow mix.
"What the hell?" MH says.
"they're Bandit and Bella, the Baboon hounds. Bella is the golden retriever. Bandit is the chow mix," babu says.
"You never said you had dog sidekicks," MH says.
"You never asked," Babu answers. "Now get in here. Before the zombies bite your ass off."
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Post by mh on Nov 13, 2013 8:32:51 GMT -6
babu, mh and the hounds quickly enter & lock the door. and begin barricading the door again.
"whew, i'm glad you guys showed up, "says mh, "I thought I was a goner."
amber looks over, looking puzzled.
"ah, ... yeah, "add mh quickly, "i'm terrible at directions! it's a good thing you had your cell phone."
amber smiles & goes back to watching ya ya sisterhood.
doc quantum was on the phone with his wife.
"she's okay, "doc quantum explains. "she's in some government sponsored underground anti-zombie foreclosure. along with the mayor and all of justice's most prominent citizens and practically the town's whole non-zombified population. no one seems to have any clue how this started. oh mh! your wife's there too. she sent you a text."
it reads: "i'm ok. thanks for asking. JERK."
"ouuu, "says mh. "in the excitement ...."
"wow, your gonna be in the doghouse, "exclaims babu. "assuming we and the earth survive this."
"I got bigger problems, "replies mh. then holds up his right hand to show babu & doc quantum a large bite-mark.
"if this spread thru zombie spit, my manhunter healing factor may slow it down, but chances are it won't stop it."
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Post by Doc Quantum on Nov 13, 2013 13:09:08 GMT -6
While MH was speaking, a buzzing sounds seems to emanate within Doc's brain as the tension builds and builds. Finally, he speaks.
Doc: "I've read every issue of The Walking Dead and seen every episode of the TV series. By my books, that makes me an expert."
Babu: "Do you have some ideas, Doc?"
Doc: "Listen up. First, MH, that right hand of yours has got to go. If your healing factor is working, it'll be put to better use growing a new hand, if that's possible, than trying to fight off a highly contagious virus."
MH: "But... but..."
Doc: "Second, we may be the last monkey alliance members on earth, people, so go grab one of the interns and start repopulating the earth!"
Babu: "But, Doc, we just confirmed that our families are safe underg--"
Doc: "Third, we've got to man up! We're not just some simpering survivors of a post-nuclear world, here -- we're the g*d*mn Monkey Alliance! Let's act like it and mow down every one of those #*%&suckers out there before they infect anyone else!"
There's a popping sound, and suddenly a duplicate Doc Quantum appears.
Doc II: "No, no, no! Don't listen to me, guys! I'm just talking crazy!"
Doc I: "I am?"
Doc II: "Yes, you idiot. Clearly, those... things -- zombies, or The Walking Dead™ or whatever they're called -- haven't necessarily taken over the whole world. It's probably something local to Justice. We should use our resources to find out what's behind it and see what we can do to stop it spreading!"
MH: "Does my hand still have to come off?"
Doc II: "Uh... yeah. Sorry, dude. And, Doc? Would you mind stepping back in time a few seconds and telling us everything I just said?"
Doc I: "Huh? Oh, I guess so. I guess I could do that. Seems kind of redundant, though."
Doc II: "Time travel isn't all fancy cars and loose women, me boyo!"
Doc I: "Uh... right. OK, well, I'm off."
Doc II: "WAIT! You can't go back in time like that!"
Doc I: "Why? What's wrong?"
Doc II: "It's your sense of urgency, me boyo! You don't have one!"
Doc I: "Hmm... I did a moment ago, but you scared it out of me!"
Doc II: "Well, just do what I did before I jumped back in time -- pop outside for a moment to check on the situation, then pop back in time back here and give us the warning!"
Doc I: "All right. If you insist..."
POP!
The phantom Doc Quantum stands there a few more moments, looking at his watch and tapping his foot impatiently. Finally, there's another popping sound, and the phantom Doc from a few seconds in the future becomes solid again, as the present Doc goes back in time to become the phantom Doc.
Doc: "Whew. I thought he'd never leave!"
Babu: "Must you, Doc? We're kind of in a real situation, here. This isn't exactly the best time to start having conversations with yourself via time travel."
Doc: "Sorry, guys. I guess I kinda got carried away, there. I just don't handle stress all that well sometimes. Now where's that rusty handsaw the construction workers left behind? We've got to saw off MH's hand before the infection spreads. Listen to me: I'm a doctor."
Babu: "You've got a doctorate in Fine Arts, Doc. That doesn't make you a medical doctor."
Doc: "Beggars can't be choosers, Babu. Beggars can't be choosers."
MH: "Just saw off the damn hand, already."
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Post by Doc Quantum on Nov 13, 2013 13:32:05 GMT -6
Meanwhile, in a dark room somewhere else, a pudgy-looking guy wearing a flannel short-sleeved shirt and has balding sandy blond hair and wears glasses sits in front of a bunch of monitor screens looking bored. He sips from his coffee and nibbles on some pretzels, but it's clear he isn't going anywhere soon.
Suddenly, the phone rings.
Picking it up, the man answers. "Y'ello! ... Yes, sir, I'm watching right now... No, sir, there's been no change... They're still at the Mall of Justice, looking like they're trying to figure out what to do... Yes, sir, I'll let you know as soon as they make a move... Thank you, sir. Goodbye."
The man hangs up the phone and goes back to watching the screens.
The monitor screens show a variety of scenes from all over the city of Justice. Most of the screens show groups of disheveled-looking people who clearly shouldn't be alive but are nevertheless walking around in search of something to eat. One of the screens shows the colorful figures who make up some of the membership of the Monkey Alliance, arguing in their headquarters at the Mall of Justice. And a couple of other screens show that the main roads leading into and out of town are being guarded by the military, who isn't letting anyone in or out of the city. Some of the ones farther inside the city limits are wearing hazmat suits and taking readings of the atmosphere.
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Post by mh on Nov 13, 2013 22:45:06 GMT -6
mh says," beep! beep! beep! beep! -- that means back up! doc, yer very knowledgeable. yes, very much so. but if you're wrong i'll just be a one-armed zombie!"
doc quantum shrugs.
mh hands babu his 1916 bolo mauler and says,"if the worst happens, you know what you gotta do."
"no!" cries babu, almost tearing up, "hell no! that ain't the monkey alliance way."
later, mh is strapped to a recliner in the newly finished 'new jungle room', with the TV remote in his hand. he has a bottle of absolute vodka perched on his lap with a very long straw.
"look pal, "says babu, "your manhunter nano-bot based healing factor may beat this. if not, we'll feel stupid if we blow your great big pumpkin off, then we find out there's a cure. so just relax."
"yeah," says doc quantum, "you'd be a heartbreaking loss. you're as integral part of the monkey alliance as say, the klinger-bot 5000. Or that rug over there."
"i'm more important than a damn rug!" shrieks mh.
"okay, "calms babu. "I got someone to keep you company for a while. but just 5 minutes! I just want to make yer last moments on earth as comfortable as possible. then he tears up again & has to leave the room.
"slap me five," says doc quantum. mh though heavily manacled, manages a small slap.
seconds later, taffy comes in.
"taffy!" exclaims mh.
in her 'care bear' pajama bottoms, and her 'misfits of science' pajama top, taffy says, "babu says as part of the week-long monkey-house pajama party, you're playing recliner and we're 'sposed to take turns sitting on you!"
before mh can say anything, taffy runs over & jumps on him. "wheeee! this is fun!"
"this works." mh mutters. "later the angel of death will be taking me to hell, but first, taffy is taking me to heaven." |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 14, 2013 6:44:33 GMT -6
As Babu walks into the other room, suddenly there's a loud thump. Kenny and Buddy come up through the secret entrance. Both are wearing miner's helmets. "We's back!" Buddy says.
"Thank God," Babu says. "Our science guys are here!"
"They're your science guys?" Dakota exclaims.
Later, kenny comes in and says," We done examined the bite mark for salivaa traces. After we did, we discovered there aint nothin' there. There aint no zombie plague."
"No zombie plague?" Babu exclaims. "Then wherethe hell are allthese zombies coming from?..... Oh hell, MH."
Babu runs into the room with MH and Doc. "Stop! Stop!" there's no zombie plague!"
Doc is about halfway through MH's wrist. "Well, thank God I've got a damn healing factor!" MH says.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 14, 2013 6:48:56 GMT -6
In the dark room, the pudgy looking guy is watching the monitor that shows the feed from the secret camera he has planted in Monkey Alliance heaquarters. He sees Kenny say, "There ain't no zombie plague!" He nearly chokes on his pretzel.
He quickly reaches for his phone and dials. "Sir! We've got a problem!"
At the other end of the phone call, the figure sitting behind a large desk listens and then puts the phone back in its cradle. "Blast!" Gary Degaton says.
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Post by mh on Nov 16, 2013 16:22:17 GMT -6
"this whole thing makes no sense, "says babu. "justice is a small town, and i haven't seen one zombie that i recognize."
"you mean, "they're zombies from outta town?" asks kenny.
"no that's not it, "replies babu tersely. "since there's no plague, maybe they've mutated -- like solomon grundy! we need to capture one to examine it."
"that's the key!" exclaims doc von Q. "since they can't infect us, we should give it a try."
"you could get on the roof, "says mh," throw a net down with ropes, and wait for one of them ... hold on a minute."
mh goes over to one of the higher level windows and opens it. "hey! here I am! i'm okay, you didn't get me! ummmmm!" he sticks out his tongue at the zombies.
"ha ha, "he exclaims, "they are pissed! funny. now they're yelling, "mh come out, babu, come out, kenny come out .." they're doing everybody! how the heck do they even know kenny & buddy are here?"
"interesting, "ponders babu.
"anyway, "says mh, "i'm in too weakened a state to join you guys on the roof. i'll go to the 'new jungle room' and watch out for the interns. besides, after 'sisterhood of the traveling pants' is over, taffy and amber are talking about having a tickle fight. zombified or not, I wouldn't want to miss that."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 18, 2013 17:29:29 GMT -6
Babu, Doc, Kenny and Buddy sit on the roof, waiting patiently for one of the zombies to wonder into their trap. "C'mon... c'mon...." Babu mutters under his breath.
Finally, one of them steps onto the net. "We've got one! Hoist him up!" Babu exclaims. Everyone grabs a rope and pulls. The net draws up, ensnaring the zombie and they pull him, struggling, to the roof.
Later, they have the zombie strapped down to a table while Kenny and Buddy run tests. "I done gots somethin'!" Kenny suddenly cries out.
Babu, Doc, Kenny, and Buddy walk into the room where MH lay as interns toss grapes into his mouth. Somehow, he has found another smoking jacket and ascot.
"OK, MH," Babu says. "While you were in here laying here on your fat ass, we did some tests on the subject. Turns out, the Solomon Grundy comparison wasn't off. They're basically decaying plant matter... fungii."
"You mean we're under seige by giant man-eating mushrooms?" MH exclaims.
"Eeeek!" Amber cries. "I hate mushrooms!"
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Post by mh on Nov 18, 2013 20:17:01 GMT -6
"gosh amber," says skye, thinking amber is talking about the pizza. "quit being a drama queen, just pick them off!"
"just lock the door & keep them entertained, "babu whispers to dakota, "i think we might be close to fixing this thing. i'll update you on our progress."
looking relieved, dakota locks the door behind them.
as they leave mh, swallowing his grapes says, "you guys missed one hell of a tickle fight. and we got in a couple of rounds of 'twister'. those gurls are limber.
"i'll bet," mutters doc von quantum.
"hey, "says babu, "looking at the subject, "he looks different ... better. what's going on?"
"buddy shot him fulla miracle-grow plant food," says kenny.
"and we be doing some manipulation on his brain, adds buddy. "we gave him a couple of jolts to the pumpkin with this old car battery, and now his cognition is done greatly improved."
"huh?" asks Kenny.
"he's smarter!" exclaims buddy. "and yer calmer too, aint you mushy?"
"mushy?!" exclaims mh. "you named it? that was one of the ones that tried to eat me like a pulled-pork sandwich! you two half-assed luthor burbanks need to destroy this disgusting thing!"
"shnut up," says mushy.
"no, you shut up!" replied mh.
"my g-d," exclaims babu, "it can understand us!"
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