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Post by mh on Mar 18, 2014 21:31:26 GMT -6
bullets begin flying all around them & they take cover behind a concrete bunker.
"it's the ultimate weapon -- they were crazy to build it!" cries steve. "i warned them! all the flunkies warned them. i'd have walked out, but obama-care doesn't cover chad's muscle sculpting implants! welcome to nazi germany ... ha! that's funny! hasselhoff really did put you guys in nazi germany! i'm rambling -- and i'm hysterical! i'm rambling & i'm hysterical! oh what the hell - i'm gonna die anyway!" and he kisses baboon on the mouth.
"gosh i've always wanted to do that!" he cries. "oh no ... here it comes ..."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 21, 2014 19:59:04 GMT -6
Babu starts spitting and dry heaving as he drops the flunky. "What the hell?"
"Yikes! Don't drop me like that!" the tech flunky squeals, diving behind Babu. "Not when HE'S here!"
"WHo is that?" MH yells.
"It's the Hitlerbot 5000!!!" the flunky exclaims.
"Schweinhunds!" the Hitlerbot shouts in a loud, booming metallic voice. His guns suddenly burst to life, sending a torrent of bullets flying at them. Everyone except SuperJesse dives for cover.
Everyone returns fire. "Gott in Himmell" the robot curses, throwing up a force shield.
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Post by mh on Mar 25, 2014 21:46:38 GMT -6
"listen!" says flunky steve. "the hitler-bot 5000 is 99.9% indestructible! you guys have one chance to live! jump into this vietnam portal! he'd never follow you there. go, hurry! find kurtz! it's yer only hope! i'll never forget you!"
he kisses babu baboon on the mouth again.
"dammit, stop doing that!" screams babu. and he jumps into the portal last, right after doc quantum.
moments later they're on a boat in south Vietnam in 1973, and a jim morrison song is playing.
"i don't think these waters has ever been rimped (shrimped)," says super-jesse, looking out at the water. "jumbo rimp, fried rimp, rimp creole -- coconut rimp, cocktail rimp, butterfly rimp, pepper rimp, rimp soup, rimp stew, rimp salad, rimp and potatoes, rimp burger, rimp samich, boiled rimp, sutéd rimp, deep fried rimp, mexican rimp, rimp fried rimp ...." |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 31, 2014 18:00:20 GMT -6
April 12, 1973
It has been 12 days since we started on this mission to find the one called Kurtz. Intelligence believes him to be held by the Warlord, Dheg Ay Tahn.
The Danf Fu river is a dark and mysterious place, ....overgrown jungle lining the river bank on either side. I think the trip is starting to get to the crew. MH is wacked out on acid most of the time and Jesse can't stop talking about shrimp. Our sniper, Driv, is on edge and ready to shoot at anything that moves. Kenny and Buddy keep trying to hide when they're supposed to keep look-out. I can only pray the Howling Monkeys can keep it together till the end of the mission.
"See anything, Doc?"
"Nothing, Sarge," Doc says. "It's so dark out there, though, it's hard to tell."
Suddenly, a bullet strikes the cabin by Sgt Baboon's head. "It's Charlie! Kenny! Buddy! Get your asses out from under those blankets and take your positions! Driv, can you get a bead on them?"
"I think so, Sarge!" Driv says, pointing to where he thinks the gunfire is coming from.
"MH, it's time to bring out Big Momma," Sgt. Baboon says.
"You're going to trust that burn out with that?" Doc says.
"I have to," Sgt Baboon says. "He's our explosives guy."
MH hefts the rocket launcher up to his shoulder. "Ready, Sarge."
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Post by mh on Mar 31, 2014 19:26:55 GMT -6
mh rises up & fires 'big mama' into the jungle, and it's suddenly quiet. then there's a thud on the deck of the boat. it's an arm.
"direct hit!" cries drivaan.
"hoochy mama!" yells mh, and he picks up the arm.
"a Seiko 6105! yes! my dream timepiece! probably stolen from a G.I." says mh, unbuckling the watch & throwing the vietnamese arm overboard.
"why'd you make me come?!" exclaims steve to babu, nearly crying. "i wasn't even born when vietnam ended! and the jungle & the fatigues -- it's all so butch! chad would love this."
"the rimp's ready!" yells super-jesse.
"i love the smell of scary looking vietnamese shrimp in the morning!" exclaims babu.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 2, 2014 15:13:45 GMT -6
"You whine too much, private," Sgt Baboon says to Steve the flunky.
"Private? What are you.... Oh my God! I'm wearing fatigues, too!" Steve exclaims.
"Have some 'rimp. You gone feel better," Super Jesse. For some reason he is now speaking in a cajun accent.
""Private, I've about had enough of this 'I don't belong here' crap," Sgt Baboon says. He suddenly turns and says, "MH, stop staring into the sun!"
"It's so beautiful," MH says dreamily.
"Dammit, Doc, I thought you took his stash!"
"I did!" Doc exclaims. "He's got stuff hidden all over the place!"
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Post by mh on Apr 3, 2014 21:18:10 GMT -6
luckily, mh crawls over & starts eating some of the several dozen pounds of shrimp jesse has caught & prepared.
"unn," jesse, "he says with his mouth full, "be careful no one don't sneak up & cut yer head off."
"huh?!" exclaims jesse.
"now listen steve, "says babu, "what's our status?"
"well, "says steve, "remember the movie TRON, where they escaped the game grid & got out of TRON city? what's where we are. off the grid! it might've taken any shape, but it happened to be vietnam. the techs will be going crazy trying to find us. but they're flying blind. that last vietcong attack is about the best they can manage. all we can do now is follow the river and see where it comes out."
"you must be a big tron fan," says babu.
"i like the tight pants, "replies steve. "look, there a south-vietnamese patrol boat up ahead!" he exclaims. "it's better to let them search us. just stay prepared in case it's a trap."
"damn gooks, "says drivaan.
"gosh!" exclaims steve. "honestly, that's uncalled for! do you kiss your boyfriend with that mouth?"
"i don't have a boyfriend!" yells drivaan.
"i'm not surprised!" steve yells back.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 4, 2014 18:49:44 GMT -6
After the Vietnamese soldiers board the boat and they are quickly taken into custody. "What the hell, Steve? I thought you said they were South Vietnamese!"
"What do I know? I wasn't even born yet when the Vietnam war was going on!" Steve exclaims.
The soldiers jabber at each other in Vietnamese. They gestuer at the MA members with their rifles as they speak.
"What the hell are they saying, Driv?" Sgt Baboon asks.
"Well, they're not going to kill us," Drivtaan says. "They're taking us to their leader. Warlord Dheg Ay Than."
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Post by mh on Apr 6, 2014 20:21:11 GMT -6
the boat lands, and they are taken down to a cavern. as they enter they see a figure. he's on the floor eating a hamburger.
"professer hasselhoff!" yells steve. " incredible! OMG! he's been sucked into this reality! the computers have taken over!!"
"i am warlord dheg ay thanare donkeydick chow. are you the assassins?" slurs hasselhoff drunkenly, thru his burger.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 7, 2014 20:11:11 GMT -6
Confronted by the sight of Professor Hasselhoff, their minds begin to clear from the effects of the false environment. "I thought Dheg Ay Than would be another twisted copy of Gary Degaton," MH says.
"Apparently, when Proffesor Hasselhoff got sucked in, he took his place," Doc Quantum says.
"Whatever mind gas they've been using on us seems to be hitting him a lot harder than it did us," Babu baboon says.
"We've got to get out of here!" Steve squeaks. "The system is going to send something to deal with all of us!"
"What about Kurtz? You said we've got to find Kurtz!" babu says.
"Forget Kurtz! You've got Hasselhoff!" Steve blurts.
Suddenly, there's a loud crach and they all turn in shock at the figure looming through the huge hole in the wall. "It's found us!" Steve the flunky screeches. "The Hitlerbot 5000 has found us!
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Post by mh on Apr 13, 2014 20:02:09 GMT -6
"ahhh!! he's wearing the indestructible titanium suit!" exclaims steve.
"but he's very slow! an escape to the jungle is our only hope!"
hours later they're chopping thru the foliage.
"i feel like kurtz is the key to us getting out of this, "says babu.
"the horror. the horror ..." they hear a voice repeating, straight ahead.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 17, 2014 19:32:13 GMT -6
They dig through the foliage and find a balding man in a dirty lab coat hugging his knees and rocking back and forth. His face is covered in razor stubble and one of the lenses of his glasses is cracked.
"Kurtz!" Steve calls.
Kurtz looks up and lets out a gasp. He jumps up and starts to run.
"Kurtz!" Steve calls. "Kurtz, come back!"
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Post by mh on May 4, 2014 0:07:35 GMT -6
"don't look at me!" cries Kurtz, holding a big leaf on his head.
"the crimson mullet!" says babu.
"look what they've done to me!" cries the mullet. "my beautiful mullet. gone! i must have revenge!"
"but no killin' mullet, "says babu, "we've escaped our blood thirsty WW2 personas."
"drat." says the mullet.
"i should really have gotten stock options, "says steve.
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Post by Babu Baboon on May 10, 2014 19:34:08 GMT -6
Babu hefts up the now bald Crimson Mullet and Super Jesse throws Hasselhoff over his shoulder. "So he was in on this with Hasselhoff?"
"He helped bankroll it," Steve the flunky says. "The Crimson Mullet made a lot of great investments beore he froze himself in the 80s."
"I understand pulling him in like Hasselhoff, but why scalp him?" Doc says.
"He wanted them disabled. Hasselhoff's intellect is disabled and shaving the Crimson Mullet's mullet has turned him into a gibbering pile of goo," Steve says. With that, the Crimson Mullet breaks into sobs.
"Take it easy, CM," MH says. "We'll get through this. We're not going to let some stupid artificial intelligence stop us."
Suddenly, they find themselfs slammed with howling winds and stinging rain. Booming thunder fills the air.
"Oh great!" Steve says, holding an arm in front of himself to protect himself from the rain as he struggles to remain standing. "I think you just pissed him off!"
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Post by mh on May 10, 2014 20:30:49 GMT -6
quickly, using their fake military training that hasn't completely disappeared, they throw up a tent against the elements.
"it's cozy in here!" says steve, as the rain and wind tear at the canvas. "and we've got plenty of rations! this is kind of a nice vacation. when chad & i went to fire island last month it was nothing but chardonnay & watercress sandwiches! he thinks I'm getting tubby. in his words, get it off you, or get it off me!"
"my poor hair," mutters CM.
"you'll be fine, "says mh, "i can see some stubble already!"
"really?!" exclaims the mullet.
just then a bold, enigmatic, politically incorrect figure busts thru the tent flap.
it's me, general stonewall jackson!" he exclaims. "and i have brought yer leprechaun, one of yer laser sharks, and yer big metal killin' box with me!"
  
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