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Post by mh on Nov 1, 2018 2:22:39 GMT -6
the monkey alliance and the halloween buttload of spooky steries part 1!!! aka, the monkehouse that dripped blood!!
a blood-curdling monkeyhouse tale of dread, intrigue, people sittin' on the toilet, and smoking jackets starring the monkey alliance and several politically incorrectly and uncomfortably portrayed racial stereotypes
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Post by mh on Nov 1, 2018 2:56:35 GMT -6
it's a blustery windswept day, but oddly the dreaded and hated oozing carbuncle on the foot of justice city known as the old monkey alliance headquarters, is lit, and is the scene of much activity.
"what a turnout ..." babu baboon says to doc quantum, kenny, buddy & mh, motioning to the throng of visitors milling around the interior of the vile but stately old eyesore. "i hope my wife made enough lemon squares!"
"buddy, stop eating so many!" cries babu.
"i can't help it," exclaims buddy, they're delicious!"
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Post by mh on Nov 1, 2018 3:33:05 GMT -6
"leave him alone!" exclaims do quantum, who's been hitting the rum punch a little hard. "you pay those two troglodytes like fiddy dollars a week! to split between them!"
"yeah, but all the malt liquor they drink runs into the thousands of dollars! "says mh, nursing a rum & coke.
"sir," interrupts babu's houseboy akiharu hino, known as charlie, working behind the bar, "perhaps it is time for someone to begin a tale. that is why they are here after all." he hands babu a gin rickey.
"thank you charlie," says babu. " btw, how is your novel coming along?"
"ladies vs butlers?" replies charlie. "it goes well."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 15, 2018 19:18:42 GMT -6
"I've got a good tale for everyone," Babu says. "You should like this one, Doc. It was your first case with us."
"Oh boy," Doc says, taking a big swig of rum punch.
"Cool!" Taffy says as she and the other interns scoot to the front of the crowd and sit cross-legged on the floor, looking like a bunch of girl scouts waiting for campfire tales.
"At this time, the Monkey Alliance was pretty hard up for funds..."
"We still done hard up for funds!" Kenny says. "Buddy n' me have to done hit the junk yard for spare parts!"
"Well, it was even worse, then," Babu says. "This was when we were just getting back on our feet after nearly getting wiped out. Because we were so hard up, we were forced to become heroes for hire. Our first client was newly elected mayor, Bruce Campbell. He won by a landslide on the promise that he could bring revenue to Justice City by using his celebrity connections to draw huge acts to the city that people would flock to see. He hired us ... well, us and Doc Quantum... to protect the first one."
"Cool!" Dakota says excitedly. "Who was it?"
"Eastern block rock star Zlad," Doc Quantum grumbles.
"Who?" the interns all say at once.
"Zlad," Babu says. "The hottest rock star in the East European nation of Molvania."
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 15, 2018 20:27:45 GMT -6
"Zlad was a big hit in the eastern block countries and now wanted to try his luck in America. The night we met him, his crew was arriving at the Justice City Civic Center arena to check things out....
2005
"So who is this guy?" Babu asks as they walk out onto the stage" Mayor Campbell says..
"Only the hottest thing to come out of Molvania since Fedovich and his amazing poodles!" Mayor Campbell said enthusiastically.
"Wow. Justice City is going to be swarming with paparazzi," MH mutters.
"What's that?" Mayor Campbell says.
"He said, so when do we get to meet the big man himself?" Babu says.
"Here he comes now," Mayor Campbell says, gesturing to Zlad who is entering from the other side of the stage. He is clearly stoned out of his gourd, holding himself up by leaning on a man in a red and white bodysuit with an atom symbol on his chest.
"Good to meet you," MH says. "Big fan."
"And with him is one of the biggest heroes to come out of Canada, Doc Quantum."
"Hey, I've heard of you!" Babu says. "You're the one who took down Mecha-moose!"
"Yeah, that was me," Doc Quantum grins proudly.
"Hokey smokes!" Zlad exclaims, raising his sunglasses. "What was ins that brownie you gives me? I am seeings the giant baboons."
"You're not seeing thins," Babu says. "I really am a six foot baboon."
"That wasn't a hash brownie," Doc Quantum says "I told you, it was an ordinary brownie from craft services."
"Why you gives me an ordinary brownie!" Zlad says, stalking away angrily. "I not here for snacks. I here to live big American rock star lifestyle!"
"Ha! Rock stars! This is going to be great!" Mayor Campbell says. "Don't worry, Zlad! I've got a guy!"
"Star might be too strong a word," MH mutters.
"What's that?" Mayor Campbell says.
"I said, 'Yeah, this is going to be great!'" MH says, grinning.
Zlad stops suddenly and says, "Hey, is my lucky day!" as he spots a five dollar bill. "In my village back home, you cans buy a car with one of these!"
"Holy S---!" Doc Quantum exclaims suddenly. He disappears with a pop to reappear by Zlad and grabs him. The two disappear and reappear by the group just as a stage light plummets and crashes where Zlad had been standing. Zlad lets loose with a stream of Moldavian profanities before fainting.
"Jesus Christ!" Mayor Campbell exclaims. "An accident like that would have ruined us!"
"It was no accident," Babu says, examining the wreckage. He holds up a note that reads, "Zlad will never perform." It was signed 'The Phantom of the Justice City Civic Center.'
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Post by mh on Nov 21, 2018 5:56:52 GMT -6
"what done a horrifying tale baboon is unfolding!" exclaims buddy, choking slightly on a lemon square, as babu takes a mid tale rum punch break.
"i remember fedovich and his amazing poodles!" says mh. "i had a terrible crush on his assistant stránka -- but the poodles hated me. especially lažlo. what a dick!"
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Post by mh on Nov 22, 2018 7:48:55 GMT -6
"it was all over the news in 2005 that zladko 'zlad' vladcik collapsed from exhaustion!"
says horuosh, of the insurance guy alliance.
"yes," he admits, "i was a fan."
"seriously," says mh. "something like a hundred hot molvanian gurls were keeping a vigil outside his hotel!"
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Post by Babu Baboon on Nov 25, 2018 17:37:04 GMT -6
"Exhaustion, my Aunt Fanny!" Doc Quantum says, staggering from all the rum punch. "Zlad was so scared of the Phantom of the Justice City Civic Center that when these two told him Costco sold Malt Liquor in bulk," he said, pointing to Kenny and Buddy, "he bribed them to help him haul several luggage carts full of the stuff to his private suite at the Justice City Marriott along with a whole herd of strippers from Kenny's favorite titty bar, Hefty's."
"It was done like some crazy beautiful dream," Kenny says wistfully.
"Theyy were holed up in there for days! Mayor Campbell was in a panic. We didn't think we'd ever get them out," Babu says.
"But who was the Phantom?" Taffy asks.
"Legend has it he was a former manager of the Civic Center auditorium," Babu says. "MH wasn't kidding about Lazlo of Fedovich's Amazing poodles being a bastard. One night, Lazlo decided to take a dump in the manager's office. The manager tried to go after him with a newspaper. The poor dumb bastard had no idea what he was getting into. Lazlo wasn't some foo foo western poodle. He was a vodka swilling, iron pumping, steroid enhanced Eastern European poodle. Poodles like Lazlo ate rottweilers for breakfast. The manager was messed up so bad he went into hiding, never to be seen again. Some say he still roams the hidden passages of the Justice City Civic Center, swearing revenge on any Molvanian act that dares try to perform there."
"Wow," the interns gasped.
"Zlad got wind of the legend after his near fatal accident and planned to go into hiding himself, nursing his wounds with the aid of cheap American malt liquor and morbidly obese strippers.
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Post by mh on Jan 3, 2019 0:11:44 GMT -6
mrs doc quantum is working on a sculpture for the festivities, and ...
and mrs. doc quantum runs out screaming.
"damn! doc's hardcore!!" cries hourish. |
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Post by mh on Jan 3, 2019 0:47:46 GMT -6
"i have a tale!" says mh.
"mh looks terrible!" says dakota, has he been taking his multi-vitamins?"
"anyhoo," says mh, "i was on a junket -- a monkey alliance press tour and flying over belgrade! i was stinkin' drunk! i had succumbed to fear of flying, as previously doc quantum, flying the monkey-mobile, accidently broke into a 3rd dimension with super-intelligent human sized rats who had taken over the earth! me and doc had to fight our way out ..."
"what?!" cries babu, why don't I know about this?!"
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Post by mh on Jan 3, 2019 0:57:03 GMT -6
"anyhoo," says mh, "i couldn't help but notice a winged monster was ripping a engine from the plane! although nobody else could seem to see it."
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Post by mh on Jan 3, 2019 1:04:13 GMT -6
"neah!! monner nillen ney plaine!!" ("hey! monster killing ther plane!") i yelled.
"everyone though i was nuts! a milfy stewardess, to calm me, kept bringing me more tequila shots!"
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Post by mh on Jan 3, 2019 1:15:13 GMT -6
"buddy, and part-time monkey alliance intern tawanda, who traveled with me, did their best to keep me calm."
"mh was wasted! he was white girl wasted!" says tawanda. |
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Post by mh on Jan 3, 2019 1:32:38 GMT -6
"finally i said screw it, and crashed thru the plane window," said mh.
mh screams drunkenly,"neh nasnards nunined nurk nailinnes nin the ninnne bnorties! nile nill nhew! nhew nun nuf a mitch!!" ("you b-stards ruined kirk airlines in the 1940's! i'll kill you! you son of a bitch!")
"i was drunk & pissed!" says mh. "you see, these things were a pestilence in the 1940's & 50's! they're the reason kirk airlines went belly up!"
"seriously?" says babu. "that was a thing? why don't i know about this?! and what does "white girl wasted" mean?"
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Post by mh on Jan 3, 2019 2:07:36 GMT -6
"i'd ripped loose my tray table, and was smacking it over the head with it," says mh. but it had little effect."
"the thing is, drunk and pissed is not always a match for a creature that can tear an airplane engine apart!"
i was getting the sh-t kicked out of me! -- once i called him a big fat gay baby!"
"wow," says babu, "mh, this is my happening, and you're freaking me out!"
"well, luckily i done noticed an old bottle of doctor pepper that had probably been wedged in the second class seats since about 1968." .... "says buddy."
"and i done shook it & shot him in the face! they must hate dr. pepper."
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