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Post by Doc Quantum on Dec 10, 2013 15:26:02 GMT -6
Sgt. Baboon here. Me and the Howling Monkeys have been in a lot of tight spots since this whole crazy war started, but none was tighter than the one we found ourself in while defending a little spot in the woods called No-Return Hill in the Argonne Forest. The Germans nearly had us surrounded, we'd been cut off from our supply line, and reinforcements weren't due until the morning. This was going to be...
ONE LONG NIGHT!
"Sarge, I gotta pee," says one of the soldiers dressed in green fatigues, squirming in the foxhole.
"You took a piss twenty minutes ago, ya crazy mook!" says Sgt. Baboon.
"But I couldn't go with all the Germans around -- they might've been watching me," says the soldier.
"Well, either hold it in or find an empty bottle and use it, soldier."
Yeah, bein' the sergeant in charge of these clowns was often akin to babysittin' a pack of howling monkeys -- hence the name. But it was my job to keep these sad sacks from collectin' bullets until the last one was fired. God, it seemed like this war would go on forever and ever.
"Doc, how's the patient?" Sgt. Baboon asks, moving over to the medic.
"Not good, Sarge," says the medic. "Gangrene is already starting to set in. I need to amputate, but I can't do so in these conditions, dammit!"
"Just hold down the fort, Doc. The brass assures me that Able Company is reinforcing us in the morning."
"That's what they said the last time!" Doc growls. "Dammit, Babu, I'm a doctor, not a time-keeper!"
"You're doin' fine, Doc," Sgt. Baboon says reassuringly.
The medic's only reply is a grunt as he returns to his patient.
PFC Manny Hunter is still conscious, but the pain from the open wound on his leg is nearly unbearable. "Well, Doc? What'd the Sarge say? Will I live?"
"The Sarge says to shut the hell up, Private," Doc grumbles. "That leg won't heal itself. Now tuck in. We've got a few hours to wait until dawn."
Sgt. Baboon, overhearing the medic, shakes his head at Doc's lack of any bedside manner.
I've forgotten most of these sad sacks' real names. There were too many losses to count. The brass calls 'em casualties of war. I call 'em damn dirty shames. Mostly we use nicknames here in the Howling Monkeys. Our sniper's real name is Driv, but everyone calls him Little Dead Shot. The bazooka-man, Harry, we call Ball-dozer. We call Jesse the Banana Split Soldier. Manny, the guy with the wounded leg, we call Wildman-hunter. Kenny and Buddy over there, we call Short Cannon Fodder and Long Cannon Fodder. There are a whole lotta other mooks that have come and gone over the years, but one thing's for sure -- we've gotta stop them Nazis from takin' over any more real estate in this nutty war.
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Post by Doc Quantum on Dec 10, 2013 17:35:22 GMT -6
(This is not a "What If?" or "Elseworlds" or "Imaginary Story," by the way.)
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Post by Doc Quantum on Dec 10, 2013 19:15:39 GMT -6
In a stone castle a few miles away, a few high-ranking German commanders were conferring with a special SS agent who had been sent in by Heinrich Himmler himself to combat the Allied advancements in Western Europe.
Gerhardt Von Degaton had been known as the Iron Claw for his ruthlessness in battle on the Eastern Front, where the majority of the fighting in this war had taken place. The Russians were battle-hardened warriors of the cold, but they had never met a man like the Iron Claw before. Most thought the name to be merely a myth, but in reality, Von Degaton's right hand had been replaced by a robotic iron hand looking much like a claw. Hauptmann Von Degaton himself had invented it, being Nazi Germany's top scientist, and it held several special properties that few knew about.
Right now, the Iron Claw's iron claw was resting on a huge wooden table, upon which was laid a large map of the Western Front.
"Nein! Nein! Nein!" cried the Iron Claw. "Your troops are all over ze place! You should be flanking and blitzing, and instead you're vithdrawing from our greatest strongholds!"
"But -- but Hauptmann Von Degaton!" cried one of the German army commanders. "Ve haf sustained too many losses already! The Americans -- they are hardy fighters, trained in ze voods like Davey Crockett, der king of der vild frontier! Ve must retreat to a stronger position that ve haf a chance of defending!"
The Iron Claw, enraged, threw over the heavy vooden -- I mean wooden -- table and stormed off.
"Vhere iss he going?" whispered one of the German army commanders to the other.
"Vhere do you think?" said the other. "He iss SS. They are crazy. He's heading for der front to fight der Americans personally!"
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Post by Doc Quantum on Dec 10, 2013 19:31:59 GMT -6
Back at No-Return Hill, the medic known as Doc is looking at Wildman-hunter's leg wound as PFC Hunter tries to rest amidst the sounds of gunshots in the distance.
Hmm... thinks Doc. That's very strange. The gangrene is reversing all on its own. Either I was mistaken in my diagnosis, or M.H., here, has a hell of an immune system! I really oughtta start laying off the hooch. That Djibouti lager is killing my memory. I can't even remember where I got my medical degree any longer!
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Post by mh on Dec 10, 2013 20:22:06 GMT -6
at no-return hill, the troops suddenly hear a familiar noise becoming louder & louder.
"panzer," says sgt. baboon. the surrounding foliage is too dense for even these man-made monsters to traverse, but one has managed to break thru.
as the panzer becomes visible in the darkness, sgt. baboon runs toward it. as he is spotted and bullets from the turret fly around him, sgt. baboon quickly rips a grenade from the d-ring on his chest, pulls the pin, and hurls it into the open turret.
there's a terrible explosion, blasting the shooter from the turret. and after a second sgt. baboon advances on the tank. cautiously looking inside, he mutters, "empty. one lone kraut. must have lost the rest of his crew. almost impossible to man this thing alone."
"good job," says driv approaching. and after a few seconds, "i don't know why, but this this thing sorta of creeps me out," he says in his thick appalachian accent. "there's something almost 'hainted' about it, as my grandma used to say. spooked! bogeyed! spectred! this thing gives me goose-flesh. i had some tank training. think we could use this here spooked 'big boy' against the jerries?"
before the sergeant can answer a figure appears beside them in the mist.
"raising his weapon sgt. baboon yells, "who are you?!"
"i am general stonewall jackson!" he exclaims. "you sgt. baboon are my distant blood kin, and i have taken possession of this here big metal killin' box!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 13, 2013 19:48:21 GMT -6
"Don't ask me how I knowit, but I know there's no way we could be kin," Sgt Baboon says. "We'll be more than happy to have you and your tank, though.
As babu climbs into the tank for a look around, Kenny says to Buddy, "Ever notice how the Sarge is pretty hairy?"
"That's hair?" Buddy says. "I done thought he was wearing a sweater under his fatigues."
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Post by Doc Quantum on Dec 17, 2013 9:44:48 GMT -6
Elsewhere:
"Hmm... it's all a bit slow. I like the bit with the haunted tank, but so far we haven't even seen any action with the Nazis."
"Well, sir, the simulation is in real-time. It takes a while for the German troops to make it over here, crawling through the thick forest as they are."
"Yes, but we must make this experience as exciting as possible. BRING IN THE DINOSAURS!"
"But -- but, sir! Those aren't meant for the European Theater of War! The code expressly requires them only to be used when troops land on Dinosaur Island in the Pacific!"
"Am I not making myself heard? Do I need to speak more loudly?"
"No, sir, I--"
"BRING IN THE DINOSAURS!!!"
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Post by Doc Quantum on Dec 17, 2013 10:03:24 GMT -6
Sgt. Baboon here. The Howling Monkeys have seen a lot of action in this here nutty war, but nothing could have prepared us for the sight we saw on this particular night.
"Sarge, Sarge, SARGE!"
"What is it, Private?" says Sgt. Baboon.
"I gotta go pee again!" says the soldier.
"Oh, fer the luvva Pete!" says the Sarge, throwing his hands up in the air. "Then go -- just go!"
"Thanks, Sarge!" says the soldier, and he jumped up out of his foxhole, then walked to the edge of the woods to relieve himself.
Suddenly, something huge swooped out of the air and grabbed the young private in its claws. A bloodcurdling scream followed, which sounded something like this: "AAAAGHIAHGHAIHWGHHGAAA-HAHAHAHAHAAAAA-ohno-AAAHHHHHH-GGKKK--*crunch*"
"Pterodactyl attack!" cried Driv, AKA Little Dead Shot, looking through his binoculars.
"Aw, hell, no," says Sgt. Baboon.
"War is hell, Sarge," says Harry, AKA Ball-dozer, patting him on the back consolingly. "War is hell."
"General!" shouted the Sarge. "Is there room enough in that tank for a bunch o' war-weary G.I.s?"
"Ah do declare there is, suh!" says the ghost of General Stonewall Jackson, hovering over the tank he's haunting. "Hop on in!"
"Doc, how's our patient?" asks the Sarge.
The medic shakes his head. "It's the darnedest thing, Babu. Private Hunter is completely healed! I don't know if it's because this boy eats Wheaties for breakfast, or what, but he's sure got one helluva immune system!"
Wildman-hunter gets up and starts doing a jig. "I feel strong enough to take on a whole squadron of Krauts!"
"But how do you feel about taking on that?!" cries Jesse, the Banana Split Soldier, pointing toward the distance.
The rest of the G.I.s felt the ground move before they saw anything approach. With each step, the approaching doom made its presence known. DOOM! DOOM! DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!
"What in the flyin' #%*^@%(*^@ is that thing?" cries Kenny, AKA Short Cannon Fodder.
"I don't know whut, but I'm sure as hell not gonna wait here ta find out!" cries Buddy, AKA Long Cannon Fodder.
"Everybody into the haunted tank!" cries Sgt. Baboon. "We came here to defend No-Return Hill, and by gum, we're gonna defend it, come hell or high water!"
And then the creature comes into view. It's a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and the cry it makes makes the blood run cold in every soldier for miles around.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 17, 2013 13:58:32 GMT -6
Jesse's eyes grow wide and then he suddenly flies out of the tank and takes to the air, streaking towards te Tyranosaurus Rex. He delivers a right cross to the giant beast.
Everyone in the tank stairs with shocked silence. The dinosaur begins to wobble on its feet and then falls to the ground
Elswhere:
"What the hell?"
"I don't know what happened sir!"
"They're supposed to be completely brainwashed! If they start remembering they all have powers, this simulation is ruined!"
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Post by Doc Quantum on Dec 17, 2013 17:42:06 GMT -6
St. Elsewhere:
"Dammit all! We've got to keep them too busy to realize this is a simulation. Hmmm... what to do... what to do..."
"Well, sir, we could... no, no... that's too crazy..."
"What? What?! If you have an idea, spit it out, man!"
"Well, we could throw in the Weird War matrix. After all, we've already introduced the War That Time Forgot matrix with the dinosaurs, so a few supernatural happenings won't be too far off the mark."
"Do it! Do it!"
"All right, sir... initiating the Weird War matrix!"
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Post by mh on Dec 17, 2013 18:06:10 GMT -6
as the company gets out & in awe begin to inspect the t-rex, a fog rises, and dead nazi soldiers, some, blasted apart, missing limbs or headless, rise & begin crawling or limping toward sgt. baboon & his troops.
"back into the tank!" yells sgt. baboon.
"but we're cut off! we're done for!!" cries little sharp shooter terrified, as he fires.
grabbing 4 machine guns, sgt. babu orders, "pick me up manny -- and run toward the enemy!"
"huh?" gasps manny.
"that's an order! on three! one ... two ...."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Dec 17, 2013 22:13:54 GMT -6
Elsewhere:
"Now the leader remembers he's a simian!"
"He didn't say that, sir..."
"He's using his freaking feet as hands! Do you need it spelled out for you? Up the weirness level!"
Meanwhile, back on the battlefield:
"Do you hear wolves?" MH says.
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Post by mh on Dec 28, 2013 21:48:04 GMT -6
"oh shoot! i accidently hit the 'helpful leprechaun' button. dammit!"
and back on the battlefield:
"assurin' you better hoist yer plump arses into that tank, "says the leprechaun.
"who are you?" asks sgt. baboon.
"i'm finian! i'll be yer helpful leprechaun during your journey. now the wolves are coming they are! into the tank with you! don't make me crack you over the head with this shalalie!" then he disappears, and reappears inside.
"get in here! move along now high-pockets!" he yells. "or i'll hit you on your head with this shalalie! i'll give ye a damn concussion i will!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 5, 2014 16:03:07 GMT -6
"There are freakin' werewolves out there!" Manny says.
"Who cares? We're in a tank," Sgt Baboon replies calmly.
Suddenly, they hear the rending of metal. "Uh, Finian?" Sgt baboon says, "Are you sure those are ordinary werewolves?"
"Blimey! I think I've soiled me breeches!" Finian says.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Jan 12, 2014 12:03:45 GMT -6
"Answer me this, Finian," Babu says. "Can werewolves swim?"
"No, I don't be thinking they can," Finian answers.
"Ghost of Stonewall Jackson...," Babu asks. "Is this tank water tight?"
"Yes, suh, I believe it is," the ghost answers. "Then hold on. We're going into the lake."
The tank turns and heads for the nearby lake. The startled werewolves leap off as it sinks beneath the waters.
"Well, that worked out nicely," Babu smiles.
"We done got ourselves a new problem!" Kenny exclaims. "Sharks!"
"Sharks?" Babu yells. "What the hell are sharks doing in a lake?"
"And not just any sharks! Sharks with frickin laser beams attatched to their heads!"
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