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Post by mh on Mar 16, 2014 22:21:43 GMT -6
the monkey alliance vs the amish league of assassins part 1
a frightening tale of world domination and international intrigue
starring the monkey alliance, the m.a. interns, and 'the insurance guy alliance'
 
PART 1
in the stately "mall of justice", on a rain swept nite, mh is keeping lone vigil. he has however set up chips & dip, and stocked the game room's mini fridge with dozens of the cheapest malt based beverage he was able to find, for his young friend 'the donger' from 'dr. quantum's bowlarama of horrors' would soon arrive for a re-match at "Super Nintendo Entertainment System PGA Tour 96". also pyongyang, local businessman and convenience store owner would be joining them.
in moments 'the donger' arrives. "raining cats and dogs out there!" he exclaims. "I'm gonna get in practice before pyongyang get here!"
as 'dong' cracks a St. Ides and starts laying into the controls, mh hears a rapping on the outside door. assuming it's 50-ish south korean hipster Pyongyang, mh opens the door, and sal, former insurance man who now goes by the amish name haimish rushes in.
 
"english! I mean mh -- you have to hide me! i'm in terrible danger!"
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Post by mh on Mar 16, 2014 22:55:44 GMT -6
mh gets sal calmed down and settled into a bedroom.
"those beers hit me hard, "says sal, "i haven't had nothin' stronger than goat's milk in months."
"well take it easy, "says mh, "we removed all yer 'hamish' garb, you're sal again! you're safe from the amish, they'd never know you. we'll sort this out tomorrow. here (clicking on the teevee), you'll enjoy this."
"amish girls gone wild, that's that i'm talking 'bout!" exclaims sal/hamish.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 17, 2014 17:28:59 GMT -6
"Oh yeah, churn that butter, you dirty little Amish girl," Sal says, cracking open another malt liquor.
"So, you haven't told me, Sal. Why do you feel you need protection from the Amish? I always thought they were pretty peaceful."
"There's a dark side to the Amish no one knows about," Sal says. "They have secrets. Secrets they would die for. Secrets they would be willing to kill for."
"Really? The Amish?" MH says, squinting.
"And I happen to have stumbled upon one of their secrets..." Sal says, shuddering. "The one secret the Amish defend most of all."
"You don't mean...."
"Yes," Sal says. "I have their top secret cheese making formula."
"My God, man. What have you done?" MH gasps.
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Post by mh on Mar 17, 2014 23:59:27 GMT -6
"fine! i'll be over in a little while," says babu baboon. "luckily the family is away and I'm kind of bored. i could do with some cheap beer & 'snes' golf."
"babu is on his way, "mh tells sal. "I'm freed up too. my wife is off to see her family with the kid. you wouldn't believe it. it's like 'deliverance' out there!"
mh starts dancing around and doing 'deliverance' banjo music with his mouth.
"okay, I get it!" says sal.
there's a crash of lightening and mh & sal see a bearded face in the window.
"ghaaaa!" screams sal.
after a minute there is a loud knock. sal trembles & pulls the covers up to his chin.
before mh could stop him, pyongyang, who arrived earlier had opened the door. the interns burst in, soaking wet.
"there was a guy outside! "yells dakota, "and skye beat him with a rake!"
"well, he came at us! and there was a rake right there!" exclaims skye. "babu called & told us to assemble. a monkey alliance intern is always on call!"
noticing the interns clothes are wet & partially see-thru, pyongyang mutters, "hoochy mama."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 18, 2014 19:01:53 GMT -6
"What happened to you, Saul?" says a man with an Abraham Lincoln beard from his horse drawn buggy.
"Those Englisher harlots beat me with a rake!" Saul says. "We should go back and teach them a lesson, Amos!"
"You got beaten up by women folk? Shameful," Amos says, shaking his head.
"They were like banshees!" Saul exclaims.
"perhaps next time, we can bring some of our own women folk to protect you," Amos says, shaking his head. "In the mean time, let us go get Zedekiah and the others. Haimish cannot be allowed to run free with what he knows."
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Post by mh on Mar 18, 2014 21:43:00 GMT -6
"listen sal, get some sleep." says mh, "we got you covered, we're doing a full monkey alliance lockdown."
"mh?" says sal as mh starts to leave.
"what is it sal, "he answers.
"what are the top signs yer amish teen is in trouble?"
"i dunno sal," mh answers with a sigh, "what are they?"
"he sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.
in his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
when you criticize him, he yells, "thou suck!"
his name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
he defiantly yells, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard
ain't listening."
was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of
cottage cheese."
he's wearing his big black hat backwards .... zzzzz!"
with that sal, exhausted from stress, falls asleep. "you poor bastard, "says mh.
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Post by mh on Mar 18, 2014 22:43:13 GMT -6
going out, mh sees that the interns have changed from their wet clothes into dry terry-cloth robes, and babu, not seeming to take the threat too seriously and wanting to enjoy his brief period of freedom, had changed into a smoking jacket and was drinking a 40, eating bugles, and playing 'snes golf' with dong & pyongyang.
"see!" yells the donger, "we should never taken fuzzy zoeller on foursome. practices too much gamesmanship! that's second putt he's made me blow!"
"how is he?" asks babu. "did he tell one of his unnecessarily graphic ex-wife sex stories? did i miss it?!"
"no, "says mh, "the poor little fella is fast asleep. and as a precaution i put him in the room with 2 king-sized beds. i want four of you girls to take the adjoining bed. and keep those robes cinched up tight! sal hasn't seen a woman without a bonnet in months. you don't want to give him a stroke! taffy, i need you out here with us! we need yer keen powers of observation."
"you can count on me!" says taffy, peering around crazily.
"thanks mh," whispers dakota. "nobody can stand to sleep with taffy. the moaning, the clinging, the nuzzling .."
"okay stop!" exclaims mh.
"taffy yer near the fridge, "says babu, "can you pass me another magnum? damn them boys is tasty!"
mh, realizing babu is in 'play date' mode, feels compelled to take charge of sal's safely. he slips outside, returning seconds later, and hands skye a rake.
"just in case," whispers mh, and skye smiles knowingly, giving the rake a quick forward thrust before the girls retire to sal's room.
"damn! she like ninja with that thing!" exclaims pyongyang.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 25, 2014 17:02:40 GMT -6
Saul and Amos step into a large barn. Inside are many Amish men practicing the secret arts of Amish martial arts.
Several men are sparring with pitchforks. Others are pulling hidden throwing stars from their beards and flinging them towards targets.
Several straw dummys have been set up and Amish are flinging homemade knives and hatchets at them with deadly accuracy. "Good aim, Zachariah!" Amos says to one of the younger Amish assassins. "You are improving."
Saul and Amos walk to an area where men are flinging bales of hay at other men who dodge them with acrobatic flips and somersaults. One young Amish assassin gets hit in the gut with a hay bale and falls to the floor.
"Keep your eyes peeled, Mordechai, or the enemy will catch you unaware!" an older man says.
"How goes it, Zedekia?" Amos calls out to the man.
"This new batch needs more discipline," Zedekia says, shaking his head.
"They may find it on the field of battle," Amos says. "Haimish has taken refuge with a group calling themselves the Monkey Alliance."
"It will take some doing," Zedekia says. "But we will be ready." He turns as another is taken down by a hay bale. "Focus, blast you!"
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Post by mh on Mar 27, 2014 21:17:00 GMT -6
"for our next wave of assault, "says saul, "you cannot let those she-devils detain you!"
"they was comely," says one strapping amish lad, "i wouldn't mind seeing them in some bonnets!"
"keep ye mind on yore bidness boy!" exclaims amos.
meanwhile back at HQ, babu, haven drunk a lot of beer, badly needed to go number one.
"i gotta go number one!" babu cries. "when's pyongyang gonna be done?"
"pyongyang is making extended family of licorice eels!" exclaims long duck dong. "you don't wanna go in there for an hour or two! maybe longer. it'll be like something died in there!"
"ahhhh!" cries babu in anguish, and he runs outside in the rain, drops his tights and begins to blast like a firehose. the attacking amish suddenly find themselves engulfed in waves of foul, foaming monkey-urine.
"ghhh! what dark sorcery is this?!" cries amos, "retreat! back to the barn!"
babu, fixing his tights, does not notice the fleeing almost invisibly dark-clad figures.
"whew, i had to go!" he exclaims. "ummm, i'm thirsty again. hope there's more magnum left." |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 8, 2014 19:52:55 GMT -6
The sopping wet troop of Amish assassins trudge into the barn, their shoes squeaking wetly as they walk. The other Amish assassins hold their noses as they pass.
"What in the blazes happened to you lot?" Zedekiah exclaims.
"They used some sort of urine cannon on us," Amos says.
"What sick sort of heathens would devise such a thing as a urine cannon?" Saul says, shaking his head.
"The same sort of sick heathens who would send a spy to steal a secret cheese making formula that has been held in the secret vaults of the Amish for generations. That's who," Zedekiah says.
"Who knows what further perversions they may throw at us," Zedekiah tells the wet and miserable bunch. "You must stay strong, lads, for the worst may yet be ahead of you. But we will be triumphant. Now change your clothes. Ye stink to hades."
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Post by mh on Apr 9, 2014 20:08:19 GMT -6
meanwhile, in sal's bedroom, a single amish scout peering thru the window is noticed by skye, who snatches up her rake and dives to open the window.
"yaaa!" he yells and starts to run, but is grabbed by mh who had stationed himself outside by the window & hauls him inside.
"weird, "says babu, as mh comes in from the rain with the scout & ties him to a chair.
"no more vodka shots," babu says to dong. "i think i'm seein' things."
the interns & sal burst from the bedroom & sals says, "jacob hochstetler!"
"it's you haimish!" exclaims jacob.
"where're the others!" asks mh menacingly.
"i will'nut talk english!" exclaims Jacob.
"oh yes he will, "says haimish, peeling the plastic off a cheap slice of American cheese from among the game-nite snacks.
"no! get that away from me!" yells jacob.
"here, have some!" says sal, and rubs it all over his face.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 10, 2014 9:01:31 GMT -6
"No! No!" Jacob screeches. "Keep that inferior Englisher cheese off of me!"
Sal backs off, ready to start again.
"I... I will nut talk," Jacob pants, his chest heeving.
"I was afraid of this," MH says. "Sal, you might want to leave the room." Sal looks at MH uneasily and leaves.
"Sure you don't want to talk?"MH says.
"You will get nuthing from me," Jacob says defiantly.
"Your funeral," MH says. He hits a button on a boombox and leaves the room.
"No! No! Noooooooooo!!!!!" Jacob screeches.
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Post by mh on Apr 13, 2014 19:43:46 GMT -6
"they're in yon old barn!" cries Jacob. "east o' hear!"
"that's not a real barn, "says babu, "that's an old shut down pottery barn! it's set to be demolished ... wait, i'll be rite back!"
baboon flies off drunkenly.
"oh, this'll be good!" says mh, switching on a closed circuit surveillance camera at the pottery barn, for all to see.
outside, babu knocks on the door. the amish, given up for the nite are all in their long johns, settling down for a good night's sleep.
"little pig, little pig, let me in!" yells babu.
"ummm, not by the hair on my chinny chin chin?" says amos. |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 14, 2014 13:11:14 GMT -6
"They've sicked a big monkey feller on us!" Amos exclaims, looking through the window. "He flew down here... from the sky!"
"What are we going to do?" Saul yelps.
"Hmm. He looks formidable," Zedekiah says, looking at Babu apraisingly. "There's only one thing we can do. We must release Yoder."
"Release Yoder?" Amos exclaims. "But he..."
"But nothing," Zedekiah says. "Extreme times call for extreme actions!" He turns to the Amish assassins behind him. "Turn Yoder loose!" An anxious murmuring passes among them, but they move to comply.
Babu stands outside the Pottery barn swaggering drunkenly. "Okay, guys. I'm waiting."
Suddenly, he hears the faint tinkling of chains coming undone. Then a huge shape bursts through the door. It's the hugest guy he's ever seen, let alone the hugest Amish guy.
"YODER SMASH!!!!" he cries, racing towards Babu.
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Post by mh on Apr 14, 2014 18:16:45 GMT -6
"oh jezus jiminy christmas!" yells mh, running out the door.
as the thing is pounding babu with lefts & rights, mh jumps on it's back.
"whad ya doing?!" yells babu, still drunk but managing to counter some of the massive blows.
"i'm choking it out!" mh yells back. "it's wheezing a little ... like it's got a head cold!"
it's reaches back for mh with a hand, but cannot reach, and babu begins punching it monkey style with his hands and feet.
"this corn-fed solomon grundy won't go down!" yells babu.
suddenly he notices the insurance guy alliance.
"hey pally, that's my drinkin' buddy." says dave in his dean martin voice, and sticks his lit cigarette into the thing's hand.
"aggrrrr!!" it screams. "fire bad!" and then sits on the ground blowing on his hand.
"the rest are gone." says mh.
"yeah," says skye, running up with a broken rake. "they got sal! i knocked out six of them but my rake broke. pyongyang, the donger, and jacob tried to fight them!"
"jacob?" asks babu.
the others, including Pyongyang, long duck dong and jacob rush up.
"i've been awakened to yer western ways!" says jacob. "NES golf & malt liquer are awesome! malt liquer makes well water taste like ... well water! and fuzzy zoeller swings his club like a demon! and i've asked that worldly ënglander seductress taffy to be my bride! i'll wager she has never even seen a bonnet!"
"what?" asks mh, crawling groggily out from under yoder. |
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