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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 6, 2014 17:41:58 GMT -6
"I'll give it a whirl," MH says, sitting down with his burrito.
"As you all know, at night, I like to do my nightly patrol of the city looking for crime..."
"I thought you did nightly patrols of the local titty bars once Mrs. MH done gone to sleep," Kenny said.
"Titty bars are hotbeds of criminal activity!" MH snaps. "Anyhoo, I was doing one of my nightly patrols, standing on a rooftop, when I saw a suspicious, shadowy figure darting about the roof of the building next door. Thinking it miht be a cat burglar, I took a running leap across the way to the next rooftop.
"As I landed, the figure spun around and I found myself confronted with my own mirror image. It was another Manhunter clone!
"Up to this point, I thought I was the only surviving Manhunter clone, so in my excitement, I threw open my arms and said, 'Brother!'
"The Manhunter looked at me with crazed eyes, let out a frightening scream, and charged at me, Katar raised to strike."
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Post by mh on Feb 6, 2014 19:02:51 GMT -6
"with my incredible manhunter agility, I was able to side-step & throw him, "says mh. "and when I get back on my feet, he's gone. well, my mind is reeling, and I remember I was suppose to meet mr. kwon at justice city's newest hotspot, 'the meet-market' so ..."
"wait back up, ... beep! beep! beep!" says babu, doing a truck backing up sound, "who is mr. kwon?"
"well baboon, answers mh, "it creeps everybody out every time you do that noise & we don't know what in hell it's suppose to mean! (everyone nods) but i've been moonlighting as an office temp, and mr. kwon is my boss. he imports/exports. he's an importer/exporter! we really hit it off, partially due to our shared love of japanese time pieces, and mr. kwon had been telling me about the illegal japanese rabbit traps he was shipping in to quell the mid-west rabbit epidemic, which could make him a richer, and me a partially rich man."
anyway, i had switched to my civilian clothes, and kwon and i we're enjoying a few campari and sodas.
"check out this baby," said mr. kwon, holding out his wrist.
"whooo!!!" i exclaim, much like maulder in that episode of the x-files where he saw the fake space alien, upon seeing the $10,000.00 grand seiko up close.
"the spring drive gmt," says mh, "mr. kwon, as always your taste is impeccable."
"screw rolex!" says mr. kwan as a waitress brings more drinks.
"from the lady, "says the waitress with a smirk, "pointing to a beautiful brunette in the corner.
"ha!" says mr. kwon. "grand seiko working already -- p-ssy magnet! but i gotta go," he adds, gulping his campari. "time for hot loving later! mrs. kwon has dinner party tonite. many powerful people be there. tony danza! anyway, we talk later."
after mr. kwon leaves, mh drains his glass and notices the brunette has taken a seat beside him.
"you look lonely," she says.
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Post by mh on Feb 6, 2014 19:27:40 GMT -6
although suddenly quite buzzed, mh deftly slips off his wedding ring & shoves it into his pocket.
"let's go for a ride," the brunette says.
they go out, mh growing more & more unsteady, with her holding his arm, and suddenly the brunette slams mh to the ground, and snarls into a radio, "i've got him!"
feeling a cuff circle his wrist, as a van screeches up mh manages to throw the girl off, and finding his feet, begins to run with the cuff swinging from one wrist. he luckily slips & falls, and by his head a tranquiller dart flattens the tire of a buick LASABRE. seeing the armed brunette running toward his position, mh pulls a hubcap from the LASABRE, jumps up and slings it frisbee style. it smacks the brunette in the head, and she slams to the asphalt.
"dammit!" she cries.
mh rolls out and begins to run again. he hears what is obviously a remote-control click, and a concussion grenade goes off. they planned too well he thinks, then lapses into unconsciousness.
he wakes up chained to a large wooden beam in a warehouse. dawn in breaking. the brunette is now a redhead & mh sees it's christine st. clair. with her is asano nitobe.
"sensei," rasps mh, and tries to bow.
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Post by mh on Feb 7, 2014 0:28:06 GMT -6
"good, you're awake," says christine, "you obviously know who we are."
she shoots him in the leg with a hypodermic. "this is truth syrum," says christine. "you must answer all my questions. have you had any connection with the council since the time of your cloning?"
" ... um .. no," says mh.
"have you had any contact with any person or person's involved with the council since you cloning?"
"yes." rasps mh.
"who?" exclaims christine st. clair.
"asano nitobe," replies mh. "he came to most of my birthdays, and to my bachelor party."
"what?" exclaims christine st. clair. "nitobe, you did what?!!"
"listen!" exclaims asano nitobe. "you remember whatever faction -- either remnants of the council or a government organization abducted me! before you showed up to rescue me and blow up the installation -- and mh disappeared. you gotta understand, i sort of bonded with the guy. he was such a cute baby!"
nitobe pulls out his wallet & shows her a picture.
"that's not a baby!" cries christine.
"mh, have you had any offspring?" asks christine.
mh holds his jaws rigidly, with all his strength, but then nitobe answers, looking at him levelly in the eyes, "no, he doesn't."
mh relaxes.
"then he is our only problem," says christine.
"we should give him a trial period," says nitobe, "give him a chance."
"no!" exclaims christine. "if a sub group of the council is out there, they'd do anything to get ahold of him. "paul kirk would kill him without mercy."
mh begins to laugh. "paul kirk? please! that guy would have no chance against me! you got lucky and knocked me out with that concussion grenade. i was unarmed! i flattened you drugged out of my ass, with nothing but a hubcap!"
then he laughs again.
"see!" exclaims asano nitobe, "see how vain & condescending he is? he's his own creation! completely different from the paul kirk we knew or any of the other manhunters we've killed! we have no right to kill him. and he has done good in the monkey alliance. he deserves a chance."
"dammit! okay," says Christine st. clair. "for you nitobe."
"he does appear to be the last ..." then she and nitobe are thrown across the warehouse by a terrible explosion.
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Post by mh on Feb 7, 2014 16:54:18 GMT -6
then the manhunter who previously attacked mh slices thru the chains with a samurai sword.
"you again!" exclaims mh. "why'd you attack me before?"
"i thought it was a gi! gi! gi! gi! gi! trap! i'm the last gi! gi! generation of manhunter clones -- the only one that gi! gi! survived! i chose the name 'dekirk paul-stein! gi! gi! clever, huh? oh, i sometimes need an adult diaper."
"i too have walked that path my friend, "says mh.
mh notices this manhunter exhibits a lot of facial tics, and says 'gi! gi!' a lot. like a cross between max headroom, and roscoe. p. coltrane.
"come with me gi! gi!, if you want to live," says dekirk.
"listen, "i'm okay, "says mh, "they're were gonna let ..." then seeing christine st. claire leveling a rocket launcher at them, mh shoves dekirk away and hits the ground rolling.
***************************
"and later, dazed from the explosion, i met mrs. mh at the damn sandra bullock movie. 'miss congeniality 4: fabulous in space'! i think that's what it was. she asked how my day was and i shrugged & went "umm". then i ate a boxes of milk-duds and slept like a baby! I assume dekirk was blown to smithereens."
"ouuuu! I got goose pimples!" exclaims dick the albino bowler, holding out his pale arm. "look! but no, that was not the end. try hard to remember, mh. let me help you. babu! that plate'll hold more cheese fries than that! yes, use the 64 ounce cup! now you're thinking. and he goes right for the micholob! a man after my own heart."
*************************
mh wakes up in a brightly lit chamber and is strapped to a gurney. dekirk paulstein, the manhunter is standing over him.
"what's going on dekirk?" cries mh.
"oh, you got tagged buddy! gi! gi! gi! gi! gi! but you pushed me to safety. gi! and i managed to kill christine st. clair & asano nitobe.
"omg," exclaims mh, "you killed them?"
"sure!" says dekirk, removing his faceplate & there's are wires & gears underneath.
"i'm an android!" he exclaims. "i didn't lie about the adult diaper, i leak coolant like crazy! gi! gi! but i did lie about almost everything else. look around you."
mh looks around and sees rows of manhunters in incubators.
"we've sped up the cloning process. the new council i mean. they've leached out 95% of your dna! now they're going to wipe your memory & let you go. sorry buddy, but the process will cause you to croak in a day or two. but your sacrifice will let the council's dreams become a reality! are you proud?"
"gaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!" screams mh.
**********************
"gaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!" screams mh back at the bowlarama.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 7, 2014 22:23:14 GMT -6
"What's the matter with MH?" Kenny exclaims.
"He looks a little green," Buddy says.
"Not everyone can handle our special salsa," the albino bowler says. "He is probably suffering from a severe case of indegestion."
"He looks catatonic," Drivtaan says, giving Babu a wary look.
"He'll be fine," Dick laughs. "Now who wants to go next?"
"I suppose I could go," Doc says.
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Post by mh on Feb 8, 2014 23:27:34 GMT -6
"for you see," he continues, "the story that babu began earlier -- it actually happened to me! jack was me & mary the lovely mrs. le quantum."
everyone gasps, except babu.
"hey, i needed a creepy story and it's the first one i thought of!" exclaims babu.
"anyway, like babu said, "continues doc, "lost ... rain ... mansion ... yadda yadda yadda ..."
my then fiancée was exhausted, so our host, 'horst kronos' after offering her a stiff drink which she gratefully accepted, showed us to a beautifully furnished guest room. she was immediately taken in by his kindness and courtly european manner. no one could've been more charming! he took me back downstairs where we could enjoy the fire and talk."
"i'm just as glad your lovely fiancée has retired for the evening, "said kronos as we enjoyed our drinks, "for tonite there is a meeting of the 'beetle society', and it is males only."
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Post by mh on Feb 8, 2014 23:48:50 GMT -6
"after about 20 minutes of the gentleman's genial company, there was a knock and a succession of older men entered, removing coats soaked from the pouring rain. from the cut of their clothing they were all prosperous men, all about kronos's age. we entered a meeting room with strange bug-like symbols on the walls. after reading several texts of some unknown language, kronos spoke to me, saying, "quantum. you are still a young man, but i sense that you have a craving for wealth, for monetary success."
"yes," answers quantum. "this isn't a pyramid scheme, right?"
the men chuckle. "no quantum," says kronos, opening a jar. inside are beetles.
"what is your answer, "asks quantum.
"yes," says quantum lowly, "i would ..."
then in a split second kronos shoves a beetle into quantum's ear, and it scurries inside.
"ghaaaaaaaaaa!!!" screams quantum. |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Feb 11, 2014 11:50:39 GMT -6
Suddenly, the vastness of time and space is laid out before Doc Quantum. It is more than his mind can handle, so he snaps back to reality and falls to his hands and knees, his head hanging. "Too much," Doc gasps, sweat dripping from his forehead. "Too much.... too much..."
"The omniscience the beetle provides is often too much for the user the first time around," Kronos says. "But if we did not believe you would be able to handle it's power, we would not have engineered the circumstances that brought you here."
"Wh-what?" Doc exclaims breathlessly.
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Post by mh on Feb 18, 2014 10:55:26 GMT -6
"engineered may be too strong a term, "says chromos with a reassuring smile, his tone becoming milder. "you see, english is not my first language, and i may sometimes choose words for sound rather than meaning."
"but the beetle," exclaims doc.
"ahhh! don't be a girly!" exclaims the man introduced earlier as uppington cronometrare, in a pronounced english accent. he appears significantly older and crankier than the others.
"calm down uppy," says chronos. here ..."
with suprising strength, chronos takes doc by the neck, and holds an open hand under his ear. after what was less than five seconds, but for doc seemed an eternity, a beetle rolled out & dropped into chronos palm.
"ah, here's the little trouble-maker, "says chronos soothingly, dropping it back into the jar. "this was really nothing but a ritual. old men live by ceremony & ritual. and if there is no other business, i think we should adjourn. and now you are a member of 'the beetle society'!"
"but for a moment, i felt ..." begins doc.
"it's just the heat of the fire, my boy!" exclaims kronos. "and the storm, and your being in strange surroundings. and having a beetle introduced into your middle-ear cavity might affect your equilibrium, yes?"
"yes," says doc that must be it.
"oh, man up, you big girl's blouse!" exclaims cronometrare. |
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Post by mh on Feb 18, 2014 11:21:17 GMT -6
"ah, but one thing," chronos says to doc as the old men begin donning their scarves & coats, "it is very important that you do not knowing harm a beetle. it is truly, our only tenet."
doc: "but what about all the other insects ..."
cronos: "that's fine. kill all you want!"
"but what if i'm driving, and a beetle ..."
"knowingly!" says chronos with a smile. "an accident, that does not count ..."
"'horst," a man introduced to doc as tiempos says to chronos, "uppy is really starting to lose it. he's purchased a snow-board, fired his staff, and hired retired members of 'the swedish bikini team to take their place!"
"hmm, that's troubling," says chronos.
as uppy is entering his car in the rain, a breathtaking 30-ish blonde in a chauffer's uniform driving, he begins stomping the ground yelling, "dirty cockroach!"
then gets into his car & is driven away. chronos & tiempos exchange a look, and tiempos runs out, coming back seconds later looking pale.
"was it .." asks chronos.
"si," replies tiempos.
"ohhhh dear, "says chronos. |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 6, 2014 20:30:20 GMT -6
"What's everyone worried about?" Doc says. It was just one bug."
chronos & tiempos exchange a pitying look at Doc. "You will soon see why," Chronos says.
His gaze moves towards Uppy's limo moving down the long driveway. Suddenly, swarms of beetles move out from the woods lining both sides of the driveway. The limo is quickly engulfed.
"We should help him!" Doc exclaims.
"It is too late, senor," Tiempos says. In the distance, a scream can be heard from inside the limo.
The beeetles part and move back to the woods. Nothing of Uppy's limo is left.
"So that's what will happen if I ever step on a beetle?" Doc asks.
"Yes," Chronos says.
"I'm failing to see the upside of membership here," Doc says.
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Post by mh on Mar 6, 2014 23:08:31 GMT -6
as tiempos prepares to leave, the swedish bikini team woman runs in screaming, her chauffer's uniform half eaten away.
"oh my poor dear!" exclaims chromos, "sit down, let me get you a brandy."
after getting her settled upstairs, chromos returns.
"poor girl, what an experience, "says chromos, looking at them slyly, stroking his beard, "you know, my housekeeper is getting on in years. perhaps heideline, or 'üli' as she likes to be called, could take her place. it's the least i could do for poor uppy."
"si, the very least," says tiempos, looking a bit jealous.
"wait!" tiempos exclaims. "i suppose I should go to uppy's estate and break the news to the other girls. it could be that i can find something for them in my hacienda!" he goes running out.
"what an old perv," says chronos, shaking his head.
after a second, there's a clanking at the door.
"it's a telegram for you!" chromos says to doc.
"but how would anyone know .." begins doc, then reading it. "my rich great uncle in justice city who i never heard of left me a condo! I can't believe it!"
"and now perhaps you see the upside of membership in the beetle society," says chronos. |
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 12, 2014 12:37:02 GMT -6
A very interesting tale," says the Albino Bowler. "But what actually happened is, once the beetle was in your ear, it began eating its way into your brain, leaving you a hopeless vegetable."
"Yeah?" says Doc Quantum. "If it happened that way, then how did I end up in Justice City fighting crime?"
"How indeed," smiles the Albino Bowler.
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Post by mh on Mar 12, 2014 22:09:37 GMT -6
"wait, we're jumpin' to conclusions, let's have a look," dick says.
that next morning, during breakfast served by chronos's ancient housekeeper, chromos exclaims, "poor 'üli'. the little thing is under sedation. well not little, she's a least six foot! but she's in a terrible state. she can stay here as long as she wishes! and perhaps later (speaking lowly), she may like a position on my staff."
the ancient housekeeper glares.
"mr. chromos, "says doc quantum's fiancé, "you are a perfect gentleman!"
"my dear, you are too kind," replies chromos.
everything seems so normal that morning, doc is almost willing to accept that 'uppy's' car was washed over by a mudslide during the rains as chronos explained. perhaps the beetle attack was a figment of doc's fertile imagination. he HAD drank quite a bit last nite.
"ah, your car was delivered early this morning while you both still slept! it was thoroughly checked out and the tank is full of gas. please accept it as my gift to you both."
"jezus, this guy's suave," doc says to his fiancé while chronos is checking on 'uppy's' ex chauffer. "maybe i'll be like that when i get his age."
"yeah, right," mutters doc's fiancé under her breath.
"huh?" exclaims doc.
as they are about to leave, as doc opens the driver's door, chronos grips his arm. "remember", he whipers ominously.
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