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Post by mh on Mar 12, 2014 22:34:24 GMT -6
years later the whole thing seemed just a dream. he did seem to get more lucky breaks than most people. he'd received 2 visits from the prize patrol this year alone.
had he purposely elected to spend his life in 'justice city' because of the monkey alliance, or because they boasted the lowest beetle population of any city in the United States? one morning just days ago he was shaving and the events of years before came back to him. sure, he had an exterminator spray the place inside & out for a quarter mile radius, but bugs are filthy things. nothing wrong in that. for a split second he notices movement near his feet, and forgets everything else.
"dirty cockroach!" he exclaims and crushes it with a slippered foor.
"wait that couldn't be ..." he mutters, and looking up he sees the face of horst chronos in his mirror.
"ohhhh, dear," says chonos. and several hundred beetle larva hatch in doc's brain & his head explodes all over the bathroom.
*******************************
"goodness me what a tale!" exclaims dick the albino bowler. "i'm at the edge of my seat! my heart is palpitating! buddy! get some of those sizzling fajitas while they are still sizzling! the salsa bar is at your left! try the mango -- be adventurous! and wash it down with some .... yes Michelob! buddy, you know me too well."
"doc! doc!" cries babu. "driv, he's completely out of it. just like mh! whadda think he saw?"
"we're getting near the end," says drivaan. "if dick isn't legit he'd better slip up soon, or we might be goners."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 21, 2014 19:09:47 GMT -6
Buddy sits down, carrying a Big Gulp size glass of Michelob and a plate of fajitas. Through a mouthfull of chicken, peppers, onions, and salsa, he says, "Gnigoggsterry!"
"I'm sorry, I don't follow," Dick says.
Buddy takes a swig of Michelob and swallows his food. "I gots a stery."
"Well, lets hear it, my good man!" Dick the Albino Bowler says, clapping Buddy on the shoulder. Babu and Drivtaan look at each other uneasily.
"Well, it was a dark an' stormy night... well, maybe not all that stormy. Just a little drizzly. Me an' Kenny had just finished tuning up the Monkey Mobile when we realized we had done run out of malt liquor.
"Kenny decided we should make a road trip, so we hopped in his van an' headed for the liquor store. Before we got there, we saw a new place we had never noticed before. It done had a beautiful flickering neon sign that said 'malt Liquor Manor'! How could we never have done noticed such a beautiful name like that?
"We just had to check it out, so Kenny done made a quick U-turn and we pulled into the parking lot. We done opened the door and the bell rang as we entered... There was some creepy scraggly old guybehind the counter. One of his eyes looked bigger 'n the other and bugged out. He done looked at us and said, 'Welcome, Kenny and Buddy! Welcome to Malt Liquor Manor!"
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Post by mh on Mar 21, 2014 22:11:16 GMT -6
"how do you done know our names, "asks kenny.
"ah, the two of you are legends in the 'justice city' malt liquer community!" the clerk exclaims.
at that moment, pyongyang walks out wearing a turkish towel like he's just got out of the steamroom.
"eye-gor! must get fake hedges back in place!" he exclaims. "malt liquer manor suddenly visible to public! oh crap, kenny & buddy."
"pyongyang!" exclaims buddy. "how come you didn't invite us here! I thought we was pals."
"not my call buderick, "says pyongyang. "very exclusive club! very secretive. found bidness card under my pillow! but if you are allowed to stay, I have reserved malt liquer executive suite! having party -- will be doing it large!"
"ain't no malt liquer party liek a pyongyang malt liquer party!" exclaims drivaan, who comes in wearing a 1970's col. steve austin jogging suit.
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Post by mh on Mar 21, 2014 22:14:23 GMT -6
"because a pyongyang malt liquer party is absolutely mandatory!" exclaims shephen hawking in his robot voice, rolling in wearing a malt liquer hat.
"that guy can sure put it away," whispers eye-gor. "i'm changing 24 ouncers in that hat like light bulbs! if bulbs burned out every 3 minutes."
*********************
"gasp!" says drivaan. "they've incorporated me into the story! and now suddenly, i remember it! this cannot be good."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Mar 22, 2014 8:15:51 GMT -6
"If you want to be member, you must speak to Colonel," pyongyang says.
"The Colonel?" Kenny asks.
"Colonel Augustus Brewhauser," Eye-gor says. "He's an authority on all things Malt Liquor and runs this fair establishment."
pyongyang, Drivtaan, and Stephen Hawkings escort Kenny and Buddy through a set of curtains, down a hallway, and to a room where an old man dressed like Colonel Sanders is sitting, resting his hands on the knob of a cane.
"Welcome!" he says jovially. "Welcome to Malt Liquor Manor!"
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Post by mh on Apr 16, 2014 21:15:29 GMT -6
"well like I said," said Kenny, "it was done a dark a stermy night! well it was done rainin' a little. or maybe looked like it might. anyway, they done put us in the tastin' room, and there was two fellas in there already.
one said, "so yer Kenny & buddy eyh? we'll you'll never out drink us!"
and they done started drinkin' away ..."
"and so did we. damn, it was done some contest! it was liek them fellas had livers liek catcher's mitts."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 22, 2014 11:07:57 GMT -6
"'I'm not feeling so good, eh,' one of them groans," says Kenny.
"Me, too, eh,' the other done says. 'I'm feeling a little woozy.'
"Suddenly, they both done falls over. Then Colonel Brewhauser comes in and says, 'Looks like we've got two new champions!'"
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Post by mh on Apr 24, 2014 22:32:44 GMT -6
"we'd never done been so happy," says buddy, biting into his chicken fajita. "the party went on all nite! that stephen hawking guy let me done ride in his chair!"
"did you all know he can done walk & talk?" says kenny as he eats some corn chips. "he's just lazy! jesse's cousin joe hallen could learn a few things from that guy."
"ah, what a saucy, action packed yarn!" says the albino bowler exuberantly, draining another michelob. "a tale fit for a rajah! however, you left something out."
*********
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Post by mh on Apr 24, 2014 22:39:26 GMT -6
kenny & buddy wake up hours later, and they are strapped to chairs with helmets on their heads with wires & controls everywhere.
"what's going on?" asks kenny. "are we about to done get lap dances?"
"no," says the guy resembling coronel sanders, walking in. "yer not about to 'done get lap dances'! young fellas, this was all a sham, i'm afraid. we needed to get you away from the 'monkey alliance', and incapacitate you, so we could steal all your vast technological inventing abilities. and sell them to an unnamed foreign power!"
"well says buddy, "at least we done still got our incredible janitorial skills."
"no, we stole those too." says the coronel.
"well we still got ..." begins kenny.
"no," exclaims the coronel. "we also took yer drinking prowess, and i took kenny's incredible 'big women charming' abilities for myself! i like my gals with a little junk in the trunk too!"
"nooooooooooo!" scream kenny & buddy at once.
**************
"nooooooooooo!" scream kenny & buddy back in the bowl-a-rama.
"this is all coming to a head," drivaan whispers to babu, "just listen to me & be prepared."
"poor kenny & buddy," says babu, looking that them, staring into space with their mouths open.
"they don't look any different to me," rasps mh.
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Post by Babu Baboon on Apr 25, 2014 9:18:19 GMT -6
"We'll have to do something soon while there are still some of us who have our wits," Drivtaan whispers.
"Well, I'm glad YOU have a plan," Babu whispers back.
"Me, too," MH rasps, struggling to recover.
Suddenly, the Albino Bowler interrupts. "So, Drivtaan? Do you have a saucy tale to regale us with?"
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Post by mh on May 1, 2014 1:24:57 GMT -6
"but of course," says drivann, drinking the last of his frozen margarita.
"a tale so warped, shocking and fearful, it boggles the imagination."
"bring it!" cries the albino bowler in excitement, opening a fresh micholob.
"i had been working on the new "monkeyhouse east", in a once prosperous strip mall, now considered an eyesore in fashionable, bourgeois artsy-fartsy east justice.
"huh?" says buddy, somewhat awakening from his stupor. "another monkeyhouse?"
"yes," continues drivaan. "babu, flush with cash from all our endorsements, decided it was time to branch out. so with my youthful ward 'falafel lad' ..."
"wait!" cries doc quantum, becoming slightly more animated, "that jerk can't be yer youthful ward."
"just let me tell it!" continues drivaan. "and working late nights with the dedicated and surprisingly flexible (leaning close to mh) taffy ..."
"taffy!?" exclaims mh. "dammit! no wonder she doesn't pick up when i try to call from the bathroom after my wife's asleep at one in the morning!
(and looking confused) *cough* wait, where am i?"
"hey!" cries drivaan, "cut it out. i didn't disturb you guys!"
"and so in preparation, we got an injunction to get hefty's shut down ..."
"hefty's?!" exclaims kenny. "but all them big women will done be outa work! and the next closest big girl club is done 70 miles away!"
"hah! outrageous!" exclaims the albino bowler.
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Post by Babu Baboon on May 1, 2014 19:54:29 GMT -6
"And then..." Drivtaan continues, "Babu calls up Mayor Bruce Campbell and gets a law passed so all Canadians have their work visas revoked."
"What the hell?!!" Doc says, waking up completely. "My wife and I ....!"
"And then..." Drivtaan says, cutting him off, "Babu and Mayor Bruce Campbell work with the president and congress to get prohibition reinstated so malt liquor is made illegal through out the land."
"Nooooooo!!!" Kenny and Buddy wail.
"Now wait just a cottin' pickin' minute. Something's going on here," the albino bowler says.
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Post by mh on May 1, 2014 21:06:02 GMT -6
suddenly dick hits a button, and a huge portal opens, and the monkey alliance find themselves on a huge conveyer belt. flames lick out from the portal, and there is a sign above it saying, "ENTRANCE TO HELL".
"i'm sorry," exclaims dick, "but as 'doctor terror' might say, 'i'm done death i'll tell you!"
"oh crap, "says mh.
"sometimes you just have to accept it's over," says skeleton dick the albino bowler, pouring michalob into his skull.
"just like dexy of dexy's midnight runners. or wham, for example."
"wait, those were both 80's groups," says babu. "why would death reference 80's groups? and since we're not all dazed anymore, why would we just ride this conveyer belt into hades?"
"now yer catching on!" exclaims drivaan. "and why isn't hairbutt or super-jesse here? maybe because hairbutt is 99% shock proof -- nothing shakes that guy up! and super-jesse is completely invulnerable to flame."
"and now, "says dick, "it's time for the final strike."
grabbing a ball & hurling it down the lane, dick turns away, not bothering to watch the inevitable strike.
after a crash, the monkey alliance members see the ten pin wobble & stand.
"a spare?" cries doc quantum. "the albino bowler threw a spare?! impossible!"
"oops, "says dick. "damn malfunctioning pins."
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Post by Babu Baboon on May 15, 2014 14:45:18 GMT -6
Suddenly, Babu throws a beer bottle and it hits Death in the middle of the forehead. The skull begins to crack with a shower of electric sparks and then lands on the ground. The two broken halves reveal wire and circuitry. THe MA find they aren't on a treadmill leading to flames but are still in their seats.
"It's the Crimson Mullet!" MH exclaims. "No wonder he was making 80s references!"
"That's how he done hyp-mo-tized us to think he were Dick the Albino bowler and then play all them mind games with us!" Kenny exclaims.
"You stole my bowling alley and had all your goons move everything here!" Doc growls. "You're going to pay for that!"
"You'll have to catch me first," the Crimson Mullet says, breaking into a run.
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Post by mh on May 20, 2014 18:35:32 GMT -6
"one last chance," gasps the mullet as he hits a big red button.
the monkey alliance find themselves on a cruise ship. it's the north american hero-palolosa. the biggest superhero event of the year. their first guest star, william shatner, fell thru, but they were able to secure jenna jameson.
"crap! what happened?!" exclaims drivaan.
"what a nightmare i had," says babu, laughing. "the crimson mullet had us in a fake bowling alley that was an old crematorium, trying to convince us we we're going to h-e- double hockey sticks!"
"no but wait ..." begins drivaan, when kenny interrupts him.
"baboon, you gotta done stop mh!" he exclaims, he's done went crazy."
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