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Post by mh on Aug 5, 2017 6:57:32 GMT -6
luckily a military bunker with weapons grade kryptonite was nearby, and after some furious bazooka fire, superjimmy, super-jesse, and supreme are lying on the grass twitching.
"usa! usa! usa!" yells mh.
kenny and buddy walk up with a bizarre device & point it at the prone figures.
"what's that kenny?" asks babu.
"it's done a phantom zone projector," says kenny. "done say goodbye to yer pal super-jesse, yall."
"you guys are ther worst bitches," mutters supreme.
"you can't do that to my husband!" says roller-gurl.
"just temporarily," replies babu. "to let him & jesse cool off. do it kenny!"
"ghaaaa!" they all yell as they disappear into nothingness.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Aug 5, 2017 19:22:47 GMT -6
"Are you thure that was such a good idea?" Big Gay Al says, walking up to them.
"Why wouldn't it be?" Babu says.
"He'th an El," Big Gay Al says. "He's Thuperman's cousin and you sent him to a prison with hith biggest enemies. Oh his poor, poor Hiney....oooo....mmmm...oooo." He says in a way that's hard to tell if he's more horrified or aroused.
"It's the Phantom Zone," Babu says. "He'll be fine."
Meanwhile, in the Phantom Zone, Ursa is raking away at Super Jesse as she shrieks like a banshee but her hands are passing through him harmlessly.
"We've been through this every time Superman and Supergirl were zapped here by an enemy. You can't touch them," General Zod says.
"This little shit gave me a titty twister when he teamed up with his cousns against us!" she shrieks.
This causes Jesse to giggle and Nod, Super Jimmy and Supreme start to giggle, too.
Suddenly, Super Jimmy and Supreme, cut off from whatever source brought them to life, begin to fade away to nothing. "No-o-o-o-o-o-------" the wail as they fade away.
"Did they escape?" Zod exclaims. "How in Rao's name?!! We've got to figure out what they did!"
"I don't think you wanna go where they done gone," Super Jesse says.
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Post by mh on Aug 6, 2017 10:23:42 GMT -6
super-jesse acts like he's going in for a titty-twister, and ursa screams pathetically, and runs away.
"yeah, i tell and tell the woman, but she just doesn't get this place," says general zod, rolling his eyes, "silly cow."
"so super-jesse, how is old red & blue anyway? still fooling seven billion people with just a cheap pair of dollar store bifocals?"
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Post by mh on Aug 7, 2017 10:38:09 GMT -6
"i'd go mad in here without the connectivity sphere," says zod, motioning to a void.
"with it, we can connect to the earth's internet!"
"huh?" says jesse.
"i have a facebook profile! can you believe i'm dating a model?" zod enthuses. "when I escape here & subjugate the earth, i'll make her my queen!"
"we're all dating models," says ursa, hiding in some mist. "but I'm talking to channing tatum on the side!"
"dang, what lockyheads," sighs super-jesse.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Aug 8, 2017 0:10:38 GMT -6
Suddenly, Super Jesse zooms past them and into the sphere. "No!" Zod screams. "It's the only thing keeping us sane! If you destroy it!....."
Fortuneately, the screen just seems to absorb him and he suddenly finds himself halling into the dimension of the internet. "AAAAAGGGHHH!" he screams.
"He never did tell me how Superman was doing," Zod says. "Only that he wore big red boots and flew like a bear."
"You mean that old addage about the flying bears of Vathlos island?"
"Yes, he must have confused the hell out of the earthlings with that one," Zod says.
Super Jesse finally lands in an enormous, dimly lit room with a high ceiling. When he stands up, he sees a giant, malevolent looking being sitting in a gigantic throne.
"Welcome, Super Jesse, to the dark side of the internet. Or the darknet, as we call it for short."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Oct 18, 2017 9:02:09 GMT -6
"You put me back in the real world right now!" Super Jesse demands.
"I'm afraid I cannot do that, Super Jesse. Otherwise, you might lead your fellow super heroes here and that would be bad for business." He hits a button on the arm of his chair and a trap door opens under jesse. "Aaaagghhhh!" Jesse yells, caught off guard. He plummets rapidly until he lands on a foggy street. He can barely see his hand in front of his face.
"Where the almighty hell am I?" Super Jesse says.
"Babies!" he hears a voice. "Get yer healthy white babies!" He looks over and peers through the fog to see a shabby looking fat guy with a sign that says "Healthy white babies for sale."
"Yer selling babies?!!" Super Jesse exclaims, horrified.
"Yeah! You want one? I'll make you a good deal. You'd be surprised how much a healthy white baby will go for these days."
"I ain't even married!" Super Jesse says.
"Hey, maybe you want to be a single dad... or yer just looking for something special for Thanksgiving dinner... I ain't one to judge!" the fat guy says.
"You sick little fatass!" Super Jesse says, delivering a right cross that sends the guy flying.
"Say, that's quite a right cross!" someone says. "You could be in my line of work."
Jesse turns and sees a tough looking guy with a bent nose that looks like it's been broken several times. "Who the hell are you?"
"Zeke the hitman!" he says, holding out his hand. "Tell me ... how many times have you found yerself telling someone "I oughtta done hired somebody to killed you?"
"More'n you'd think," Super Jesse says.
"Well, now you can! I offer discrete, proffessional hits at reasonable rates." Zeke says. "Here, take my card and please consider me for all your hitman needs."
Super Jesse walks on as he calls out, "Hitman! Hitman for hire over here!"
"Dang! Where the hell am I?" Super Jesse says.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 12, 2018 22:37:25 GMT -6
Later, everyone is standing around Kenny and Buddy's lab as Kenny, Buddy, and Steve race from one console to another. In the center is what looks like a large well, but instead of water, it opens to the Phantom Zone. A few feet away, Super Jimmy and Roller Girl sit sullenly.
"How's it going in here?" Babu Baboon says, walking into the room with MH and Doc Quantum.
"We managed to use the cosmic scoop to retrieve Super Jimmy, but not Super Jesse. According to Jimmy, Jesse fell into some portal Zod had that leads into the internet!"
"The internet?" Babu exclaims, "How the hell...."
"I guess it's sort of like Tron," Steve says. "At least he's safe there. And no one loves the internet more than Jesse. Now he'll be able to see all his favorite message boards close up"
***********************************************************************************************************************
"'''at least we know he's safe there..." 53 Year Old male hears Steve say. "Ha! Did you hear that? Sending Ernie in there to plant bugs while pretending to help them was a stroke of genius.""
"Yes, I did," Supermanfan says from another monitor. "And yes it was. You're my bitch now SuperJesse! You and SuperJimmy aka Desk-boy destroyed my Superman movie fansite! It's your fault my quest for a good Superman movie failed and we were stuck with Superman Returns and then that godawful piece of shit, 'Man of Steel'. Now, I and the SuperJesse Revenge Squad will make you pay!"
"Too bad about SuperJimmy getting out, though, 53 year old male says.
"Well, if he can get out, he can always be shoved back in."
*************************************************************************************************************************
"So you rescued SuperJesse and found out what happened to SuperJimmy, but what about Supreme?" Babu asks.
"Weirdest thing," Steve says. "Once the Liefield was confronted with real Superman stuff, he turned into a Superman robot. He pointed to the inert android slumped against the wall.
So who's that?" MH says, pointing to a sleezy looking guy at one of the monitors looking at porn.
"Oo Gyah. He was done arrested on Krypton for public masturbation a few weeks before Krypton done exploded," Kenny says. "He shoulda done got let go a long time ago, so we done scooped him out."
"Aw jeex," Babu says. "Expose him to gold kryptonite or something. Don't just turn him loose. Having a sex offender who can fly and has x-ray vision will be worse than a damn pigeon on steroids soaring around the city!"
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Post by mh on Mar 20, 2018 21:09:12 GMT -6
using all the manhunter clone strength he can muster, mh manages to rip a partially uncovered parking meter out of the ground, and begins bashing gyah over the head with the concrete end.
"mh, what're you doing?" asks babu.
"i'm knocking him out!" says mh.
"no, I'm fine," says gyah with a grin. "i was just letting you do it. and watching yer tights, hoping you'd get an erection!"
"sh-t!" cries mh.
suddenly, beer can superman appears, and kenny & buddy have filled him so full of malt liquer, he has the power of 100 suns.
"he socks gyah on the jaw, grabs him, and tosses gyah into a quickly constructed kryptonite jail cell.
"shaking it off gyah yells, "that was hot! i like this planet!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on May 7, 2018 19:30:33 GMT -6
"Beer Can Superman! Just the guy I wanted to see!" Babu Baboon says.
"What can I do you fer?" Beer-Can Superman says.
"Our team mate is in trouble and you're our only hope!" Babu quickly explains the situation to him and Beer Can Superman gives a big whoop, ties a rope around his waist and dives into the well, shouting, "This is the moment I been trainin' for! Yeee-hah!"
"What the hell?" Doc says.
"Makes sense to me. none of the rest of us want to go in there and he's too drunk to be worried about it," MH says. "Plus, I think you can get black market booze on the dark web. He's bound to find it and that's just going to make him even stronger."
Babu suddenly slumps in his chair, resting his face in his palm. Doc and MH turn to him in surprise.
"What's wrong?" MH asks.
"This whole shameful mess. Are we really heroes or just thrill seekers? Why did we ever get into the catfishing scams?"
"For shits and giggles," MH says.
"Heroes don't need shits and giggles. When we're not beating up bad guys, we should be performing other good deeds," Babu says.
"Speak for yourself," Doc Quantum says. "I used the publicity from our exploits to form my own charity.
"Really?" Babu and MH exclaim.
"Yes!" Doc says. "I send care packages to the needy in Africa. It makes my day every time I see photos of their grateful faces.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Sept 17, 2018 20:04:03 GMT -6
After plunging in, Beer Can Superman lands in the Darknet with a loud thud. He minds himself surrounded by a thick fog and starts coughing. Not because the atmosphere has overwhelmed his super senses, but because of the smell. "Dang!" he coughs. "This place smells worse'n the back of my Uncle Earl's trailer after he's had his fishin' buddies over for one of his all night barbecue and beer parties!"
He moves along, shoving aside various scum trying to offer him various illegal goods and services. One online prostitute whispers in his ear.
"Really? You can do that? For how much?" He shakes his head. "Dang-it, I ain't got time for that. I'm on a mission! Jesse! Jesse! Where you at, boy?"
SuperJesse suddenly appears through the fog. "Hey, Beer Can Superman!"
"Jesse! Oh thank the Lord!"
"I just met a Nigerian prince!" SuperJesse says eagerly. "I'm gonna be rich!"
"Aw hell," Beer Can Superman says, taking SuperJesse by the arm. "We gotta get you out of here."
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